So it's true.
I won't be waking up to you.
I won't listen to your heart or your breath.
It sucks when you picture a life.
When you hear sweet words and wonder "Oh my, this can't be life".
Well it isn't my dear.
I fear the day I'll wake up and no one will be around.
So cold and lonely this winter, but I rather not be found.
I apologize for worry.
And the pain.
Lord forgive me.
I lie in shame.
What does it mean when I know I can love you?
Does it mean I've been here, done that, and it'll all end soon?
I see something in you I haven't seen in another and it keeps me coming.
Simple days, simple nights and I can't keep running.
Whether I'm ready to settle down or we just connect, I don't know but I'm loving it.
I've never been more scared than I am now.
Hands around my neck.
Tears in my eyes.
But I love you.
These are lies I tell myself.
Palms to the wall.
The earth losing all connection with me.
The stars rise and my hope in you falls.
I'm sorry I had to end it.
No mercy.
I pushed you to a breaking point you wanted for so long.
But I care for you.
Like mothers do their children.
Like farmers care for their land.
I stood by you all these years.
But before I knew it I was gone.
I was no longer yours and you were no longer mine.
But I loved you.
As you let me slip away you took the last thing I had left.
You took away my desire to die.
I found life in that very moment between life and death.
I had never wanted anything more.
And I think you knew that.
I think you saw it in my eyes as they slowly closed.
I think you found what you were looking for.
It's just too bad you can't steal this will to live from another.
As I rest in peace you'll still be looking for a reason to live.
If only you knew how the gods watch over you.
Protecting and admiring.
They love every part of you.
Looking up to the clouds in the sky and you find your ecstacy.
No other moment could come close to a moment as nice as this.
The love you have inside of you is forever.
Darkness may take over each time thereafter though you survive.
Why?
Because you were made to love a million times over.
Can't quite find your stride in life so you keep a steady waddle.
Hopefully one day it all comes together as we once hoped.
Even if I let go they're all with me
Leaving a song or a piece of their life behind with me.
I still hop up in the morning thanking God I made it to another day.
I just wanted to say I love you and everything I do now is in hopes to get another tomorrow with you.
No matter the trials it's always me who perseveres.
Keep me in your heart even when I'm no longer here.
As you block me out I'm pushing in.
Straight to the darkest part of my soul.
I ask that you forgive me as I fall apart because you might feel my icy cold.
The best thing now is to be apart.
So I don't lose control.
The idea of not being able to see the light is a tragedy.
I tried so hard to be so many things to so many people.
I feel a hundred years old.
The worst part is that what I have to show just isn't enough.
I can't be happy with things and stuff.
All I want is for someone to say "cheer up, let's talk".
I never wanted to see so badly.
This darkness inside was unheard of.
I deserved everything that had come.
My heart was squeezed dry, every last drop of love vanished.
There was a point I didn't care.
I just wanted someone there.
But then I yearned for someone to play a role.
But there was a scarcity of actors and so I made best of what I gathered.
I made up all these good feelings.
I projected.
I had always been the one picking up the pieces.
But I've hit a wall.
And now I must free fall.
I don't know if I'll survive it.
I don't know if I'll make it.
But I'll always be remembered as the one who loved many and too often...the one who was never enough...destined to be just one.
She walks this slight path.
Leaning towards death or happiness.
There's no in between.
The sun creeps up on her every morning caressing her with love or so that's what she tells herself.
She let it all go.
The pain, heartache, false promises.
They all mean nothing.
They fade away as the moon takes the place of the sun.
It's all going to be okay she realizes.
Saying this with great belief.
She loves herself with great sadness and devotion.
Just like she worships the men that hurt her.
But that's not it.
It's not the point of my story.
All I want to say is that love comes from within.
It'll always grow from within and going outward.
As the world turns and changes I experience my own evolution.
Realizing that dedication and hard work are the only things that will send you somewhere nice. But lately heartbreak got you thinking twice. Maybe in reality you're dancing with the devil and sleeping with his friends. Time to let the morning sun take you away. Time to get back in the groove of things.
She pushed away from the shore, adrift at sea it didn't matter if she could ever return.
Her heart iced over many times before.
Clearing her mind was important.
