Here it is.

In the sadness I can't see clear.
Trying to find my happiness with very little to show for it.
God is great, God is good but I have to do the things I want to do.
You love someone you stick around.
Helping picking up the piece others chipped away.
I try crying, but I'm a dry well.
The lights are dimmed now.
Hard to see one foot in front of the other.
Lets keep it light and fluffy.
Eyes roll towards the sky, sleep taking over this soul.
Hands together I pray that one day I find my way to you again.

Sincerely,

The one who's missing

Well...

He gave me hope.
I looked into his brown eyes and saw a love that was decades old.
Sweet and poetic.
The kind of guy that would send chills down your spine and put butterflies in your stomach.
He was here again.

I like to keep it short and sweet.
No more bright eyes bushy tailed shit.
Things are so real now.
I see my world and it's out of grasps.
No one can break through this shell again.
I realized we both did a lot of opening up and letting all walls fall down, all to feel pain in it's ultimate form.
Never again will I willing feel this.
I will fight it til my last dying breath to not fall into love.
My judgement was lacking, and I felt the repercussions for that.
If anyone asks I was thrown into a fire to die. I'm wasting away.
And I get nothing to this day.
No one to hold my hand and tell me it's ok.
No one to give me a reason as to why I invested so much of my time in one person and then it was all thrown away.
You can say I have friends, but yet I spend my days alone.
You can say I'm successful, but yet it's not enough.
You can say I'm smart, yet I let my heart get thrown to wolves.
I can't say a damn thing anymore, all I can do is cry and have such bitter thoughts which only scorch the furthest reaches of my heart..
Thoughts which only fuck me over til someone else gets the chance..
You say I deserve the best..I am so beautiful..I'm so smart..we'll what the fuck does that matter if I'm all alone.?
If you're not here with me anymore..
Everything sucks...
My birthday is in three days, it means nothing. I can't celebrate being on this planet another year..because I spent that year with you. So I can only mourn this moment.
So thank you.
A toast: to bitterness, loneliness, abandonment, and a shitty year to come.
Here, Here.

The Realness.

Nothing can fill me up..
Glass half empty, never full..
I feel nothing..
I don't want to do anything..
I just want to lay in the darkness and stare off into space..
I'm slipping further and further away..
These smiles I put on are just good enough to keep people out my face..
I find my mind is so susceptible to obsess over certain things..
Repetition is comforting..
No strings attached is a must..
Because in this life, I've learned that no one can be trusted..
I can't even trust myself.

All this is it

He talked a sweet talk.
Told me what I wanted to hear.
I was there for him when I needed saving.
I always do that shit.
He told me how all he wanted was my body.
All he wanted was my passion and nothing else.
I always listen to this.
Start to contemplate my worth all because of him.
Looking for good vibes and good words from those who "love me unconditionally".
Silence is all there is.
Call me names, showing me how worthless I am.

boop beep bop boop

I had something to say and then my voice went away.
With each passing day I forget.
I lay down and let my sorrows slip away.
I wake up to a new day without you.
Judgmental figures pointing my way.
I slip back into sleep.
Hoping to wake up to something better one day.
I used to pray everyday for someone like you.
Then I realized my prayers hadn't been answered yet.
We get so focused on what we want to happen to us that we think it is happening.
Opening up my eyes I now see said truth from the lies.

Help me, I'm dying of Thirst.

Are you ready to jump?
I am.
Soar with the birds straight back to the land.
I sleep til I am born again.
Without the memories, or the hurt.
I lost so much in such a short season.
Guess that's why I'm always so alone.

Sometimes I wish you would get your life together and come win me back.
I love you dearly and I wanted things to work.
All the fighting, crying, and long nights of silence I was just trying to make it all work out.

But instead you're pushing me away with your anger, with your sadness.  But I'm angry and sad too. I trusted you with all that I had, gave everything you wanted and more. I can't help but think it was all for nothing because here I am broken hearted.

I want this season to end. I want things to feel ok again. I just want my heart back together again.

Dying, Someone is Killing Me.

You'll never touch these lips again.
This soft skin of mine has no business with you.
My smile will no longer be your means.
The light I hold is not to be shown onto you.
These tears I cry are not for you.
I mourn the destruction of mine.
I regret that I allowed you to bring me down so low.
Now I can't even get up.
I can't trust anyone..and those I do trust don't love me how you did.
They don't worry about my well being.
They use me for what I'm "good for".
They get mad at me..yelling..pushing me away.
And I'm so lost in it all.
What purpose do I hold but to be someones stress reliever.
To them I'm a fantasy.
Yet I'm living in hell. 

"When I was your man"

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger nowOur song on the radio but it don't sound the sameWhen our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your nameIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manMy pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish waysCaused a good strong woman like you to walk out my lifeNow I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…And it haunts me every time I close my eyesIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manAlthough it hurtsI'll be the first to say that I was wrongOh, I know I'm probably much too lateTo try and apologize for my mistakesBut I just want you to knowI hope he buys you flowersI hope he holds your handGive you all his hoursWhen he has the chanceTake you to every party'Cause I remember how much you loved to danceDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your manDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your man

Song. Words he never said to me. The end.

Speak to me with such eloquence it drives me crazy. Straight to the soul I don't want your music to go away. Help me through tough times, get me to where I can feel ok. Running on adrenaline it's okay. Every now and then I think about where I'm going to end. Here lies such beauty, and I can't wait...

Seductive, you always kill it.
I wonder what it is you want out of life.
Your music brings to me so much.
I hear you in my dreams.
Finding the one is on your to do list, but you have to separate the good from the bad. The great from the decent and it must be so much work to put in...

Sex is what you want. I see it all from beginning to end. I can't blame you, there is so much out there to feel and experience. Just let loose and give into your first instinct. You'll get addicted to this shit first time in. No telling for how long you'll want to swim...

Desperately trying to get it, something you'll never have. Just to be on that high that you once had. You ask those around you for a taste of sin, to no avail. You know when you're happiest, so you don't stop, don't stop. You need that high again...

Love me, hate me. I don't give a fuck because that just aint me. It was one time, we shared something. And from that day it was all over. There on you claimed to love me more than life...

I see you looking so lost about what to do with what you got but I'm gonna show you. I love the way you move, you smell like raspberry and honeydew. Drives me insane thinking of you. I caress your thighs with such intensity you don't know what to do. A soft kiss sends chills down your spine. Everything feels brand new...

And it must be cause your hair flows like a silk robe. You are anything but basic. I know you have a lot of wants and needs but you're all I want and need so I'm pleased if you're pleased. A light kiss hello and I'm in heaven for weeks...

And here we are full circle again. Back to the same music I played back then. I promised that I would sing about you...

Let's get higher than life, you and me. I always tried to keep my record spot free but for you I'm willing to do a little dirty deed. What you bring out of me I can't descibe just yet, but I know my feet are no longer on the ground, I'm high baby...

I fight for you when anyone tries to step on my feet. When you let me make you mine that was it. No one can take you away, we'll be going til the very end baby...

I take you out just to see you put on those fancy clothes that you like. Hair done, face with make up, you're smiling from ear to ear. so much beauty why wouldn't I want to show you off. I love to see you dance, you sway from side to side and I'm totally hypnotized...

you never forgot where you came from. Throw up your hands to remind them. Things are so reminiscent...

You're so bad I don't know whether to spank you or kiss you. Even when you don't try you're so sexy. I don't think I could ever find someone so lovely...

You wont ever see tears trickle down my face unless they're followed by a broad smile. You bring light to my life. I can see so clearly. So I ask that you always stay with me. I love you til the very end, I must keep you near dear baby.