Song. Words he never said to me. The end.

Speak to me with such eloquence it drives me crazy. Straight to the soul I don't want your music to go away. Help me through tough times, get me to where I can feel ok. Running on adrenaline it's okay. Every now and then I think about where I'm going to end. Here lies such beauty, and I can't wait...

Seductive, you always kill it.
I wonder what it is you want out of life.
Your music brings to me so much.
I hear you in my dreams.
Finding the one is on your to do list, but you have to separate the good from the bad. The great from the decent and it must be so much work to put in...

Sex is what you want. I see it all from beginning to end. I can't blame you, there is so much out there to feel and experience. Just let loose and give into your first instinct. You'll get addicted to this shit first time in. No telling for how long you'll want to swim...

Desperately trying to get it, something you'll never have. Just to be on that high that you once had. You ask those around you for a taste of sin, to no avail. You know when you're happiest, so you don't stop, don't stop. You need that high again...

Love me, hate me. I don't give a fuck because that just aint me. It was one time, we shared something. And from that day it was all over. There on you claimed to love me more than life...

I see you looking so lost about what to do with what you got but I'm gonna show you. I love the way you move, you smell like raspberry and honeydew. Drives me insane thinking of you. I caress your thighs with such intensity you don't know what to do. A soft kiss sends chills down your spine. Everything feels brand new...

And it must be cause your hair flows like a silk robe. You are anything but basic. I know you have a lot of wants and needs but you're all I want and need so I'm pleased if you're pleased. A light kiss hello and I'm in heaven for weeks...

And here we are full circle again. Back to the same music I played back then. I promised that I would sing about you...

Let's get higher than life, you and me. I always tried to keep my record spot free but for you I'm willing to do a little dirty deed. What you bring out of me I can't descibe just yet, but I know my feet are no longer on the ground, I'm high baby...

I fight for you when anyone tries to step on my feet. When you let me make you mine that was it. No one can take you away, we'll be going til the very end baby...

I take you out just to see you put on those fancy clothes that you like. Hair done, face with make up, you're smiling from ear to ear. so much beauty why wouldn't I want to show you off. I love to see you dance, you sway from side to side and I'm totally hypnotized...

you never forgot where you came from. Throw up your hands to remind them. Things are so reminiscent...

You're so bad I don't know whether to spank you or kiss you. Even when you don't try you're so sexy. I don't think I could ever find someone so lovely...

You wont ever see tears trickle down my face unless they're followed by a broad smile. You bring light to my life. I can see so clearly. So I ask that you always stay with me. I love you til the very end, I must keep you near dear baby.

Have you been feeling better yet?
It'll come.
I'm not down playing our love but our hate was too strong.
Some say I'm caught up cause I can't stop talking about you but thats dumb.
I made a commitment to you and I loved you and I did so much for you but It was all for nothing.
I gave my heart and it was thrown back at me all crumbled. I don't know what love is to you but what it is for me doesn't involve that. I'm trying my best to move on but the nurturing side of me still lingers. But I did this for me. Because I wasn't happy. Because you were not what I needed you to be. So then it's done and other. You're sad, I'm sad and then it'll just brush over. You'll find your mind again and my heart will resurface. Maybe with a few holes in it but that wouldn't be the first time. I hope they are all right. I hope everything will get better in time.

Pain in it's purest form.

It's surprising how good I am.
I guess for me it had been over for a long time.
Probably when I wasn't able to cry for you anymore, just cry because of how you made me feel.
I was being tortured.
Hands around my throat, it's like I could no longer breathe.
My hopes, goals, and dreams seem to have diminished.
I don't know when I'll find myself again.
God knows I'm trying.

Just in a Phone Call...

He said to me that true love never fades.
I think to myself you don't know the tale I have to tell.
He said to me I never got the chance to speak my mind.
Well sometimes, there isn't enough time.
He says no matter what you'd be happy even when there are tragic times.
I say to him it hurt way too much, I lost myself, now it's nothing but soul searching and wondering what's next for me.
I explained with fail, my reasoning, my heart, my feelings, my revaluation, my all.
I gave it and you heard nothing.
For those forty minutes I was your wife and you didn't want me to leave.
But you lost me.

Whatever.