She left behind a world of hurt.
In a haze realizing that worth hadn't yet been defined.
Self reflecting with an angel, hearing tales of heart breaks and aches.
With age comes wisdom or so she hoped.
Letting go was the hardest thing, but the best thing, she just wouldn't know.
At least she figured out what her heart desired.
That people won't change.
That it's in their DNA to be who they are.
There comes a time where loving yourself shouldn't be the only thing carrying you on.
I had to say yes to a chance at more.
Because I'll never give up hope.
Two ships pass in the distance during the night.
We're like those passing ships.
Beautiful on the outside, pure chaos on the inside.
We don't always have all the answers nor can we always say all the right things.
But there's love involved or something reminiscent.
Hearing me cry out your name.
Everything falls and slips away.
Silence is my best friend.
Things seem less crazy at times and I realize just how much life is around me.
It's all so captivating but so easy to miss out on.
So I thank the stars in the sky.
Thank the seas for always waving goodbye.
Thank the breeze as it holds me tight.
And I thank the earth as I fall back upon it.
You can't always have darkness when there's a hint of light.
You can't always fight the destiny set forth before you.
Just give and let love be.
She's given me the love, that love I've never had.
Across seas and galaxies you'll hear that she's the one.
People see me with her and they wonder who I've become.
Bringing out a better me, that's what I'm trying to be and I've felt that I have won. So hopefully one day I can share this story with my sons.
That love is often here and there, but it will always come.
Spending time with her there's no better place for me to be.
I love her now, I'll love her then, and for all the years in front of us.
She's currently falling to her death.
The desire to hasten things is evident.
She stopped caring the day she took your hand.
She says a little prayer and does a little dance.
She relishes in the pain.
Thankful, someone sees her.
Spinning off into a disastrous world.
It's so dark there.
She's so gone because she knows she belongs there.
Quick to leave you alone and wish you weren't there.
She closes her eyes and wishes you away.
She closes her eyes and wishes you would stay.
She was like sexual heroine.
Always dancing in the wind meeting his every move to the beat.
Temptation is what he knew her as.
He could not stop it.
That inevitable day they would cross paths again.
She had fire in her eyes to match the heat of their auras.
Constantly pulling each other back in.
So they danced the night away, hand in hand.
She finally let go of scary, unworldly thoughts.
She figured it out.
All she ever needed was a release and that was him.
Carnal instinct takes over.
She knows what she wants and she's no longer fighting it.
She enters a world she knew little about.
One of utmost passion, pleasure, and pain.
She falls in and loses herself, again, and again, and again.
I channel my inner dark days.
Realizing that I'm living this day on repeat I haven't learned a fucking thing.
Still giving the fuck boys the fuel they need for their fire.
What can I say at this point?
I wanna be saved, but no one ever wants to step up for the saving.
I'm not sorry for all the love had, but more so bitter about all the time that's passed.
This is shit that I'm never getting back.
They say I'm young, have fun, be free and love whomever.
But I can't even be seen.
Not a soul on my level or living on this plane.
It gets so lonely, even with the fame.
So love hard and raw and never stop to take it all in.
Because soon enough you'll reach that point of no return and all will be gold again.
You want what the heart wants. One can't simply ignore ones needs. One can't simply avoid being free when freedom is all you truly wanted. You want what the heart needs. If it keeps you cool in the summer and holds you tight in the winter how could you flee. Time and time again. You try every time to fight it but why are you going against the forces of attraction now. Simply put, the heart is lonely and scared and tired of being abandoned. Sinking your soul into dreams of others. Give your energy and passion to those whom don't deserve it. You know where you've turned wrong, but you're so devoted. Each time is like the last time, but here we are, time and time again. The devil in you is coming out and you no longer want to keep him in. You thank the Lord for the passion and pray it'll last just a little longer than before. Giving into all the things you stop yourself from before.
Giving him everything you wanted for that someone more.
I leave the dream world in search of you, because I love waking up to you.
The morning light hits your eyes just right, giving me a chance to see your truth.
Look at what you've done to me.
Making simple things seem extraordinary.
Your love shines bright and early.
Carrying me through the day to the night in anticipation of the next morning.
I take your face between my hands and image what you've seen and what you'll do in life.
