I tell all lies.

Did you find out the truth?
Behind my lies you finally see what it is that's real..
No words to speak, no patience to give me.
Trapped in my own misery, alone.
I sit here waiting like the usual motherfucker you see waiting.
Tapping my foot, looking at my rose gold watch.
Waiting on you is all I seem to do.
Might as well go work in a waiting room..
I never keep you though.
Always there when you call, always on time..
Giving you my all..and what happens next?
Society has you like a sex partner.
The world is awarded your attention, more than I..
No need for me to cry anymore, when shit goes to shit it's shit amd it can't get shittier anymore...I don't even know if that's true or not.
Writing this thing is the only thing that can keep me calm..
Keep me from blowing up your phone 15 more times.
I get tired of feeling this way.
No one else makes me feel this way.
It's not until you,, the truth that I slip into this unhappy state. With all the bitching, lies, and crys, shit, who could handle this. No wonder no one even bothers to answer anymore...no wonder why these text messages and phone calls die and grow old. I keep trying to find better ways to deal with myself. I'm losing all balance, losing all motivation cause this world is fucking hell. Not where I wanna be in anything aspect, yeah I feel good, right? Bullshit. I can't stand the shit on the daily that I have to put up with. People annoying me, fighting, crying about how bad it is. But there are people that wish that things were just bad and not impossible. I can't convert to what society wants. I have to be real and always walk my walk. Sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...

Something.

I want him to stay the night.
Me in his arms, knowing he cares.
My heart knows who it belongs to.
It beats the inside of my chest when it feels him near.
Senses heighten, butterflies soar, my mind goes to thoughts of exotic beaches and and tropical drinks.
It's unearthly the things he makes me desire; the places I want to go.
I see the world and him.
No one else even matters.
I'm at peace when I lay so gently in his arms.
I want him to know that I will never stop my love for him.

When people look down on you and all they can whisper are words of discouragement. Hurting me so deeply inside.
I can't help but never want to see the light.
To never want to crack a smile.
I love nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, feel as though I will never be nothing.
Slipping further and further away.
I need to get my hands on something solid.
Love, hope, reason, inspiration.
Tired of having this everyday life.
I want it to be beautiful. 
Like a still portrait that takes two months to perfect.
Let me find love in the darkest shadow.
Find hope in the greatest desolation.
Find care in every corner of my life.
Let it all find me, let me find it.

Here it is.

In the sadness I can't see clear.
Trying to find my happiness with very little to show for it.
God is great, God is good but I have to do the things I want to do.
You love someone you stick around.
Helping picking up the piece others chipped away.
I try crying, but I'm a dry well.
The lights are dimmed now.
Hard to see one foot in front of the other.
Lets keep it light and fluffy.
Eyes roll towards the sky, sleep taking over this soul.
Hands together I pray that one day I find my way to you again.

Sincerely,

The one who's missing

Well...

He gave me hope.
I looked into his brown eyes and saw a love that was decades old.
Sweet and poetic.
The kind of guy that would send chills down your spine and put butterflies in your stomach.
He was here again.

I like to keep it short and sweet.
No more bright eyes bushy tailed shit.
Things are so real now.
I see my world and it's out of grasps.
No one can break through this shell again.
I realized we both did a lot of opening up and letting all walls fall down, all to feel pain in it's ultimate form.
Never again will I willing feel this.
I will fight it til my last dying breath to not fall into love.
My judgement was lacking, and I felt the repercussions for that.
If anyone asks I was thrown into a fire to die. I'm wasting away.
And I get nothing to this day.
No one to hold my hand and tell me it's ok.
No one to give me a reason as to why I invested so much of my time in one person and then it was all thrown away.
You can say I have friends, but yet I spend my days alone.
You can say I'm successful, but yet it's not enough.
You can say I'm smart, yet I let my heart get thrown to wolves.
I can't say a damn thing anymore, all I can do is cry and have such bitter thoughts which only scorch the furthest reaches of my heart..
Thoughts which only fuck me over til someone else gets the chance..
You say I deserve the best..I am so beautiful..I'm so smart..we'll what the fuck does that matter if I'm all alone.?
If you're not here with me anymore..
Everything sucks...
My birthday is in three days, it means nothing. I can't celebrate being on this planet another year..because I spent that year with you. So I can only mourn this moment.
So thank you.
A toast: to bitterness, loneliness, abandonment, and a shitty year to come.
Here, Here.

The Realness.

Nothing can fill me up..
Glass half empty, never full..
I feel nothing..
I don't want to do anything..
I just want to lay in the darkness and stare off into space..
I'm slipping further and further away..
These smiles I put on are just good enough to keep people out my face..
I find my mind is so susceptible to obsess over certain things..
Repetition is comforting..
No strings attached is a must..
Because in this life, I've learned that no one can be trusted..
I can't even trust myself.

All this is it

He talked a sweet talk.
Told me what I wanted to hear.
I was there for him when I needed saving.
I always do that shit.
He told me how all he wanted was my body.
All he wanted was my passion and nothing else.
I always listen to this.
Start to contemplate my worth all because of him.
Looking for good vibes and good words from those who "love me unconditionally".
Silence is all there is.
Call me names, showing me how worthless I am.

boop beep bop boop

I had something to say and then my voice went away.
With each passing day I forget.
I lay down and let my sorrows slip away.
I wake up to a new day without you.
Judgmental figures pointing my way.
I slip back into sleep.
Hoping to wake up to something better one day.
I used to pray everyday for someone like you.
Then I realized my prayers hadn't been answered yet.
We get so focused on what we want to happen to us that we think it is happening.
Opening up my eyes I now see said truth from the lies.

Help me, I'm dying of Thirst.

Are you ready to jump?
I am.
Soar with the birds straight back to the land.
I sleep til I am born again.
Without the memories, or the hurt.
I lost so much in such a short season.
Guess that's why I'm always so alone.

Sometimes I wish you would get your life together and come win me back.
I love you dearly and I wanted things to work.
All the fighting, crying, and long nights of silence I was just trying to make it all work out.

But instead you're pushing me away with your anger, with your sadness.  But I'm angry and sad too. I trusted you with all that I had, gave everything you wanted and more. I can't help but think it was all for nothing because here I am broken hearted.

I want this season to end. I want things to feel ok again. I just want my heart back together again.