Am I beautiful?  Does this beauty I have stand a chance. I'm not sure. I don't know how to see what I am. Will it last til eternity?  I'm not so sure. I see these beautiful women that win the attention of many..but I attract the attention of few. Itb meant something to me...to gain like..it meant that some of the population loved me. It meant that someone other than those who were supposed to liked me. I need reassurance from a unfamiliar voice. Does that make sense? Not saying nothing bad towards you...just saying...I'm just wondering am I beautiful?

I don't know.

I have no problem deleting people from my heart, from my mind, or even my soul. I grew cold at some point. I couldn't face it anymore. Words do not speak up to feelings ya know. However lies aren't what reside here. Its better known as fear that grips my heart. Fear to fall apart. Fear to look in your eyes and see despise or even worse. You see the truth is, is that the truth hurts. The truth is, is that it all hurts. Life wants me to do all these things at all these different moments and I just can't. I can't save myself from here. Self demise. Seeing my lofe slipping by. Holding onto happiness and watching it slip away. Time after time this happens you see. I can't hold a flame to happiness you see. Count pn others for that please...and you'll get let down by my lack of feeling.

That Moment.

It was once upon a time when a girl fell in love with a boy. She thought he was goofy, yet respectful, weird, yet incredible. He stole her heart and loved her like no one else, stood by her side day and night...

I wait for that moment to see you again. I see a white horse, my chariot awaits. You'll whisk me away to a secluded place,  where we can be ourselves, to never worry about a thing. You lock me into your  gentle gaze with such depth that i melt. A longing feeling to be touched by you. I breath you in as you pull me in closer, wrapping me in love, forgiveness, and a great feeling of fondness. I love you and you love me too. That's it, period. The only thing needed to be known here.

The End.

Nobody cares until it's too late

Here is my heart. Take it until it is no more. Want to see my soul, have it and treat it with cold hands. My breath is yours too, straight out of my chest, it goes to heal your wounds. My love is given with no avail. I receive something that hurts more than sensative teeth smashing into ice. The chill runs up and down my spine. I feel dumbfounded. I don't know what to believe anymore. What she told me or how you make me feel...

I tell all lies.

Did you find out the truth?
Behind my lies you finally see what it is that's real..
No words to speak, no patience to give me.
Trapped in my own misery, alone.
I sit here waiting like the usual motherfucker you see waiting.
Tapping my foot, looking at my rose gold watch.
Waiting on you is all I seem to do.
Might as well go work in a waiting room..
I never keep you though.
Always there when you call, always on time..
Giving you my all..and what happens next?
Society has you like a sex partner.
The world is awarded your attention, more than I..
No need for me to cry anymore, when shit goes to shit it's shit amd it can't get shittier anymore...I don't even know if that's true or not.
Writing this thing is the only thing that can keep me calm..
Keep me from blowing up your phone 15 more times.
I get tired of feeling this way.
No one else makes me feel this way.
It's not until you,, the truth that I slip into this unhappy state. With all the bitching, lies, and crys, shit, who could handle this. No wonder no one even bothers to answer anymore...no wonder why these text messages and phone calls die and grow old. I keep trying to find better ways to deal with myself. I'm losing all balance, losing all motivation cause this world is fucking hell. Not where I wanna be in anything aspect, yeah I feel good, right? Bullshit. I can't stand the shit on the daily that I have to put up with. People annoying me, fighting, crying about how bad it is. But there are people that wish that things were just bad and not impossible. I can't convert to what society wants. I have to be real and always walk my walk. Sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...sometimes you have to step out of place just to see where you are...

Something.

I want him to stay the night.
Me in his arms, knowing he cares.
My heart knows who it belongs to.
It beats the inside of my chest when it feels him near.
Senses heighten, butterflies soar, my mind goes to thoughts of exotic beaches and and tropical drinks.
It's unearthly the things he makes me desire; the places I want to go.
I see the world and him.
No one else even matters.
I'm at peace when I lay so gently in his arms.
I want him to know that I will never stop my love for him.

When people look down on you and all they can whisper are words of discouragement. Hurting me so deeply inside.
I can't help but never want to see the light.
To never want to crack a smile.
I love nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, feel as though I will never be nothing.
Slipping further and further away.
I need to get my hands on something solid.
Love, hope, reason, inspiration.
Tired of having this everyday life.
I want it to be beautiful. 
Like a still portrait that takes two months to perfect.
Let me find love in the darkest shadow.
Find hope in the greatest desolation.
Find care in every corner of my life.
Let it all find me, let me find it.

Here it is.

In the sadness I can't see clear.
Trying to find my happiness with very little to show for it.
God is great, God is good but I have to do the things I want to do.
You love someone you stick around.
Helping picking up the piece others chipped away.
I try crying, but I'm a dry well.
The lights are dimmed now.
Hard to see one foot in front of the other.
Lets keep it light and fluffy.
Eyes roll towards the sky, sleep taking over this soul.
Hands together I pray that one day I find my way to you again.

Sincerely,

The one who's missing

Well...

He gave me hope.
I looked into his brown eyes and saw a love that was decades old.
Sweet and poetic.
The kind of guy that would send chills down your spine and put butterflies in your stomach.
He was here again.