Given faith that even the most devoted envy I give myself to you.
Mind, body, and soul.
Hoping that one day it'll all make sense to you.
I do nothing in regards to obligation or social normality.
Everything is born in the heart and carried on through.
That lustful hunger you feel is unbearable, but you know just what to do to drive it off.
My body sings for you.
The universe gives birth to something we all needed.
Me and you.
Some things were just met to happen.
Some things needed to happen so we'd know what the far reaches of love were like.
So we'd know what it felt like to be needed and wanted and fought for.
Every morning I wake up I know it could be the last.
And im okay with that.
Because all the food for thought you fed my soul could keep me satisfied for years to come.
Clarity reaches the mind, the heart is no where to be found.
All this happens in the morning.
I want to be alone she said out loud.
These words spoke volumes to her story that was still unknown.
Her heart was empty.
She couldn't let go of the past, couldn't help but feel as though her love was used and abused.
Time and time again, she recalled all this in the morning.
When dreams reflected everything her heart desired.
When time couldn't quite grasp what it was her mind could.
When all the colors and sounds she ever knew turned to nothing.
All of this happened in the morning.
That heavy feeling in her heart, followed by that hollowness in her mind.
Reaching out for help when no one is even there.
I choose me.
Rather than being a pawn in your life, the unrequited love, pain in your side,
I choose to love me.
Years have gone by and I've been so strong in this stride.
I've climbed mountains, maneuvered great waters, and soared through clear skies.
If I want to finally take some time back, be good to myself then I will do that.
People come and go, just as leaves stray way from their mother tree.
I've reached deep down into my soul to discover that I can do this alone.
And it won't be a bad thing.
It won't remotely be a bad thing for me.
I've always been my greatest love affair.
Falling for myself, I couldn't keep my feet from slipping beneath me.
Nothing could ever compared.
It took losing so many to learn that all I really needed was myself.
Because sometimes you just need a friend and not a lover.
Sometimes you just need peace and quiet and not the screams we can never stifle.
No regrets, I've lived with no regrets.
Everything that I've been through I wouldn't wish it away.
From my deepest of pains to my childhood memories.
Those lessons that came, the ways I could help others learn from my stories.
To this day I hold my head up high because of me.
Because every time I wanted to walk away, I couldn't.
I never gave up.
Dancing along the fine line between sane and pure insanity.
Waltzing my way into the beds of the bad just to keep away the nightmares.
Holding on just to keep holding on and not feel that deep intense feeling of failing another.
The truth is.
Me as a person, my entire being will only compliment some.
And that's okay with me.
Bring it on complimentary beings
I give so much.
Yet they don't love me.
Why is that? I can't give you the sun when I am the moon.
Why can't you know what I am to you?
Things don't make sense when you're in my space.
I care, I do but why don't you see me like I'd love you to.
So I sit up hoping.
And that's what you'll ever be to me.
I just want to be free.
So free yourself the boy replied.
I can't tell you many many times I've died inside.
But do they die with you he asked?
I thought for a moment before I spoke.
They never even knew what beautiful disasters were within me.
How can you be free if you don't let go?
How can you let go when you aren't free from the get go?
So the cycle must be broken somehow, you must prioritize what matters to you most.
Because at the end of the day you are you're longest long term relationship.
I'd pick me over you any day is that what you want me to say?
But there's not a me without you, when you are my heart.
Your heart is complete with me, but let's focus on getting your mind some peace and serenity.
I never doubted that you'd guide me into believing I'm the power to healing. . .
Letting go isn't about letting any off the hook.
Letting go is about taking charge of the things you decide to put time in energy into.
And I choose me.
Because without me there won't ever be a you.
The whole while she was running towards you she was running away from everything else.
You look into these big brown eyes, but there's no soul behind them.
She loves with a broken heart, it's tainted, impure.
Walk away before the floor turns to quick sand.
Trust in the fact that she will never be perfect, she will never understand.
Try as you might to break through thick walls, but each time failure shows its face.
Slip those little pink pills into her hands.
Let her melt away, because she isn't able stand up against reality.
They say she's broken, that she's so tortured.
But she just can't ever forget the look on any of the faces she has shamed.
