Still trying to find the love.
Where does it all go?
I can't feel it.
Even when you're here I know you are in a million different places.
It pushed me away.
I guess I only like when I'm the main focus.
But still I love you.
And I love to support you.
I couldn't think of a better man to take care of and challenge.
Tell why my heart won't open.
Tell me where you are when I bring in negativity and spew out garbage.
Why am I still killing myself over the past and the future?
I found clarity of love in you.
It became more simple.
Thus making me more stable and balanced. I felt love and kinda knew what it was.
I'm on this journey of discovery.
It's you and me babe, against the world.
Anything we face now it's together, there's a bond I can't explain.
Why should I have to?
I live in this bubble with you and him.
We're a happy family, were a new kind of classic.
I see smiles and warmth and laughter.
I can't verbalize the feeling.
But somehow this house is a home even if it's little or small or big or expensive.
I found my partner to walk through this life with. I absolutely love you.
Yes my mouth is shut. I'll never tell our secrets. We all try the best we possibly can. But it feels like I'm drowning. I'm in this dark place where my heart is broken. I'm sorry you caught me at a bad time, can we just talk later. There are only a couple of things that calm me these days. I love you dearly. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I let you down. I look up just to look down. You don't even reach me like you used to, you don't even know me anymore. But how could you? Really, how could you? To say I love you is an understatement. I need you, but you aren't all I need. It can't just be you, because what about me. I sit sad and lonely after 8 o clock and I wonder how am I supposed to function for the rest of my life. What is happiness? What is content? To say I love you is an understatement because I need you. I don't even know why I'm unhappy anymore. It's a quiet murmuring now. It's not chaos and uproar. It's a silent death. Cause I feel my soul escaping me more and more each day.
I watch as you reach up high for all the things I could never see. Your eyes filled with some type of responsibility. You take care of me. I'm loved and cared for much more than I'm used to. Oh dear why are you here for me? Tired eyes cry fake tears. This frustration is hitting me. My soul turns a little brown and my smile fades each week. No one gets the place I see myself in these days. I take your hand as we rush across the street. I never felt my heart flutter like this. How can we be so young yet our love feels so old and timeless. I look around for the punch line, waiting for it to drop, but it never does. I guess love is a ton of layers no one ever speaks of. I wish they'd say everything I've thought of.
It's been awhile since I was in the dark place.
Maybe a few weeks tops.
So much has changed since then and tonight I feel lost.
I was feeling indestructible today, all because of him.
But of course he doesn't have time for me and our schedules are opposite.
So here I am feeling defeated.
Defeated because I don't think I'll ever find another job.
I can't even get my wrist healed.
Defeated because I have no skills.
I have no motivation to teach myself.
Defeated because when I feel alone it really sucks.
Defeated because my relationship has me pushing my only guy friend away.
Defeated because old men keep crossing my mind.
I'm feeling defeated because I want to have babies.
I just don't want to be old doing it.
Defeated because maybe I won't succeed.
I'm defeated because all my happiness and motivation is dependent on another person.
I guess my addictions know no end.
I'm defeated because he said he loved me, and because he never said it and because he doesn't say it enough.
I'm defeated because money is the struggle.
I'm defeated because I miss my father.
I miss my grandma and my mother.
I'm defeated because I tell myself no so much.
And say yes at all the wrong times.
I'm defeated because all I can do right now is tell you this as these tears roll from my eyes.
I am defeated.
I spend my time wondering if I'll ever be as rich as you.
If being so emotionally vulnerable will ever do a thing for me.
If you will love me even in hard times when I can't afford anything.
My motivation is down in the dumps these days.
But the sun keeps rising and it keeps on shining too.
I come from a land of struggle where we've all been touched by hard times and no one ever really makes it.
I don't know success.
I just know about how people get complacent.
In a world where we knew nothing and we still don't know a thing.
In my head I feel so happy, but deep in my heart I feel the failure.
I wish to know success one day.
I hope to grow into a better woman fit for something important.
I held my hand out.
Waiting for you to love me.
And you found your way into my heart and soul.
Your smile forever etched into my memory.
I feel a warmth I don't ever want to stray from.
I'm fighting my way from a darkness I've lived in too long. Oh I can taste the cherry cola on your lips.
Love has never shown so many sides.
Things keep growing and pushing, pulling.
All this time.
It flies by.
And I want to slow things down.
I want to live in this love forever.
Just because I cried a little doesn't mean I'm broken.
Still the same girl you knew before then.
I get high off dreams of loving you until the end of time.
I can't believe I ever promised my heart to another guy.
The answer to my questions and all my dreams.
Maybe this is what the rest of forever really looks like for me.
Keep it all inside.
Let it all go.
I feel every ounce of hope leave my body.
I'm truly devastated.
I can't fight this feeling.
Years of hardwork never seemed so pointless.
I'm lost, there's no great journey here.
I just want to leave this earth with some dignity left.
Why is it only getting harder these days?
Washing away some stress and burdens.
My days never looked brighter.
As time piles up I'm truly learning about love and life.
Not everything that glitters is gold, but it sure is awfully pretty.
I have a kind feeling and respect for you even in my dreams.
It can be so dark out there.
But the sun is going to rise she says.
The day will begin again.
Something powerful brought us together.
The odds were in our favor.
That's just how it played out.