I like to keep it short and sweet.
No more bright eyes bushy tailed shit.
Things are so real now.
I see my world and it's out of grasps.
No one can break through this shell again.
I realized we both did a lot of opening up and letting all walls fall down, all to feel pain in it's ultimate form.
Never again will I willing feel this.
I will fight it til my last dying breath to not fall into love.
My judgement was lacking, and I felt the repercussions for that.
If anyone asks I was thrown into a fire to die. I'm wasting away.
And I get nothing to this day.
No one to hold my hand and tell me it's ok.
No one to give me a reason as to why I invested so much of my time in one person and then it was all thrown away.
You can say I have friends, but yet I spend my days alone.
You can say I'm successful, but yet it's not enough.
You can say I'm smart, yet I let my heart get thrown to wolves.
I can't say a damn thing anymore, all I can do is cry and have such bitter thoughts which only scorch the furthest reaches of my heart..
Thoughts which only fuck me over til someone else gets the chance..
You say I deserve the best..I am so beautiful..I'm so smart..we'll what the fuck does that matter if I'm all alone.?
If you're not here with me anymore..
Everything sucks...
My birthday is in three days, it means nothing. I can't celebrate being on this planet another year..because I spent that year with you. So I can only mourn this moment.
So thank you.
A toast: to bitterness, loneliness, abandonment, and a shitty year to come.
Here, Here.

The Realness.

Nothing can fill me up..
Glass half empty, never full..
I feel nothing..
I don't want to do anything..
I just want to lay in the darkness and stare off into space..
I'm slipping further and further away..
These smiles I put on are just good enough to keep people out my face..
I find my mind is so susceptible to obsess over certain things..
Repetition is comforting..
No strings attached is a must..
Because in this life, I've learned that no one can be trusted..
I can't even trust myself.

All this is it

He talked a sweet talk.
Told me what I wanted to hear.
I was there for him when I needed saving.
I always do that shit.
He told me how all he wanted was my body.
All he wanted was my passion and nothing else.
I always listen to this.
Start to contemplate my worth all because of him.
Looking for good vibes and good words from those who "love me unconditionally".
Silence is all there is.
Call me names, showing me how worthless I am.

boop beep bop boop

I had something to say and then my voice went away.
With each passing day I forget.
I lay down and let my sorrows slip away.
I wake up to a new day without you.
Judgmental figures pointing my way.
I slip back into sleep.
Hoping to wake up to something better one day.
I used to pray everyday for someone like you.
Then I realized my prayers hadn't been answered yet.
We get so focused on what we want to happen to us that we think it is happening.
Opening up my eyes I now see said truth from the lies.

Help me, I'm dying of Thirst.

Are you ready to jump?
I am.
Soar with the birds straight back to the land.
I sleep til I am born again.
Without the memories, or the hurt.
I lost so much in such a short season.
Guess that's why I'm always so alone.

Sometimes I wish you would get your life together and come win me back.
I love you dearly and I wanted things to work.
All the fighting, crying, and long nights of silence I was just trying to make it all work out.

But instead you're pushing me away with your anger, with your sadness.  But I'm angry and sad too. I trusted you with all that I had, gave everything you wanted and more. I can't help but think it was all for nothing because here I am broken hearted.

I want this season to end. I want things to feel ok again. I just want my heart back together again.

Dying, Someone is Killing Me.

You'll never touch these lips again.
This soft skin of mine has no business with you.
My smile will no longer be your means.
The light I hold is not to be shown onto you.
These tears I cry are not for you.
I mourn the destruction of mine.
I regret that I allowed you to bring me down so low.
Now I can't even get up.
I can't trust anyone..and those I do trust don't love me how you did.
They don't worry about my well being.
They use me for what I'm "good for".
They get mad at me..yelling..pushing me away.
And I'm so lost in it all.
What purpose do I hold but to be someones stress reliever.
To them I'm a fantasy.
Yet I'm living in hell. 

"When I was your man"

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger nowOur song on the radio but it don't sound the sameWhen our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your nameIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manMy pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish waysCaused a good strong woman like you to walk out my lifeNow I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…And it haunts me every time I close my eyesIt all just sounds like oooooh…Mmm, too young, too dumb to realizeThat I should have bought you flowersAnd held your handShould have gave you all my hoursWhen I had the chanceTake you to every party'Cause all you wanted to do was danceNow my baby's dancingBut she's dancing with another manAlthough it hurtsI'll be the first to say that I was wrongOh, I know I'm probably much too lateTo try and apologize for my mistakesBut I just want you to knowI hope he buys you flowersI hope he holds your handGive you all his hoursWhen he has the chanceTake you to every party'Cause I remember how much you loved to danceDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your manDo all the things I should have doneWhen I was your man

Song. Words he never said to me. The end.

Speak to me with such eloquence it drives me crazy. Straight to the soul I don't want your music to go away. Help me through tough times, get me to where I can feel ok. Running on adrenaline it's okay. Every now and then I think about where I'm going to end. Here lies such beauty, and I can't wait...

Seductive, you always kill it.
I wonder what it is you want out of life.
Your music brings to me so much.
I hear you in my dreams.
Finding the one is on your to do list, but you have to separate the good from the bad. The great from the decent and it must be so much work to put in...

