Her Love, Her Energy.

For awhile now I've noticed that this love I have isn't fleeting.

It's in my heart, ever present and all knowing.

Warming the darkest part of my soul.

I look for you in others, you whom I love.

You whom I've always wanted.

That unrequited love captures me.

It flows from one energy to the next it has no means, it knows no bounds.

So I search until I no longer can.

When there's no more sun, and not another night to look forward to.

I search even though you've hurt me so.

I'll continue the search.

What I Really Want.

Ejected from my soul.
You were designed to be a memory.
A sweet one I was destined to smile back on when I was eighty.
But they can't take it away from me.
They can't remake these feelings and desires.
Looking up at a shard of the moon in the sky.
I think of "you".
The one I was created for.
I hope they make them like you in my heaven.
I hope this wish will come true.
That you don't die before our time.
That we'll make our dreams come true.
I hope I'm not alone forever.
I hope someone can love me for me.
I hope that you'll hold my hand the whole way there.

We love honesty.

I feel so lucky to have you.
Kissing your lips so tenderly.
Then you slip away.
Like smoke into the winds.
You vanish.
All that lingers is your touch.
Emotions well up inside and then I feel you there.
Right at home where you belong.
In my heart.
Constantly capturing my soul.
Maybe I love the concept of loving someone.
Maybe I don't even really know what it means to love.
Maybe I'll watch over you until I can't anymore.
This tortured consumption coming over me is self made and you inspired it.
We're the culprits in the perfect crime.
Tell me, is it okay to love you so?

She walks.

You can forget that look she gives so easily.
No heart, no attachment.
The feelings she had are no more.
Too many times was she burned but the fires of your ignorance.
This is why she runs.
Trying to find her own ground that'll catch her when she falls.
You can't handle the storm that is my mind, the gravity of my feelings, the devotion that my heart has sworn.
So I let it all drift away to a sea of regret.
The time wasted, the memories created, the desires provoked are no more.
It's back to black.

She's why I do it.

She had my heart.

I loved her. 

It stopped at nothing. 

I would often lost myself in her.  

Her sweet touch gave me everything I was missing in the world.
The thought.
The realness.
I could never get through this alone.
They wonder what my inspiration is, who is my muse, why I keep doing this.
It's all for her and this throne.
She put me on, I got her off.
I often times left her for my art, my soul, my music.
She asked me if I would always be a writer, write until the day I die.
I let her know it's something I can't control, it must come out.
She understood that money, fame, and fortune wasn't the goal.
That even if we took over the world it was always for this art.
It gave my soul much purpose, and to her that was everything.
It's not easy explaining your gift to another soul.
It doesn't always make sense to even try.
But when you want them to get a sense of you, you have to be true to them. 

Follow your dreams that are hopefully your goals and make a life for yourself. 

Just a Little Bit.

Time will tell the tales no one else can.
Even when it isn't said, it is done.
My love and affection, the sparkles in my eyes, the motivation to be more wise.
All of that slips away once I realize that there is a lack of something.
So you want to save me, you want to see me do better, you want happiness to rain down on my world.
I must be honest when I say this, I cannot be that girl.
I won't be the one you leave out in the cold.
You won't see me saving the world.
I am here for me and my myself only.
Isn't that the one constant theme here.
How they make ME feel..
Will they ever give ME this..
Can I ever be that.
The world WILL stop turning if I say it does.
Life WONT ever be more than what it is than it is to me.
Just remember that no one can control you.

And Then There Was You.

If you love two at once, choose the second, because if you really loved the first you never would have loved again.

If you look deep into their eyes and feel a flutter, a small panic then maybe it was meant to be.

Whether you stay or flee true love will always exist.

It'll be out there in the universe strumming up something passionate into existence.

Wondering when to take your hand. If it'll ever truly be the right time.

Dark Matter.

My darkness might be my happiness.

So why are you so bright?

Why must you shine a light to all the shit that makes me thrive?

Good or bad, temporary or forever.

Live or die, God knows I try.

I strive for just short of perfection, live in between the lines in that little grey section. 

The darkness gave me purpose when there was none and at the same time took it all away.

Highs and lows.

Day and night.

Nothing was ever promised, but yet everything was in balance.

