Well...

He gave me hope.
I looked into his brown eyes and saw a love that was decades old.
Sweet and poetic.
The kind of guy that would send chills down your spine and put butterflies in your stomach.
He was here again.

I like to keep it short and sweet.
No more bright eyes bushy tailed shit.
Things are so real now.
I see my world and it's out of grasps.
No one can break through this shell again.
I realized we both did a lot of opening up and letting all walls fall down, all to feel pain in it's ultimate form.
Never again will I willing feel this.
I will fight it til my last dying breath to not fall into love.
My judgement was lacking, and I felt the repercussions for that.
If anyone asks I was thrown into a fire to die. I'm wasting away.
And I get nothing to this day.
No one to hold my hand and tell me it's ok.
No one to give me a reason as to why I invested so much of my time in one person and then it was all thrown away.
You can say I have friends, but yet I spend my days alone.
You can say I'm successful, but yet it's not enough.
You can say I'm smart, yet I let my heart get thrown to wolves.
I can't say a damn thing anymore, all I can do is cry and have such bitter thoughts which only scorch the furthest reaches of my heart..
Thoughts which only fuck me over til someone else gets the chance..
You say I deserve the best..I am so beautiful..I'm so smart..we'll what the fuck does that matter if I'm all alone.?
If you're not here with me anymore..
Everything sucks...
My birthday is in three days, it means nothing. I can't celebrate being on this planet another year..because I spent that year with you. So I can only mourn this moment.
So thank you.
A toast: to bitterness, loneliness, abandonment, and a shitty year to come.
Here, Here.

The Realness.

Nothing can fill me up..
Glass half empty, never full..
I feel nothing..
I don't want to do anything..
I just want to lay in the darkness and stare off into space..
I'm slipping further and further away..
These smiles I put on are just good enough to keep people out my face..
I find my mind is so susceptible to obsess over certain things..
Repetition is comforting..
No strings attached is a must..
Because in this life, I've learned that no one can be trusted..
I can't even trust myself.

All this is it

He talked a sweet talk.
Told me what I wanted to hear.
I was there for him when I needed saving.
I always do that shit.
He told me how all he wanted was my body.
All he wanted was my passion and nothing else.
I always listen to this.
Start to contemplate my worth all because of him.
Looking for good vibes and good words from those who "love me unconditionally".
Silence is all there is.
Call me names, showing me how worthless I am.

boop beep bop boop

I had something to say and then my voice went away.
With each passing day I forget.
I lay down and let my sorrows slip away.
I wake up to a new day without you.
Judgmental figures pointing my way.
I slip back into sleep.
Hoping to wake up to something better one day.
I used to pray everyday for someone like you.
Then I realized my prayers hadn't been answered yet.
We get so focused on what we want to happen to us that we think it is happening.
Opening up my eyes I now see said truth from the lies.

Help me, I'm dying of Thirst.

Are you ready to jump?
I am.
Soar with the birds straight back to the land.
I sleep til I am born again.
Without the memories, or the hurt.
I lost so much in such a short season.
Guess that's why I'm always so alone.

Sometimes I wish you would get your life together and come win me back.
I love you dearly and I wanted things to work.
All the fighting, crying, and long nights of silence I was just trying to make it all work out.

But instead you're pushing me away with your anger, with your sadness.  But I'm angry and sad too. I trusted you with all that I had, gave everything you wanted and more. I can't help but think it was all for nothing because here I am broken hearted.

I want this season to end. I want things to feel ok again. I just want my heart back together again.

Dying, Someone is Killing Me.

You'll never touch these lips again.
This soft skin of mine has no business with you.
My smile will no longer be your means.
The light I hold is not to be shown onto you.
These tears I cry are not for you.
I mourn the destruction of mine.
I regret that I allowed you to bring me down so low.
Now I can't even get up.
I can't trust anyone..and those I do trust don't love me how you did.
They don't worry about my well being.
They use me for what I'm "good for".
They get mad at me..yelling..pushing me away.
And I'm so lost in it all.
What purpose do I hold but to be someones stress reliever.
To them I'm a fantasy.
Yet I'm living in hell. 

"When I was your man"

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger nowOur song on the radio but it don't sound the sameWhen our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your nameIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manMy pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish waysCaused a good strong woman like you to walk out my lifeNow I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…And it haunts me every time I close my eyesIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manAlthough it hurtsI'll be the first to say that I was wrongOh, I know I'm probably much too lateTo try and apologize for my mistakesBut I just want you to knowI hope he buys you flowersI hope he holds your handGive you all his hoursWhen he has the chanceTake you to every party'Cause I remember how much you loved to danceDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your manDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your man

Song. Words he never said to me. The end.

Speak to me with such eloquence it drives me crazy. Straight to the soul I don't want your music to go away. Help me through tough times, get me to where I can feel ok. Running on adrenaline it's okay. Every now and then I think about where I'm going to end. Here lies such beauty, and I can't wait...

Seductive, you always kill it.
I wonder what it is you want out of life.
Your music brings to me so much.
I hear you in my dreams.
Finding the one is on your to do list, but you have to separate the good from the bad. The great from the decent and it must be so much work to put in...

Sex is what you want. I see it all from beginning to end. I can't blame you, there is so much out there to feel and experience. Just let loose and give into your first instinct. You'll get addicted to this shit first time in. No telling for how long you'll want to swim...

Desperately trying to get it, something you'll never have. Just to be on that high that you once had. You ask those around you for a taste of sin, to no avail. You know when you're happiest, so you don't stop, don't stop. You need that high again...

Love me, hate me. I don't give a fuck because that just aint me. It was one time, we shared something. And from that day it was all over. There on you claimed to love me more than life...