Sex is what you want. I see it all from beginning to end. I can't blame you, there is so much out there to feel and experience. Just let loose and give into your first instinct. You'll get addicted to this shit first time in. No telling for how long you'll want to swim...

Desperately trying to get it, something you'll never have. Just to be on that high that you once had. You ask those around you for a taste of sin, to no avail. You know when you're happiest, so you don't stop, don't stop. You need that high again...

Love me, hate me. I don't give a fuck because that just aint me. It was one time, we shared something. And from that day it was all over. There on you claimed to love me more than life...

I see you looking so lost about what to do with what you got but I'm gonna show you. I love the way you move, you smell like raspberry and honeydew. Drives me insane thinking of you. I caress your thighs with such intensity you don't know what to do. A soft kiss sends chills down your spine. Everything feels brand new...

And it must be cause your hair flows like a silk robe. You are anything but basic. I know you have a lot of wants and needs but you're all I want and need so I'm pleased if you're pleased. A light kiss hello and I'm in heaven for weeks...

And here we are full circle again. Back to the same music I played back then. I promised that I would sing about you...

Let's get higher than life, you and me. I always tried to keep my record spot free but for you I'm willing to do a little dirty deed. What you bring out of me I can't descibe just yet, but I know my feet are no longer on the ground, I'm high baby...

I fight for you when anyone tries to step on my feet. When you let me make you mine that was it. No one can take you away, we'll be going til the very end baby...

I take you out just to see you put on those fancy clothes that you like. Hair done, face with make up, you're smiling from ear to ear. so much beauty why wouldn't I want to show you off. I love to see you dance, you sway from side to side and I'm totally hypnotized...

you never forgot where you came from. Throw up your hands to remind them. Things are so reminiscent...

You're so bad I don't know whether to spank you or kiss you. Even when you don't try you're so sexy. I don't think I could ever find someone so lovely...

You wont ever see tears trickle down my face unless they're followed by a broad smile. You bring light to my life. I can see so clearly. So I ask that you always stay with me. I love you til the very end, I must keep you near dear baby.

Have you been feeling better yet?
It'll come.
I'm not down playing our love but our hate was too strong.
Some say I'm caught up cause I can't stop talking about you but thats dumb.
I made a commitment to you and I loved you and I did so much for you but It was all for nothing.
I gave my heart and it was thrown back at me all crumbled. I don't know what love is to you but what it is for me doesn't involve that. I'm trying my best to move on but the nurturing side of me still lingers. But I did this for me. Because I wasn't happy. Because you were not what I needed you to be. So then it's done and other. You're sad, I'm sad and then it'll just brush over. You'll find your mind again and my heart will resurface. Maybe with a few holes in it but that wouldn't be the first time. I hope they are all right. I hope everything will get better in time.

Pain in it's purest form.

It's surprising how good I am.
I guess for me it had been over for a long time.
Probably when I wasn't able to cry for you anymore, just cry because of how you made me feel.
I was being tortured.
Hands around my throat, it's like I could no longer breathe.
My hopes, goals, and dreams seem to have diminished.
I don't know when I'll find myself again.
God knows I'm trying.

Just in a Phone Call...

He said to me that true love never fades.
I think to myself you don't know the tale I have to tell.
He said to me I never got the chance to speak my mind.
Well sometimes, there isn't enough time.
He says no matter what you'd be happy even when there are tragic times.
I say to him it hurt way too much, I lost myself, now it's nothing but soul searching and wondering what's next for me.
I explained with fail, my reasoning, my heart, my feelings, my revaluation, my all.
I gave it and you heard nothing.
For those forty minutes I was your wife and you didn't want me to leave.
But you lost me.

Whatever.

I find myself trying to fill a void.
In search of something to keep the darkness from coming into my life.
I let go of pain to find my happiness again.
I see things now that I wasn't able to see before.
It's just me here, like it's been for a long while.
Since before time.
Eyes wide shut no more.
Heart numb.
Soul torn.
Thinking too much, or not thinking enough.
I can't tell you that the sun will shine tomorrow. Or that this pain won't be forever.
I think life happened to us both and it was my time to fight back.
One day you'll find your fight.
One day you'll learn to love someone else.
I see the light pouring through the window like these tears pour from my heart.
My soul is washed out and I'm left alone in the dark.
This bed is empty where you once were.
I lay next to my only friend, buddy.
He can't hold me tight, he can't tell me everything is gonna be alright.
But I know it will.
I am meant to love and be loved and I won't ever let those words slip from my mind.
I sit in a corner on the floor at the end of the universe.
With a bottle, I'm intoxicated with pain.
I made the decision to trust, love, let in, and give....and it was all for nothing.
I was betrayed, abused, scared, alone, tricked, and hurt.
Now I'm all those things and more.
I might throw my dreams away, I might turn to the bottle every day.
But at least I made some type of decision for what I feel is right for me.
I had to let go of what was killing me because you we're taking my down a dark road.
You can piss your life away all you want but I won't do the same.
I see a million people a day getting through life, being fighters and that's what I want, those are the kinds of people I come from.

My final farewell...