He said he might have a girlfriend soon.
He looks at me with eyes that have seen it all.
Hungry for more of my everything.
When did I become his everything?
Was it when I walked through that door or when our souls were created?
We were made for this.
When it's right it's right.
And things haven't been right for awhile.
So I keep myself good for him.
All fuckboys of my past only a whisper.
How can you love so much yet feel so alone?
Clearly there's a piece missing.
The part that puts everything else into place.
You're given the chance to pull your head above water.
What will you do?
Sink or swim?
Do or die?
You know they'll be there for you regardless.
So why do you cry?
We all know your sad little song.
Been hurt more than a fighter working towards the championship.
Sit back and watch the beauty unravel.
Linger in the moments where you laughed because you've never been loved like this.
No questions need to be asked.
No games are even necessary.
Because you want this to work out.
You need the light and want to live on that pedestal you've become a bit fond of.
So smile like the sun and be as free as the sea.
Maybe this is everything you know you deserve.
What is it your heart desires? Who do you need to love you? Why can't you feel okay? The questions I ask myself, yet seldom come up with an answer. I'm not one to throw pity parties these days. I'm a strong independent woman. But at times fall victim to the darkness. It pulls me in and reminds me why life isn't a happy fairytale. It reminds me that I'm alone. It reminds me that everything meaningful in my life is only temporary. That this is what we're doing now and it won't be forever. Perhaps I won't get the love I deserve in this lifetime or even the next. Maybe I am one of the loveless. Destined to be alone for eternity. Maybe it's just impossible to love someone as fucked up as me. Afterall, if your creator talks to you like shit what does it matter if everyone else does. This is the source of my darkness. Of the sadness that courses through my veins. I just want to feel alive again.
There's little hope for the wicked and you're no exception.
You think when love should be unconditional that it'll be the last to cause you pain.
I know for a fact now that there is no such thing as unconditional love.
For I have loved and hated.
I have been loved and hated.
I try entirely too hard to figure out my life. To be a lover and stray from the fights, from the anger.
I now wonder what is the point to it all
If I'm gonna be right back in the same darkness I came from, what is really the point?
That moment we've all been waiting for.
It's finally here.
My heart torn to little bits.
My pride and dignity intact but what's the use?
Won't keep me warm at night.
It's hard realizing that they aren't the right one.
It's even harder having to be the adult and tell them.
The whole time after waiting for a protest..or just wanting to take your words back.
It was the same thing with him.
It's the same with all of them.
I guess we were just two people hanging out.
It was comfortable but that's about all.
There was no dazzle, like the clouds.
No security, like the lucky ones.
There wasn't even promise.
Hope falls out.
My dreams are up in the air.
All that I know is I don't care anymore.
Perhaps I'll stop sleeping with the enemy, and start getting to know myself more.
I'm perfect at it.
Missing you that was never mine.
I thought I was the shit but your distance helped me realize quick that I wasn't it.
Alternate agenda?
Better offers out there..I'll never know.
But what I do understand is that the snow melted, but your heart was still cold.
Thaw out all my hopes and all you get is a wet dream.
I love with my body first, mind and heart will find their way after.
A part of me wants to lose control because of all the sadness.
Days fly by and it's already Saturday.
Where did my mind go?
Gone off substance and shit.
Who doesn't have problems ?
Who cried so much early on that they can't cry anymore ?
Whose heart hurts when they decide to keep breathing?
All we give are apologies.
No love, no care, less respect.
And what's left?
Just a half empty bottle of jack and shattered hopes and dreams.
No heart.
No passion.
You don't even care.
All passive.
No aggression.
Are you even there?
Your heart resides in the slums you used to call home.
They can't even see you when you cry.
Leave and come back, but why?
Speak but say nothing.
You know this is how the cycle repeats itself.
Are willing to trade in your stability for a false hope of security?
Will this be a detour off my path onto an even darker one?
When we open up it all comes pouring out
The cries when you begin to deal with your lack of attention.
The worries that money rules the world.
Your questions of humanity.
Are you really a good girl?
In bed by the time the sun sets.
You're a stranger to the night life.
But the bourbon on the dresser starts gleaming and comes to life.
You start to relive the old days when people were crazy for you, and not crazy with you.