I see you looking so lost about what to do with what you got but I'm gonna show you. I love the way you move, you smell like raspberry and honeydew. Drives me insane thinking of you. I caress your thighs with such intensity you don't know what to do. A soft kiss sends chills down your spine. Everything feels brand new...

And it must be cause your hair flows like a silk robe. You are anything but basic. I know you have a lot of wants and needs but you're all I want and need so I'm pleased if you're pleased. A light kiss hello and I'm in heaven for weeks...

And here we are full circle again. Back to the same music I played back then. I promised that I would sing about you...

Let's get higher than life, you and me. I always tried to keep my record spot free but for you I'm willing to do a little dirty deed. What you bring out of me I can't descibe just yet, but I know my feet are no longer on the ground, I'm high baby...

I fight for you when anyone tries to step on my feet. When you let me make you mine that was it. No one can take you away, we'll be going til the very end baby...

I take you out just to see you put on those fancy clothes that you like. Hair done, face with make up, you're smiling from ear to ear. so much beauty why wouldn't I want to show you off. I love to see you dance, you sway from side to side and I'm totally hypnotized...

you never forgot where you came from. Throw up your hands to remind them. Things are so reminiscent...

You're so bad I don't know whether to spank you or kiss you. Even when you don't try you're so sexy. I don't think I could ever find someone so lovely...

You wont ever see tears trickle down my face unless they're followed by a broad smile. You bring light to my life. I can see so clearly. So I ask that you always stay with me. I love you til the very end, I must keep you near dear baby.

Have you been feeling better yet?
It'll come.
I'm not down playing our love but our hate was too strong.
Some say I'm caught up cause I can't stop talking about you but thats dumb.
I made a commitment to you and I loved you and I did so much for you but It was all for nothing.
I gave my heart and it was thrown back at me all crumbled. I don't know what love is to you but what it is for me doesn't involve that. I'm trying my best to move on but the nurturing side of me still lingers. But I did this for me. Because I wasn't happy. Because you were not what I needed you to be. So then it's done and other. You're sad, I'm sad and then it'll just brush over. You'll find your mind again and my heart will resurface. Maybe with a few holes in it but that wouldn't be the first time. I hope they are all right. I hope everything will get better in time.

Pain in it's purest form.

It's surprising how good I am.
I guess for me it had been over for a long time.
Probably when I wasn't able to cry for you anymore, just cry because of how you made me feel.
I was being tortured.
Hands around my throat, it's like I could no longer breathe.
My hopes, goals, and dreams seem to have diminished.
I don't know when I'll find myself again.
God knows I'm trying.

Just in a Phone Call...

He said to me that true love never fades.
I think to myself you don't know the tale I have to tell.
He said to me I never got the chance to speak my mind.
Well sometimes, there isn't enough time.
He says no matter what you'd be happy even when there are tragic times.
I say to him it hurt way too much, I lost myself, now it's nothing but soul searching and wondering what's next for me.
I explained with fail, my reasoning, my heart, my feelings, my revaluation, my all.
I gave it and you heard nothing.
For those forty minutes I was your wife and you didn't want me to leave.
But you lost me.

Whatever.

I find myself trying to fill a void.
In search of something to keep the darkness from coming into my life.
I let go of pain to find my happiness again.
I see things now that I wasn't able to see before.
It's just me here, like it's been for a long while.
Since before time.
Eyes wide shut no more.
Heart numb.
Soul torn.
Thinking too much, or not thinking enough.
I can't tell you that the sun will shine tomorrow. Or that this pain won't be forever.
I think life happened to us both and it was my time to fight back.
One day you'll find your fight.
One day you'll learn to love someone else.
I see the light pouring through the window like these tears pour from my heart.
My soul is washed out and I'm left alone in the dark.
This bed is empty where you once were.
I lay next to my only friend, buddy.
He can't hold me tight, he can't tell me everything is gonna be alright.
But I know it will.
I am meant to love and be loved and I won't ever let those words slip from my mind.
I sit in a corner on the floor at the end of the universe.
With a bottle, I'm intoxicated with pain.
I made the decision to trust, love, let in, and give....and it was all for nothing.
I was betrayed, abused, scared, alone, tricked, and hurt.
Now I'm all those things and more.
I might throw my dreams away, I might turn to the bottle every day.
But at least I made some type of decision for what I feel is right for me.
I had to let go of what was killing me because you we're taking my down a dark road.
You can piss your life away all you want but I won't do the same.
I see a million people a day getting through life, being fighters and that's what I want, those are the kinds of people I come from.

My final farewell...

I bid you farewell..
I say goodbye because I can no longer say it's alright.
I will be fine so there is no need to worry.
You will forever live in my heart..
whether it be for love or hatred you may not ever know.
I hope you take this last goodbye and realize I didn't just do this for me.
I had to let you go so not only I would grow, but so you would see the world for what it is.
It's not this dark scary place that you have familiarized yourself with.
But it is a chance to live, love, and let go.

I am now a river.
Free, let go to flow.
I will bring beauty to the world eternally.
I will never stop smiling.
I will never stop chasing after my dreams.
You helped me realize what I want and need.
I hope I showed you just how love can be.
Maybe one day we can come together again, but for now...
I bid you farewell.
For this slumber is much needed since my eyes have grown low...
So goodnight.
Don't hold on to me anymore.
I am a flightless bird.
No longer will I be caged and enraged by all the I'm sorry's and I tried.
I will fly the skies never to touch this sadness again.
So thank you for loving me enough to let me go.

I will always love you Gavin Armstrong.
Goodbye.