I bid you farewell..
I say goodbye because I can no longer say it's alright.
I will be fine so there is no need to worry.
You will forever live in my heart..
whether it be for love or hatred you may not ever know.
I hope you take this last goodbye and realize I didn't just do this for me.
I had to let you go so not only I would grow, but so you would see the world for what it is.
It's not this dark scary place that you have familiarized yourself with.
But it is a chance to live, love, and let go.

I am now a river.
Free, let go to flow.
I will bring beauty to the world eternally.
I will never stop smiling.
I will never stop chasing after my dreams.
You helped me realize what I want and need.
I hope I showed you just how love can be.
Maybe one day we can come together again, but for now...
I bid you farewell.
For this slumber is much needed since my eyes have grown low...
So goodnight.
Don't hold on to me anymore.
I am a flightless bird.
No longer will I be caged and enraged by all the I'm sorry's and I tried.
I will fly the skies never to touch this sadness again.
So thank you for loving me enough to let me go.

I will always love you Gavin Armstrong.
Goodbye.

Do You Hear Me?

I'm a terrible person.
Trying to do it all but doing nothing at all.
I feel like I'm paddling in a boat with just one ore.
Forever going round and round all alone.
I've never been so dazed in my life.
Never been so hurt and low down.
I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
Life is really showing me what I've become.
Dreams turing into a nightmare.
One by one.
I'm doing the most but not getting it done.
I want out.
Outta a life where I can't win for losing,
Where I can't see the goodness.
I just want to give up...
I feel like I'm in trouble.
How do I get up?

Pulse.

Hours gone, but never forgotten.
Gasps of breath.
Lips searching for yours.
That feeling when you get out of control.
Touch a body that's never been touched, never been explored before.
Finding all the right spots in all the right places.
Forceful grab.
Intentional hair pull.
Bite on the neck.
Tasting love, fear, desire, and despair.
It's unheard of, what's going on here?
It's so new, sinful, amazing.
Wrestling my body underneath yours.
Welcoming you to the gateway to heaven.
Escapsing a personal hell.
Eyes see the inner skull.
Heart rate is going at it double time.
Moans of relief are soon to follow...
Then I have a thought...
Where did all the fear go?
When did passion and pain become better?
I listen to your final breath, our bodies are through for.
You memorize patterns of stars in the sky while I quietly wonder why...
You're gone.
Never turning back to say goodnight.
We all make mistakes right?
Thoughts of forgiveness already cloud my head.
I have to be stronger than this.
I taste it still...the passion, the fear, and the pain.
And it all tastes so good to me.

New.

I have this new view. On the sixth floor seeing things as though I haven't before. I think that one thought that life is too short. I go a floor higher. I think that we're all alone in this world, from start to finish. Now I'm on the top floor. No one can tell me what to do. I have my life, you have your own to do things to. I make my way up to the roof. Cold as ice, no one in sight. It's dark. At this point I've realized all that I have lost in life. There is nothing that can replace it. My heart is dripping out down back to Earth. I want to go with it. There's no point of return. I see the horizon. All the lights sparkle like jewels. My soul is in this city. I escaped here to find myself. Bury me where I stand. No heart. No soul. No life. I must go. Leave the rooftop back down to Earth. Where all is warm and comforting...or so I thought before. My dreams are so unachievable. Hope is lost. My mind is no more. I look down from the top only to see I am so deep in the ground. There is no more light. Nothing to look forward to. Empty. Lost. Gone.

First post, last post.

When this began it was all happy, it was grand.
Now rumbles is where we stand.
I love you dearly, I do.
And forever you will be in my heart where you belong, as I do in yours.
Onw day I decided I could love you forever.
I decided I was ready for whatever a real relationship was to bring.
I trusted you with everything.
I loved you in every way.
Making sacrifices, trying new things.
I began to change.
Now here I stand, not even close to who I was when I began.
I've toughened up, realized how real this love can be.
It's forever, because I can't stop loving thee.

Starting over from Coal.

I feel as though a chapter has closed and another has began. I want to see straight into your heart, see the love again. I think that time is passing by and I've been waiting...for the bliss, for the ring, for the house.

But I can't skip chapters of our life. We both have unfinished business to attend to before we can start our lives. I want to make sure things are pristine, otherwise our hands won't be clean.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. That I gave you pain. I don't know where my voice has gone because of it. I just kind of have to handle things as they happen. Let so much go.

I lost something that day. My fire was smothered.

I lost my heart, my mind, and my life.

Touched by an Angel.

Heaven sent you came to me. Doe eyed. Bright wide smile. Giving me life. A love I never thought of. I knew of love. Often one sided. More of a fixation on someone, because of bad attributes. Maybe because they felt I was a catch of some sort. I tell you now that you became my world day one. You became everything as though I had never won. I saw a side of you that could love me til the end. I saw a side of that was kind, loyal and serious about loving me. Here we are serval years aside. The love is still here, sometimes it comes in with the tides. But I learned of a different side one darker than the night. It torn me up inside. Now I have this secret that I cannot tell. Something I wouldn't even know who I could trust with. I want to make sure you get all the help you need. I never want to see you crying on your knees, begging God to take something from you he gifted you. I feel responsible, but at the same time I can't believe it. Everytime I think of it. It puts a little burning deep inside my heart. You compare your love for me to the woman you loved. And it hurts because I feel that I am fallimg short. I don't know where I went wrong this whole time, but I have definitely learned a powerful lesson. Hearts have feelings, and stones do not. Know the difference, know why you fought. Pray to Him and he will release the pain. Answer when He calls, not when you've just gone insane. I love, you love, you love.

