lost and now...

I've been stupid these last few years.
I fell in love with a devil.
Lost pieces of me.
Belittled myself..i basically put myself in this little box for awhile.
And for what, to be loved and not forgotten ?
Yea, well now I am lost.
I've lost my friends.
Distant from family.
I don't take care of myself, because I don't care.
I eat everything, drink, curse, lie to myself, lash out, get involved with inappropriate people.
I'm fumbling with my demons this summer...
And there is this mirror that I am being forced to look into..
And what do I see?
Well when I reluctantly take a peek I see someone with holes in her heart..
Someone who has wanted to give up for awhile now, but can't find the nerve to completely throw in the towel.
I'm never gonna be the same little girl I was when I was learning about life, or the teenager I was when I started experiencing life.
To be honest I don't want to be..because I'm smarter for it now.
 Because even if I don't realize it I'm safe, better off, and stronger for everything.
Nothing in life lasts forever, not relationships, not feelings, not even a good phone battery.
But when I can find happiness in cooking or enjoying wine or reading a dirty book I'm gonna do it.
Because at the end of the day I have me, and I'm the only one who will hold me down.
It's nice to have guys around to make me feel desired, but are they worth the time?
Not likely.
The other night my perfect man came to me in a dream, everything I could ask for down to his choice in wine..
That's who I'm waiting for..
One day when my heart is filled up more and I'm on my path again, everything will happen as it should.
I know that there is some greater purpose for me, I just have to get ready.