She knew the rhythm and blues, she created the black and the white.

Empty bottles lined the walls, empty shallow thoughts made her war go on. 

No one knew her soul was created from darkness.

That her life meant so little in the grand scheme of it all.

She was blessed with this heart that would ache for all eternity.

The most beautiful thing from it all.

If God gave her nothing else at least she had her song.

Her mind was easily distracted with all the pretty little things.

Who could blame her for feeling such pain/?

But who would ever love someone lost in the darkness?

Janine Got Me.

There's no good part that follows. 

No way to say that all of this meant something. 

Losing you when you were all I had. 

Truly it makes me sad. 

I will hold on to this pain for eternity. 

If it means I'll never feel my heart break again. 

Oh how you discourage me from ever loving again. 

Deep inside my heart, I know all about you. 

I'm lost without you. 

Carry me away to a gentle safe place where all that mattered was me in your embrace. 

Take my soul if it means you'll reach your happy place. 

I can barely stand the heart break. 

No one ever warns you that it's going to feel this way. 

All alone in a sea of pain. 

No way to feel grounded again. 

The Art in Nothing.

Art is whatever. 
I can sit and stare at nothing, but if that nothing gives me a sense of being…if that nothing is giving me everything I wish I ever had in my life..it’s a masterpiece to me. 

My heart doesn’t yearn the same way yours does. My fulfillment doesn’t come from money or possessions. 

Everything that has ever meant a thing to me is something the eye cannot see. 

That nothing is the love in between the sheets, it’s the tears that I shed when no one’s around, and it’s the people that are the hydrogen to my oxygen. 

That’s why nothing is so beautiful to me. Because feelings are nothing, but then they are everything.

That 2:05 Real.

Give me the canvas and I'll owe it. 

I'll put my heart and soul on it. 

Make gods of gods fall in awe. 

Give me your heart and I'll lose ground. 

I won't know what to do with it. 

I can't make this work at all. 

When lacking appeal lead to not giving a fuck. 

You were there for all of it. 

Watching me laugh and cry like a baby. 

Holding my hand when times were a little scary. 

But you are the fear now. 

The one I aim to steer clear of.

Because I won't be the one to end your life. 

I can't be apart of that at all. 

I'm barely hanging on to reality. 

You shouldn't even have a want from me. 

Trust me when I say I know a thing or two about limits. 

And baby were walking on thin lines. 

Isn't it strange that I said I'd never fall. 

Doesn't it make you wonder why my heart won't ever thaw. 

You believe what you want. 

That I'm perfect. 

That my beautiful is worth it. 

But I'm far from what you deserve. 

Just because you aren't right for me doesn't mean you're never going to find another. 

Apologies will only get you so far. 

Craziness will end it all. 

But fate will take us to the places we so belong. 

And then you'll just embrace it. 

Then you'll be clear to fall and thaw as needed. 

The Girl In A Sea of Regret.

One day your on top of the world, as happy as can be. 

Ready to take it on and anything that comes your way. 

But then all of a sudden you're hitting rock bottom. 

You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

You wonder why they aren't there for you. 

When you hear the word "happiness" your heart breaks a little, the earth quakes a little. 

Because that's something you don't know best. 

When your all alone you wonder. 

When they walk away you wonder. 

When they tell you they want you, you keep on wondering. 

Because it's all too much. 

You feed the vices for a living. 

You run around giving all your time, yet a lack of devotion. 

And one day it'll amount to stories.

Things you never thought you'd be apart of. 

You can't stay the night. 

You won't call back. 

You could never be the right girl, on the right night. 

Living in a sea of regret was the girl who lived without them. 

She was a girl who lived without a lot. 

The White, The Black, The In Between.

I can't think of many things she couldn't do.
She'd rule the world if wasn't for you.
She'd take all that life has to offer.
As you stunt her growth.
End her every time.
What are you really trying to accomplish.
She'll never love you like you want her to.
She'll try to forget the crimes committed against her, but she holds on tight when life gets to be overbearing.
If it ever did slip away she picked it right back up, cutting into it with such an intensity.
No sins were ever washed away no matter how hard she tried.
And boy did she try.
She tried to fill the void.
To distract herself.
To give herself the chance to live since she's so dead inside.
Now is when I say it wasn't enough, that she ran out of chances to get it right.
But that isn't true, because this isn't the end, but the beginning to the rest of her life.
At least the beginning to finding herself.