The shift.

Something took place here that's unforgettable.
I witnessed a crime that nobody knew happened to you.
I realized you can't handle things the way I put them to you.
I realized you're a softer human being than we all knew.
I died again and again as I realized I was losing you.
Having to catch you only to have you slowly slip out of my grasp again.
It's torture to keep this secret from the world.
To have to watch you more closely.
To not send you flying as I sometimes can do.
I'll make my way to your heart again and never will I break it.
Never will I forsake it.
Never can I push you away because that wouldn't be true.

Different Colored Eyes.

Please see me for who I am.
Looking into my soul with quiet eyes.
You see the truth, the sadness, the abuse.
The story is told ...
We sometimes take advantage of love and faith.
Thinking it will never go astray.
I pray for thee, to no longer forsake my love.
Don't take it away.
It wasn't written that it was limited, but it hurts for it to just be taken away.
We took time to get this way and it'll take us time to recuperate.
Stay by my side he said, I need you for life as well as love.
He said to her he realized his ways.
That's when he knew he had to take it all away.
The story ends with a kiss of redemption.
Bringing along a love that was once known.

My soul.

My heart, gone.
My soul, shaken to the core.

I loved someone, but that love turned cold.
Left alone, broken.

Crying til I can't no more.
Screaming because I was left.

What can right these wrong?
What will make us strong?

Stay.
Leeave.
Change your life.

Realize there is nothing wrong with sayimg it's ok.

Short.

My love, what will bring me back to you?
What words will bring me back into your heart?
I wonder why we've grown so far apart..
My heart no longer aches the same way it did when this first begun.
Take me from this place..I can't see where I'm going cause it's so dark...

Try as you might.

Make me take back everything I said. Without a doubt, this is your promise. To me. You'll see me through. To the end, even if defeat.

I stand alone. Head hung in sorrow. Heart breaking away. Little by little you watch me slip away. Where I go, who will know but for many days. It is too much to say, it is too much to feel. But I know the end is near.
There will soon be a day I hardly shead a tear. Cause why bother. Through these four walls my cries aren't heard. My pain isn't felt. My mind is swirled.

I look into a mirror, but there is no reflection.
I guess I finally lost me. 

You're mine forever and more.

everything happens for a reason..the seasons the birds singing.

My love for you is eternal..through distance, space and time my heart makes it way to you.

My soul has found it's life partner. To have, to hold, to cherish forever and more.

I could never even love another, the way I do you.

I hope you know that I appreciate you. I am so grateful for your return to me so faithfully.

You're sights are locked on to me. And I hope they stay there til our last days go.

When you find someone you know is true. No matter what always hold on...

No matter what always hold on...

No matter what I'll always hold on to you.

I Have A Little Light

Today I lost myself..
Like I seem to do every day..
Life won and I seemed to dwindle away..
My mood, my love, my hope...it has all turned grey.
I've wasted away...
Yet again letting myself down and the ones who love me.

Whenever life happens I run away..
Scared of success, scared of failure.
I'm rotting away..
I'm taking you down in this dead black grave.

When will I save me.
When will I see myself for what greatness I often forsake..
I need to practice what I preach..
I need to motivate me.
I want to be a success at this life I was blessed to see,
For 19 years now I have been here.
But I need to seize it, before it goes away.

I love you.
I love me.
I love life.

Today Marks the Greatest Sorrow

I find myself in my dark place.

Scratches and aches to show my stay.

I'm engulfed by four walls that invite in darkness.

I drink away my sorrows.

The golden brown liquid barely helps me forget anymore.

That my heart was wretched from my chest this afternoon. 

I can't help but think about how good of a girl I have been.

Saving the world and all, but what do I win?

Sadness, this dark cold existence where I reside.

Between four walls that are sucking out my life.

I try to breath but all of a sudden I'm in water. 

My lungs are filling up.

My heart is left to crumble.

When will this pain go away...?

H e L o v e s M e.

I have found strength in my relationship.
It makes me stronger every day.
I'm beginning to see how this love thing is suppose to go.
And I like it.
You make me feel so safe, when I'm wrapped in your arms...so close to your heart.
I hope to always be there.

I love you.
And no matter what we go through, what I do or say, what you do or say,
that love will always be right here, in my heart.
When you asked me to be in a relationship with you..
it wasn't just to be your girlfriend, but your lover, soulmate,
other half, best friend, secret keeper, ultimately your everything.
Because that's what you became for me.
And I could not have been more blessed than to have found that
 in such an unstable, soul-seeking chapter of my life.
How many people are lucky enough to have someone by their side
at such a difficult stage in life?

I know you, the real you.
You know me, demons, flaws, and all.
And we still love one another as though we're perfect.
I want you to be at your best in life.
I want you to fulfill all your dreams and ambitions.
I want to see you free yourself from anything that's holding you back from what you want.
I love you.

I feel your love when I witness love in other places.
Whether it's a dog and his owner.
A man and his child.
A man and a woman.
A house filled with kids.
Anything that symbolizes love, symbolizes you.
And I want you to know that and feel that, even if I don't always say it.