I find myself trying to fill a void.
In search of something to keep the darkness from coming into my life.
I let go of pain to find my happiness again.
I see things now that I wasn't able to see before.
It's just me here, like it's been for a long while.
Since before time.
Eyes wide shut no more.
Heart numb.
Soul torn.
Thinking too much, or not thinking enough.
I can't tell you that the sun will shine tomorrow. Or that this pain won't be forever.
I think life happened to us both and it was my time to fight back.
One day you'll find your fight.
One day you'll learn to love someone else.
I see the light pouring through the window like these tears pour from my heart.
My soul is washed out and I'm left alone in the dark.
This bed is empty where you once were.
I lay next to my only friend, buddy.
He can't hold me tight, he can't tell me everything is gonna be alright.
But I know it will.
I am meant to love and be loved and I won't ever let those words slip from my mind.
I sit in a corner on the floor at the end of the universe.
With a bottle, I'm intoxicated with pain.
I made the decision to trust, love, let in, and give....and it was all for nothing.
I was betrayed, abused, scared, alone, tricked, and hurt.
Now I'm all those things and more.
I might throw my dreams away, I might turn to the bottle every day.
But at least I made some type of decision for what I feel is right for me.
I had to let go of what was killing me because you we're taking my down a dark road.
You can piss your life away all you want but I won't do the same.
I see a million people a day getting through life, being fighters and that's what I want, those are the kinds of people I come from.

My final farewell...

I bid you farewell..
I say goodbye because I can no longer say it's alright.
I will be fine so there is no need to worry.
You will forever live in my heart..
whether it be for love or hatred you may not ever know.
I hope you take this last goodbye and realize I didn't just do this for me.
I had to let you go so not only I would grow, but so you would see the world for what it is.
It's not this dark scary place that you have familiarized yourself with.
But it is a chance to live, love, and let go.

I am now a river.
Free, let go to flow.
I will bring beauty to the world eternally.
I will never stop smiling.
I will never stop chasing after my dreams.
You helped me realize what I want and need.
I hope I showed you just how love can be.
Maybe one day we can come together again, but for now...
I bid you farewell.
For this slumber is much needed since my eyes have grown low...
So goodnight.
Don't hold on to me anymore.
I am a flightless bird.
No longer will I be caged and enraged by all the I'm sorry's and I tried.
I will fly the skies never to touch this sadness again.
So thank you for loving me enough to let me go.

I will always love you Gavin Armstrong.
Goodbye.

Do You Hear Me?

I'm a terrible person.
Trying to do it all but doing nothing at all.
I feel like I'm paddling in a boat with just one ore.
Forever going round and round all alone.
I've never been so dazed in my life.
Never been so hurt and low down.
I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
Life is really showing me what I've become.
Dreams turing into a nightmare.
One by one.
I'm doing the most but not getting it done.
I want out.
Outta a life where I can't win for losing,
Where I can't see the goodness.
I just want to give up...
I feel like I'm in trouble.
How do I get up?

Pulse.

Hours gone, but never forgotten.
Gasps of breath.
Lips searching for yours.
That feeling when you get out of control.
Touch a body that's never been touched, never been explored before.
Finding all the right spots in all the right places.
Forceful grab.
Intentional hair pull.
Bite on the neck.
Tasting love, fear, desire, and despair.
It's unheard of, what's going on here?
It's so new, sinful, amazing.
Wrestling my body underneath yours.
Welcoming you to the gateway to heaven.
Escapsing a personal hell.
Eyes see the inner skull.
Heart rate is going at it double time.
Moans of relief are soon to follow...
Then I have a thought...
Where did all the fear go?
When did passion and pain become better?
I listen to your final breath, our bodies are through for.
You memorize patterns of stars in the sky while I quietly wonder why...
You're gone.
Never turning back to say goodnight.
We all make mistakes right?
Thoughts of forgiveness already cloud my head.
I have to be stronger than this.
I taste it still...the passion, the fear, and the pain.
And it all tastes so good to me.

New.

I have this new view. On the sixth floor seeing things as though I haven't before. I think that one thought that life is too short. I go a floor higher. I think that we're all alone in this world, from start to finish. Now I'm on the top floor. No one can tell me what to do. I have my life, you have your own to do things to. I make my way up to the roof. Cold as ice, no one in sight. It's dark. At this point I've realized all that I have lost in life. There is nothing that can replace it. My heart is dripping out down back to Earth. I want to go with it. There's no point of return. I see the horizon. All the lights sparkle like jewels. My soul is in this city. I escaped here to find myself. Bury me where I stand. No heart. No soul. No life. I must go. Leave the rooftop back down to Earth. Where all is warm and comforting...or so I thought before. My dreams are so unachievable. Hope is lost. My mind is no more. I look down from the top only to see I am so deep in the ground. There is no more light. Nothing to look forward to. Empty. Lost. Gone.

First post, last post.

When this began it was all happy, it was grand.
Now rumbles is where we stand.
I love you dearly, I do.
And forever you will be in my heart where you belong, as I do in yours.
Onw day I decided I could love you forever.
I decided I was ready for whatever a real relationship was to bring.
I trusted you with everything.
I loved you in every way.
Making sacrifices, trying new things.
I began to change.
Now here I stand, not even close to who I was when I began.
I've toughened up, realized how real this love can be.
It's forever, because I can't stop loving thee.