You scoff a little at the thought that everything is so different yet it's all the same.
I've got those same fears and feelings but it's just a different day.
He says you won't find him in the past because he doesn't live there.
Not worried over the future because you have to give yourself to the present.
But how do you train your mind to only see one thing at a time?
Unlike me, who resides in past, present, and future and feels all their woes.
I carry my vices like a bag of groceries.
And she's all over me.
When will this drought end. . . ?
I secretly hope you read this.
That would be a dream.
To know you still think of me, as I do you every time I try to move on.
Honestly it's easier being a mess than someone's person.
I gave myself to you a long time ago and ever since people have gotten the ghost.
There's no blame here though.
Because we torn each other apart, that's one thing we can agree on.
And years from now when someone tells me you're married with a family and someone tells you I died from drowning in the darkness... I'll secretly wish it was me, and you'll secretly want to be me.
If anything we loved to toxic levels.
We went to a place great poets shy from, a place I'll always remain.
A living hell.
Living with the pain I caused and the lasting scars I'll always have.
A constant reminder that it hurt so much inside the pain and frustration bled out of me.
And I just can't get away.
I want something else, a good, sweet, healthy love.
One I deserve, but deserve in the way I actually know I do.
Sometimes I get so tired of feeling empty.
Of lusting and never loving.
It gets so crazy.
I become so involved and wrapped up in the most fucked up people.
But I swear to you I had love for every single one.
There's just something about knowing you're not the only one going through it.
There's just something about being there for someone... but where are they?
Why don't they ever see me?
These are the insecurities of a ghost you created.
Born on the day my heart was broken, destined to wander the world in search of something bigger than herself.
With my heart on my sleeve I dreamed of someone like you.
Too bad my dreams never come true.
When all you know is the bad and the sadness comforts you, what can you do?
I hold my breath to see if it makes a difference.
I trace a path on parts of my body only you've seen.
To know me is to love me, but when you can't even remember my name we're far from that reality.
When what you want becomes what you need it's time to leave.
I can't trust in you as I did all the others.
Man is so dishonest and loyalty is a thing of the past.
So I can't even be mad when I push you away.
When all your flaws are on display.
When every tear is a waterfall.
Maybe I'm wrong for sabotaging what we had together.
I just realized from day one we wouldn't be forever.
This sadness is a blessing.
It keeps me comfort when the days grow cold.
I dream of when you'll be mine.
But for now this sadness keeps me warm.
Little do you know, it has nothing to do with you.
This sadness is a blessing.
I tell no lies, but I shy from the truth.
In everything I do I never want to hurt you.
I dance along the line you don't want me to cross.
Not a care in the world.
Because this sadness is my greatest blessing.
When you leave it stays with me, rocks me through the scary night.
Watch my soul darken as the time drags by ever so slow.
This sadness is a blessing, it will comfort me when you and I are no more.
Wrapped inside of your love, or your care, whatever it is that lies in between your legs.
You, that's the only thing I notice.
If only you were that simple, but you're far from it.
On the surface you look like any other person, but deep down you're dark like me.
You have your own beliefs and state of mind and you like to try and put me on.
You care and then you don't and it's the perfect harmony.
I try seeing past today and into tomorrow when I'll finally feel your embrace.
Maybe I'm not demanding enough, perhaps I say no way too often.
You just don't realize how down I am until I fall to my knees.
You said you love me as we lost ourselves in "Rich Sex".
I don't blame you, because sometimes the pussy is just that good.
I won't say sorry for the vulgarity of my words, because all you ever said mattered was that I was as real as the birds in the sky and the time that flies by when we're together.
The only one as of lately that I can see myself with.
The only one that gives me hope that maybe I can do this shit.
To know you really is to love you.
At least that's what I once heard.
They think that I lost my edge, as if I was ever soft for them.
Guaranteed to have my sweet revenge and you won't be laughing will ya.
Too strong to be broken down like the weak green you are always smoking.
I know my worth and simply won't die without the constant reminder of it.
You may not understand the heart and compassion that I bleed.
No blaming the blind for not seeing the issues that lead me.
Stop waiting on me to ruin your world.
Things won't change any more than the seasons will.
And lately it's been feeling awfully cold.