I love you Gavin Armstrong.


  

Why?

He tries.
I cry.
We try because we don't want to die.
See the reality and focus.
It's here and it's controlling.
I want to forget.
But forgetting is not an option.
You see my face and where's the love?
We've come so far but what do we have to show?
They're poisoning us.
It hurts so much.
They have all control.
And we have hope.
I'm tiref of us not being able to go as far as we'd like.
I'm tired of not being happy.
Tired of not seeing the light.

Whatever.

My words mean little.
They don't influence..or change the world any day.
I cry and scream.
But it always goes unheard.
What will catch your eye?
What will make you realize?
I try.
I pray.
Hold onto hope everyday.
But you don't believe.
My voice has no strength.
My words have no meaning.

She tries.

They aren't satisfied with themselves.
The way they walk, talk, or wear their hair.
Envied by all.
She creeps into the ears of others.
Dropping unsettling comments which reach the soul.
I wonder why her cry is so renounced.
What have those eyes seen that she cannot speak about.
Her lips have touched those that she wasn't suppose to.
It all come crashing down.
The pain, inside.
She wonders why now...she's misunderstood.
Her cries are taken for something other than the intent.
She muffles them into her pillow.
Tears fused with pillow.
No longer can she breath.
No longer can she be...alive.

Story of his life.

He was a drinker.
A man of many phrases and insults.
Ignorance keeps him from bliss.
He thinks solely of him.
But what about his wife, what about the kids.
Now he's living the struggle, now he can't even provide.
He tells his tales in search of redemption.
Forgiveness from a God he says is the only one.
Pushes his beliefs down the throats of others.
This Is not the Christian way God spoke up.
Swear to not care..but you stop talking to me for weeks on end.
Who's the child again?
Your wife leaves..again..and you're left with an empty house again.
Lonely nights, painful cries.
Potential to die alone, where's the hope?
Keep telling yourself that God will heal it all.
Truth is you have to take care of it all.
Maybe God will give you faith, which will result in strength.
But don't think that there is some miraculous healing power that will vanquish the pain.
Science is the only answer, medicine is the only answer to this question.
It's the things that you can't find answers for that you leave up to God.
Like why would you lie to yourself and family, purposely lie to everyone and put them in this brutal situation.
He was a drinker.
Maybe it started as a social thing and then became a breakfast drink.
Maybe self esteem was low and it got out of control.
Realize that your choice hurt me so.
They were the reason I was raised without a father..
The reason why love seems to have it's limits..
Realize you're hurting more than just you...
There's more than just you.
You chose the bottle over a family.
You chose the bottle over me.
But yet you can get your second shot.
Waltz back into my life..
I had hopes that it would make me feel more complete but it just puzzles me.
Why did things play out this way?

Let's Get Deep.

We worry about what's to come tomorrow..but I'm not even ready for today.
We get sad because we meet people we can talk to for hours, but we fall for someone who simply can't.
It can't be shallow..
I need it to be the depth of the ocean always.
Give me a feeling, such a high that I'm left dumbfounded.
If I could combine the different peoples I've met into the perfect individual It'd be bliss.
I fear that one day we'll run out of things to say..
We'll live silent lives.
We'll be done with conversation by the time we're twenty-five.
It troubles me..
Because it can't be shallow..
I need depth.
I need depth.

The End.

You all just make me want to sin.
I have nothing.
I have nothing.
I have nothing.
I keep trying to illustrate that what I have is nothing, because without certain pieces, I'm an incomplete puzzle.
No one knows my life.
No one knows my struggle.
No one knows this mind.
I have the mind of a mad man.
Just waiting to flip a table or throw a chair through a window.
My sorrow turned to pain.
My pain turned to anger.
My anger turned to hate.
Not just for you, but some for me as well.
I am alone.
I am alone.
I don't want to be alone.
They can't see the signs.
The desperate cries for attention.
Save me from myself.
Save me from this hell.
Save me from disappearing.
I have a tale to tell, but they're not hearing it.
They aren't ready for what's in store for them.
I try.
I try.
I try so hard.
Kick and scream and holler.
My voice is just a hollow thing.
I am me.
I am me.
I am me.
But is it even who I want to be.
Sometimes I wish I was her.
Perfect features.
Nothing to cry over, no?
We all have our secrets.
We all have our lives.
We all have our stories.
But I don't know hers.
She comes from a troubled past.
Where there wasn't a shed of light anywhere.
That's why she's silent.
That's why I know.
That's why she can't grow.
Unfinished business makes the heart burn slow.
All of it.
Sucking the life, like a mosquito does blood.
No life, no soul.
I guess this is the end for me, no?

Song of My Life

All that's real to me is Marilyn and Jesus..

Jumping off of bridges, sparklers and streamers honey..

I wanna fly
I wanna fly
I wanna flyyyyyy

I can't be with the man I love..
I can't be if he treats me rough..

I can't see him..
I can't call him up..

-LDR

I'm dying. Retarded.

How is it I can make you happy but I can't make the person that brought me into this world happy? How can you love me...when she can't? How can I bring you so much joy over such a short period when I've known her for 19yrs? Why is this? What's so bad about me?

Why does everything happen...?

