When Did I Become A Ghost?

I secretly hope you read this.
That would be a dream.
To know you still think of me, as I do you every time I try to move on.
Honestly it's easier being a mess than someone's person.
I gave myself to you a long time ago and ever since people have gotten the ghost.
There's no blame here though.
Because we torn each other apart, that's one thing we can agree on.
And years from now when someone tells me you're married with a family and someone tells you I died from drowning in the darkness... I'll secretly wish it was me, and you'll secretly want to be me.
If anything we loved to toxic levels.
We went to a place great poets shy from, a place I'll always remain.
A living hell.
Living with the pain I caused and the lasting scars I'll always have.
A constant reminder that it hurt so much inside the pain and frustration bled out of me.
And I just can't get away.
I want something else, a good, sweet, healthy love.
One I deserve, but deserve in the way I actually know I do.
Sometimes I get so tired of feeling empty.
Of lusting and never loving.
It gets so crazy.
I become so involved and wrapped up in the most fucked up people.
But I swear to you I had love for every single one.
There's just something about knowing you're not the only one going through it.
There's just something about being there for someone... but where are they?
Why don't they ever see me?
These are the insecurities of a ghost you created.
Born on the day my heart was broken, destined to wander the world in search of something bigger than herself.