I couldn't say that all my past loves ended because it was always supposed to be you.
I traveled down a certain road and became the woman I am today.
However messed up I convinced myself I was I was changing.
I love the drama.
Life can be so difficult to stomach and so simply beautiful all in one day.
I love maneuvering these choppy waters.
Our love gives me strength and the ability to see deep, deep inside.
I'm so totally aware I'm finally soaking up positivity.
I have to forgive my yesterday's, cherish today in order to welcome the best tomorrow's.
Maybe love is for the good.
Maybe my soul is too broken to go on.
My peak may have been at 18.
I never knew what I had.
I think of my past from time to time.
Wonder if I'll ever feel calm again.
I want to say that I love you.
I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Hopeless romantic but love never dies.
Just hoping time will be on my side and you'll realize something.
I am the truth.
I may be hard to see, but I'm pure energy.
Love keeps me on.
I want to give you everything and that's what I've decided.
I love you.
I need you.
You should be delighted.
My heart beats for you, can't you see that now?
My love is my everything.
May be my greatest possession.
I'm all about loyalty and devotion.
You keep me safe and I'll always be by your side.
All those times I cried.
Fighting over nothing.
All the times I pleaded that you'd love me on my own wavelength.
Sometimes I feel crazy.
I can't let go.
I see everything I've witness and lived pass before my eyes like it's all happening again.
God I love you.
No one ever warned me that you'd be just as loyal.
I hope that one day you come into your own.
If only you knew how to love me.
When disaster hits true colors from within come forth.
I heard your heart break.
And I never will doubt you again.
The fear brought us closer, the stress didn't tear us apart.
No matter the results we stand united.
I saw your heart for the first time.
I held you close and calmed your soul down.
The world stopped turning.
Things weren't about me anymore.
Because you finally needed me.
I love you.
And I always will.
Looking to disappear.
I may do something crazy when you're not here.
Why must I pay for friendship?
I watch cats that aren't mine ignore me.
Hoping one day I can love another like I did him.
This summer was one for futile attempts at reconnections.
Too bad for you I'm basically married to a bachelor.
I also deactivated my Facebook.
Guess the more I'm alone the more I just wanna be forgotten.
But I hope you'll remember me.
Never felt this strongly about another.
I have mad respect and I can't even fake it.
I want to fly away.
To soar as high as I can.
Just get far, far away and not look back. Are you okay with that?
I'll take your hand.
I promise to be yours as long as you'll have me.
Why do I want you so badly?
Guess it's most important that I belong to someone.
Maybe all the abandonment has taken it's toll.
I feel so desperate for promises and love and security.
Why am I always waiting and wanting more?
They never warned us.
How we'd cry til we couldn't see.
How the pain from the past would blind us.
Fear creeping up along your spine like a spider.
You cannot run my dear, you cannot hide.
It is time for you.
Testing me, just always testing me left and right.
I can do this.
I want more than the "promise" of love.
I'm in it for passion.
Forever and then some.
I'll take all those broken little smiles and trade them for a look from your direction.
It's gravitating.
You are.
I feel the weight of your body discover me for the first time.
Just two pieces of a puzzle.
I taste you and it leaves me wanting more than before.
So close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
And remember that love is the thing keeps you here.
I could write about my pains of 5 years ago as though it were today.
Maybe love will always be tainted for me.
I hope he's patient with who I am.
And not counting on who I'm trying to be.
He doesn't want for anything.
He's a content person.
Maybe I shouldn't complain.
Not all relationships have to be complicated.
If I could control myself that'd be a tale for the books.
I love the idea of a happily ever after where I'm actually happy.
Looking to you as my everything.
I don't need anyone else when you're around.
I thought that was what we were doing.
I search for answers, but you're not giving.
Truly this can't be it.
I've held you close to my heart for months now.
You live there.
Making an impact on my very soul.
I want to thank you for making me feel whole again.
But as time passes by I look to you for all the love in the world and come up surprised.
There's still pieces of you that you're not willing to share.
I keep my head down, but my heart is falling apart.
I look to realize my feet aren't on the ground.
Please help me.
We walked this road together and one day I looked and you weren't with me.
My love, my dear please don't betray my heart.
I aim for emotional peaks and highs.
It's all I need from you.
Just stroke my hair and hold me close to you.
If you're afraid to lose me then don't.
I told once and twice I want you.
But don't insult my love with a weaker version.
Match me stride for stride and embrace growth.
We've been through highs and lows.
These valleys are becoming home.
I want to let everything go.
Maybe just accept the care and good sex for now.
But it's just enough until I feel another blow.
My heart is raw and my mind doesn't know where to go.
I'm starting to feel like I'm not yours anymore.
Static electric.
The city lights glow and you feel at home.
How ironic since it's the last place you'd want to go.
You say you're here and I feel alone.
Guess all my baggage is keeping us from reaching each other.
This tainted love is trying to grow but I can barely muster the energy these days.
I watch the earth move around me and I'm terrified.
I don't wanna get left behind.
Take my heart but please don't hurt my pride.
Watch me spiral but you can't catch me.
I can't walk away because I love you.
But this slight unhappiness is growing you see.
Just wanted you near me with love in your eyes and that sweet smile.
Give it a chance.
Let the time you need go by.
Maybe the more we're apart the more we'll grow.
Maybe everything I need will never cross your mind though.