We take some steps backwards, working on going forward. Life happens, love happens..then it's over. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've cried and tried. You don't seem to realize that my love isn't a lie. I have things I need to work on, I know. But I don't want you to go. I beg, cry, hit rock bottom head on. I don't know if there is effort left in me..I don't know if my heart will still be pumping. You talk about death and all his friends but I'm here to keep you from them. I'm your greatest strength but then I'm your instant demise. I build you up, to break you down. I love you completely, to hate you at times. But that's what it's about, is it not? Take the good with the bad..and wonder why. It's okay to cry. But I don't want you to die. I don't want you to rot away in such misery. You still don't realize that your pain is mine. Your thoughts of suicide. Your desperate cry. We'll figure out why everything happens though. 

A toast.

You've given me something I've never experienced in life before. A love, a confidence, a fight that's so passionate it's unheard of. I want to be with you always. That's why I stick around. In hopes that one day we'll get it down. We both have a lot to learn about one another and much growing to do. But I'll say by your side if you stay by mine, I know your love is true. Even hundreds of miles away I can feel the love. I can't always understand it, but in time I think that'll come. Life is so sweet when your with me yet miserable when you're not. I'm willing to go through the pain if it means I'll get what I want. And that's you and all the love you have deep inside. I love you always, so keep on smiling wide. I'll do good by you, if you do good by me. We'll figure things out and be so happy. The beginning of a new life, love, and happiness. The end of a fight that keeps us from this. Cheers.

Try Again.

Here we go.
On it again.
Different problem, yet it's always the same solution.
When will you see the error in your trials and just try again.
I see it as though I'm not even apart of this.
I see the hurt, mistakes, and you contemplate.
But there is only one answer to the problem.
Love.
Give me unconditional love and everything will be okay.
Tell me you can't live a day without me, can't stop thinkin bout me.
I drive you crazy but you wouldn't ever ask to be sane.
I love you with all I've got babe.
Whenever we lack that health of our relationship or peace we still find a way.
I do what I do because I want to move foward to something great.
Show you how this love can be.
Show you that I'm not me if you're not there to complete me.
I hope you can see...just how much you mean to me.

I can't breathe.

As I cry myself to sleep let it be known that I'm all alone. No one hears these gasp for help. No one wipes my tears. It's just me and my demons here. Eyes tearing me apart. Crossing lines that haven't even been drawn. I see nothing but stone cold darkness.

I can't even be happy.
No one allows for it.
And you can't even say "you can be happy when you want to be happy, it's your decision" that's bullshit because in order for that to happen I'd have to stop caring. And if I stop caring I'll be alone.
So I have to wait around for people to come to me first, wait til they come around and want to make me happy.
You're never just a phone call away, you're fifty texts, a missed call, twenty more texts, and then a call.
You're never just a drive down the street your 246 miles away, and even then you're gone.
Who's here with me, cause I feel nothing.
I don't even know why I think things will ever turn out nice for me, because those closest to me won't let that happen.
Awe f it.

We did it.

Hours and hours of mind numbing work..and the goal has been met. Everything is in order again. I feel that life is just now coming into focus. I can faintly make out what this life will be, but at the same time I have no idea. I'm glad to have my independence and solidarity, but what is still before me is unimaginable. Not that it's terrible..not that it's too good to believe..but that it's simply unknown. Tonight I lay me down to sleep, with thoughts of future victory. I'm gaining confidence everyday, that I will find a way. Someone sees success in me, someone sees the best in me. That someone is me!

Start.

Like a stopwatch takes off..here we go. Hurting, disagreeing, making no amends. If anything I'm sick of your uncanny way of going to bed. I like to know were on the same page, that we've gone to bed with smiles on our face. I want a new beginning, an agreement to succeed, but, now I actually want to succeed. I want for us to get past the little things , but honestly I want you to think of the little things. That's my plead for insanity. You don't think of me. You don't show me that you do.. not like you really should. I go through hell sometimes. And what keeps me grounded is that moment when I'll finally be able to hear your voice or see your face. but something drowns out that velvety voice or blocks your angelic face. Always. Always. Always. Can't I get what I want?

Even Super Woman...

Put up a brave front.
Kept a strong stance in the face of danger.
I feel like I'm taking on the world, yet leaving it behind.
Love has me feeling like I'm losing something, I wanna feel nothing inside.
But I feel it all..I can't be strong like you.
Let it all out. Remember the good times, remember the bad. Remember that I love you and don't look sad. No matter what I'll always believe in you. No matter what I'll always love you. We are stronger together than when we are apart. But my independence is calling me, and I can't ignore it's cries. Sure you understand the reasons for this all. &Sure I'll understand.

He Gives Me The Best Memories.

I can't even tell you half the things we sit and talk about. But it's always evident how much we care. I love when he's near me, and that he wants to be there. I know that one day we'll always be together. But today isn't it. He goes back to his life and I to mine. Yet we're in love. I miss him deeply when we're both away. It pains me, but at least I know some good will come from it one day. What we have isn't easy, it isn't just possible by anybody. Were obessed with one another. But able to let go. Let each other grow. Times get rough, but we can't run away from it yet. We have to see to it that the best memories are made and kept.