Kiss the man that I give my heart to and still I see you.
I dream of you.
Feel you with me even when I'm so alone in this world.
I pray good comes your way so I know I have a chance.
Cause if you can have it all i know I can find a piece something left behind.
You give me something that I've never had.
Love so bad I can barely stand....it.
Something new and irreplaceable.
But that's not what they were waiting for.
I reach my hand up to the stars.
And that's when I figure this is what dreams are made of.
Magical yet explosive.
My body is devoted to you.
I'm under your spell, and you gave me the potion.
I can't deny these feelings inside.
My body is your inspiration, and you love being inspired.
Your touch is barely there, but the things it does to me are hard to mimic.
Keeping my mind off darker days with old flames.
Keeping my heart satisfied.
And what we do is one of my greatest vices.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to ignite this sinking ship.
I wouldn't say I lost my voice I just found another outlet.
Well perhaps i did lose myself along the way.
Because I always lose myself to my vices.
Give me an inch and I'll cut it into two like it's nothing.
Show me the waters of torture and I'll drink them til there's no more.
They give me a chance, whomever they is, they that still believe, they that'll always have faith.
They give me a chance and watch me throw it away time and time again.
But isn't it getting old, tiring even?
Why should they keep watching as I crash and burn like a drunk driver?
Why would I continue down this path of self destruction?
It hurts having so much silence.
They don't understand that the dark days aren't just limited to the clouds and retreating of the sun.
How could they ever put the puzzle together and see the broken hearted girl.
With sad eyes, and a sexy demeanor.
She's fighting to keep her head above water as she drowns out the silence with her vices.
They expect that one day she'll give life to another.
Or that one day she'll find a world of happiness.
But she knows it'll always be one foot in front of the other, taking it day by day.
Merely existing to live every once and awhile.
Losing your balance.
It's like you're being sucked into a black hole.
Nothing else matters.
How can you sit there so calmly?
When the world is ending.
Never losing control.
The water washing away the reasons for my vices.
Those kisses give me something else to write here.
I'd be lying if I said that you were the one, and I'd be lying if I said I never thought about us.
Many days have gone by, and I try to keep them behind me.
Emotions seep through the cracks in my heart and I start drowning.
No one can hear my screams here, frankly because no one's around.
You see this is the part where I disappear.
Where the world goes on without me because I no longer exist.
I see my reflection and it's more me than you'd ever get to see.
Perfect scars decorate my body.
It all slips away with time.
That caress I once cherished.
That passion I helped kindle.
Letting you go wasn't even close to the hardest thing I've done.
The thing about this all, is I barely feel hurt anymore.
I've been given the chance to truly be alone.
I write because you exist.
Because you love and you let love go.
If it wasn't for you I'd be okay right now.
I'd be sailing with the summer breeze, and catching flight with birds, and forgetting all of my fears.
You smile in my face and tell me everything will be okay, but it won't will it?
At the end of the day I'll have to let you go.
Like the sky let's the stars fall and crumble.
It always comes to a screeching end doesn't it ?
I could never tell you apart from the imposters.
I never gave you enough credit to make you feel beautiful.
Got so caught up in the idea of perfection that your heart never received affection.
The dramatics, the soulless nature of your ways.
It all goes back to the grave.
There are somethings in life I'll cherish and never forget.
But others I can barely live with.
This potion gives strength to my devotion, but life gives me reason to keep on floating.
So I make my way towards the stars and the moon and the heaven and I settle right into that warm place near your heart.
And I hope we never drift apart, I hope we never drift apart.
Sitting here contemplating why the sky is blue and the ocean too.
Took her awhile to realize that we don't always have the answers.
Took her years to know that this is just what we do.
We chase love, fall for its tempting ways.
We chase security and sometimes fall short only to hit the ground.
Loving every minute of it the whole way down, they love every minute of the fall.
You see them in the club swaying to the sweet sound of their vices.
That's the anthem.
Falling only to feel the sweet pain of hitting the ground.
At least we know we're not dreaming, that life is real and we're fighting all the demons.
Keep striving for everything we can't feel, and everything we can't see.
Give it up to the man above and all those watching down on us.
We're here until we're not and that's what it's all about.
