D.

The lights dim.
A soft stroke to the face.
A passionate kiss.
Oh, I can't wait.
I jump on the opportunity, a new kinda lust.
Fills me to the brim.
There are other feelings I won't write about here..but the feelings come to surface once more.
I realize that desire isn't confined to one person.
I finally understand "those" that are out there...
We're all just looking for the same thing, that one thing that we know will make us whole.
Everyone wants to be taken care of, loved, worshiped even...
And that's okay,
Cause at the end of the day we're only human.
We have a few basic needs.
So when I fill to the brim, I have no regret.
I think of all the time I've ever wasted playing it safe or being a good girl.
My cheeks flush.
I can't take it anymore.
I find my way to heaven..and never look down again...I found exactly what I need again.

A New One.

He made me laugh when a smile would never show on my face.
Giving me a hope for life that I still can't understand.
He jokes and plays and makes me feel better.
I don't understand why life is like this, why it's filled with different loves.
I don't think that I am supposed to go through life loving so many different loves, making so many different mistakes.
People walk in and out of your life like the seasons.
Well according to him, people come into your life like the seasons.
They come, they go.
They leave you sick, or riddled with hope.
For the first time I'm coming into my own, I'm getting things I've been wanting for so long.
But at the same time I'm losing a lot...
I can't say life is perfect, it's much better than before, but not perfect.
I have my heart locked away for safety, but my soul seeks fun and unsafe play.
I'll live a little.
I may hurt a little, but at least it's my choice.
At least I'm doing the things I desire.
They may all talk a pretty talk, and be on my team, but Lord only knows what they really are to me.
I know that my heart and my mind are one, so to truly recognize things, I need both.
Guess I'm not ready yet, so until then I will have my fun, experience it all...
And soak up the thought of people hating my life choices...
Why is my life your greatest story???
Look into the mirror, smoke up your trees, and paint your face to deceive, but leave me out of it.
I know life has much more in store for me.

the weirdness.

So here we are, just a little less of me.
I washed away my tears and looked into the distance...
I was no longer present in the mirrors on the walls..
I no longer had love in my heart..
The emptiness deep within is trying to be filled, with what they ask?
What could possibly make me whole once more.. I fought a hard battle which nearly tore me apart..
I was nothing, laying one with the earth..a whisper in my ear damming me for all eternity...
The wind picked up, a storm came and went...but there was a warm light that appeared.
That undying light showing me that I meant something to someone, that I was special, and that I was worthy of real love...I was set free to one day fly high with happiness, and although hitting rock bottom hurt, I mean it hurt like hell..i was free, free to make my own decisions and live my own life, however I felt like.

Guilt.

I see the mirror.
The way I am fully on display.
No one in sight to make it right, not even my reflection.
I feel the eyes, the judgment passing over me.
It's okay. It was never the first time and it won't be the end.
I want to scream and shout.
I'm in shackles, I'm all cuffed up.
Take me away from this misery, for I can't find my peace.
No hope or belief.
It's all or nothing for me...It's all or nothing baby.
Sweep away the lost souls, and brush off the wounds of defeat.
Taking over me, my body lies to earth and sleeps...my body lies to earth and it sleeps.

Am I beautiful?  Does this beauty I have stand a chance. I'm not sure. I don't know how to see what I am. Will it last til eternity?  I'm not so sure. I see these beautiful women that win the attention of many..but I attract the attention of few. Itb meant something to me...to gain like..it meant that some of the population loved me. It meant that someone other than those who were supposed to liked me. I need reassurance from a unfamiliar voice. Does that make sense? Not saying nothing bad towards you...just saying...I'm just wondering am I beautiful?

I don't know.

I have no problem deleting people from my heart, from my mind, or even my soul. I grew cold at some point. I couldn't face it anymore. Words do not speak up to feelings ya know. However lies aren't what reside here. Its better known as fear that grips my heart. Fear to fall apart. Fear to look in your eyes and see despise or even worse. You see the truth is, is that the truth hurts. The truth is, is that it all hurts. Life wants me to do all these things at all these different moments and I just can't. I can't save myself from here. Self demise. Seeing my lofe slipping by. Holding onto happiness and watching it slip away. Time after time this happens you see. I can't hold a flame to happiness you see. Count pn others for that please...and you'll get let down by my lack of feeling.

That Moment.

It was once upon a time when a girl fell in love with a boy. She thought he was goofy, yet respectful, weird, yet incredible. He stole her heart and loved her like no one else, stood by her side day and night...

I wait for that moment to see you again. I see a white horse, my chariot awaits. You'll whisk me away to a secluded place,  where we can be ourselves, to never worry about a thing. You lock me into your  gentle gaze with such depth that i melt. A longing feeling to be touched by you. I breath you in as you pull me in closer, wrapping me in love, forgiveness, and a great feeling of fondness. I love you and you love me too. That's it, period. The only thing needed to be known here.

The End.

Nobody cares until it's too late

Here is my heart. Take it until it is no more. Want to see my soul, have it and treat it with cold hands. My breath is yours too, straight out of my chest, it goes to heal your wounds. My love is given with no avail. I receive something that hurts more than sensative teeth smashing into ice. The chill runs up and down my spine. I feel dumbfounded. I don't know what to believe anymore. What she told me or how you make me feel...

I tell all lies.

Did you find out the truth?
Behind my lies you finally see what it is that's real..
No words to speak, no patience to give me.
Trapped in my own misery, alone.
I sit here waiting like the usual motherfucker you see waiting.
Tapping my foot, looking at my rose gold watch.
Waiting on you is all I seem to do.
Might as well go work in a waiting room..
I never keep you though.
Always there when you call, always on time..
Giving you my all..and what happens next?
Society has you like a sex partner.
The world is awarded your attention, more than I..
No need for me to cry anymore, when shit goes to shit it's shit amd it can't get shittier anymore...I don't even know if that's true or not.
Writing this thing is the only thing that can keep me calm..
Keep me from blowing up your phone 15 more times.
I get tired of feeling this way.
No one else makes me feel this way.
It's not until you,, the truth that I slip into this unhappy state. With all the bitching, lies, and crys, shit, who could handle this. No wonder no one even bothers to answer anymore...no wonder why these text messages and phone calls die and grow old. I keep trying to find better ways to deal with myself. I'm losing all balance, losing all motivation cause this world is fucking hell. Not where I wanna be in anything aspect, yeah I feel good, right? Bullshit. I can't stand the shit on the daily that I have to put up with. People annoying me, fighting, crying about how bad it is. But there are people that wish that things were just bad and not impossible. I can't convert to what society wants. I have to be real and always walk my walk. Sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...

Something.

I want him to stay the night.
Me in his arms, knowing he cares.
My heart knows who it belongs to.
It beats the inside of my chest when it feels him near.
Senses heighten, butterflies soar, my mind goes to thoughts of exotic beaches and and tropical drinks.
It's unearthly the things he makes me desire; the places I want to go.
I see the world and him.
No one else even matters.
I'm at peace when I lay so gently in his arms.
I want him to know that I will never stop my love for him.