Now until forever you hear

Life. Love. Passion. Lust. Desire.
Stuff that's like woah. My thoughts are beyond crazy, but it's entertainment no? I can't ever make a decision. Left or right? Black or white? I don't know. So I roll with the punches and do what I know. Love what I like. Seek who I know. I'm here for you, as you are for me. I seek the day you'll marry me. I'll say vows that'll make you shed tears. I love you. I want to be with you. There's some things we need to do to find the glue and fix things, true. I cried a few times because I miss things. I gave you all that you ever asked for and now it's been put to shame and forgotten. We let someone ruin what we have and now we're both just ashamed. When will clarity hit..when will normal life return? I loved you then I can love you now don't you know? I'll love you forever until we grow old...I'll love you forever until we grow old.

-Sigh-

I've had one love for the greater part of my life.
Someone that has stood by my side, accepted me, forgiven me, loved me.
There some time comes times when bad things happen and forever change your life.
Some will float and survive, others will sink and die.
 I'd like to think that we'd survive this to reach our goals and dreams.
  However trust is a hard thing to gain back, security is a hard thing to live without.
   Even though you are doing your all to right your wrongs...will it suffice?
    Will you ever convince me that you don't want to hurt me, that you do care about my heart?
     Our whole lives have consisted of proving this and that to one another.
       Reassuring the other to not give up.
         But here we are at the same time doubting everything, being unable to reassure the other completely.
           Am I strong enough, for any of the things life has to offer me?
             I hoped and prayed for all of these things and now I don't even know...
               How sad and disappointing everything seems to me.
                 Wherever is the light that will see me through?
                     Will my heart return?
                        Will life return?
                           Will it?
                              End.

Inspired by the Great K.DOT

Promise that you will sing about me.

Promise that you will sing about me. 

   

I said when the lights shut off and

its my turn to settle down, my main concern.

Promise that you will sing about me.

Promise that you will sing about me.

I hope not all is forgotten, when I turned away from you.

My love is still there for you, though it may be hidden.

You know I was there for you, wished good shit on you.

Now I'm here in defeat.

Kicking rocks in the street, my heart was forgotten.   

Hitting my head on a wall, my life falls to hell.

Talking about a place that no one wants to be apart of.

Talking about a place that makes you want to fall apart.

Yeah, you've broke my heart probably for the last time.

But I remember our first kiss, that necklace I wore like my own skin.

How can all that be gone to shit.

I can't breathe now, I've lost it.

End.

We're All We Need.

I forgave you for a lot.

My heart has found some release...finally it's as though I can see, I can breathe. 

I made the decision to let go and move forward.

Because if we're in this for the long haul we're going to have more important things to worry about than rings and dinners.

We're looking to build a lifetime, where we'll hopefully get to bring life into this world and fulfill all our dreams while by each others side.

Life has this "Here I Come!" ring to it.

It doesn't seem to stop for anyone. 

But we can handle it. 

All we need is patience, love, and trust. 

It's Life and Death.

I have this theory that every time a person dies an angel is born.
That every time a person dies someone here on Earth is born.

I want to believe that we die after purpose.
That we're returned to nonexistence because we fulfilled our purpose.

It's not such a dark, dreary thought.
Death is a gift.
That we are finally through with having to try, and wonder why.
It's when we'll receive all our answers.

That's what I believe.

What do you believe in?

Change the Same.

No bone in my body likes the look of change.
Whether good or bad, I can never recognize it's initial intentions.
It makes me think of sad endings.
In my eyes it is viewed as threat.
Because once initiated there is really no stopping it.
It runs it's vile course with pristine tunnel vision.
Paying no mind to those around it.
It is a change that is destined to affect my life.
It's not even a change that is mine or pertaining to me.
But it will still do so.
Change will affect us all.

Me + You and the 7 Wonders of the World.

Maybe we were born for each other.

Knew each other in a previous life.

I feel like you were my protector.

Not just there to watch over me..but there at my rescue with a sword and shield.

Ready to shed blood or tears when necessary.

Unlike most you were always there when needed.

Your protection gave me something to think about.

Something bigger in myself to believe in.

I realized I would always need to be a part of your life.

However big or small.

You needed me just as much as I needed you.

I was something different, something unheard of to you.

I made you laugh and smile, I gave you a reason to life as you said. 

I recollect the events of our life together and try to gather where things will go next.

I'm no physic but our journey will take us somewhere love can only find.

To the beautiful sights of the seven wonders of the world...through the immense emotions of future tragedies...love conquers all.

Devotion...loyalty...and effort conquer all.  

In The Beginning.

      Time only passes by to remind me how I am getting older and how life is starting to want more from me. I was a girl with plans, with dreams, hopes, many desires. I wanted it all, but the fact that the efforts I had put forth thus far were not enough, were devastating. But how was I to know...because this is just the beginning. It's not the end. We all grow up with the biggest ambitions and in the end, for some of us, we have little to show. We settle for the first thing that comes along just so we won't be a "party of one" or will be able to "put food on the table". Sometimes it comes to this. However, it doesn't have to be that way always. That doesn't mark the end of a story. We as writers, as creators, as humans have the ability to define our lives to the very last detail. Whether we want to be happy all the time at the little joys of life or down because we're not rich and famous. We chose how we feel about life and love...we chose who we want to be.