We All Have It, We Are All Doomed.

I found myself slipping because I thought I had lost you.
But I had found my voice, and my courage and my strength.
And sometimes people don't always like those things.
You just don't understand yet, the complexities that are me.
Love doesn't always let you see the truth.
A lost soul with a bit of temper.
One who has seen it all, yet still stares at nothing.
It began at a young age, the ache in my heart, the dead in my eyes.
All because of love, love will get you every time.
Dedicate your time and loyalty into the people who are always going to hurt you the most.
Watch as they slip  away from your life and your memory.
You can't hold on to them forever no matter how hard you try.
And that's okay, because it's all apart of life.
People expect that you'll be just fine, but why don't they suspect that it takes more time.
That sometimes you can hurt for a lifetime, because your heart was broken so many times.
All the clichés, and they go on and on, spinning through time like a whirlwind.
It's not that easy they realized, it's not as easy as it was the last time.
So we let time slip away, at times we're running even.
Blushed cheeks and heavy breath won't keep us at bay.
From the infectious entity known as love.  

It's Real: When the Good Fights to Triumph the Bad.

We can't all be broken they told me. 

We can't all cry the cries that belong to all the stars in the skies. 

We can't all wash away our fears with a bottle of whiskey and still try. 

We can't all make it. 

So we fake it. 

Cause everything's gonna be alright. 

What's the use in worrying on things that weren't ever meant to be. 

So let go and dance it out. 

Release the pain and the anger..the sinful thoughts that keep you at all hours of the night. 

Don't think, just do. 

Just be, just love as you can only love me. 

Forgive the "forgotten" and embrace those in front of you. 

You're not alone,

You are not alone. 

This day was meant for you to be strong. 

 

Well...

It brings me great joy, to see you doubt me. 

To prove you wrong every time I wake up for another day. 

It cuts deep, but not too much. 

Just enough to ensure I'll be able to make a difference. 

Whether I'm someone's world, or just their demise at least I'm something. 

I just wanted to be there, I just wanted you near. 

Here I stand, all of me, but I'm just enough for everyone else but you. 

The truth cuts deep. 

You walk away, and return. 

I love you, but I can't let it show. 

The suns a little bright, the clouds' a little whiter, and all I can do I wish you well. 

Without realizing, you became the biggest thing in my life. 

Without even thinking you became that something I tried but will never have again. 

It's hard when you've met someone whose been through the struggle, but you gotta let go..because they belong to another. 

I'll always remember you, I'll always know you....I can only hope. 

Goodbye for now....

That's all they were waiting for..

For me to let you go, maybe that's all I was waiting for.  

Because the more I can push you away, the more I'm okay. 

Sorry for the selfish ways...but I've gotta do this for my future place...for all that I want to be...for all that I need to discover that will shape me into a better me. 

The good and the bad, I'll take it all...

In hopes of being a better present me than in the past...

It's all in hopes of being better than I was today. 

The Inner Workings of My Soul.

When you love someone..

You embrace the person that you want to be. 

You let go of who you aren't. 

You truly start to see the world in all its colorful glory. 

Feel the warmth of all the living things the Earth fosters. 

Your mind's in harmony as your awareness strengthens. 

Your soul is taken away. 

Just to be lifted up to a higher state. Innocently feeling the wind beneath your feet and the water on your face. 

Care is no more. 

Hope and faith. 

Laughter that results in tears. 

Happiness is near. 

It's love my dear. 

To See With Closed Eyes.

As time melts away. 

As we forget what we once stood for. 

As we lose our faith. 

As we wave goodbye...

We die inside. 

We realize that time was never ours but it was simply borrowed. 

That today is never truly forgotten. 

That someone, somewhere always holds on to a piece in their heart. 

You'll figure it out. 

You'll reach the finish line. 

You'll love again. 

You'll learn and break again. 

You'll see the world and watch it crumble when the skies go to night baby. 

Build me up, and break me down. 

But never catch me when I fall. 

Let me lose myself so I can be found. 

Let me lose myself even though I may hit the ground. 

Let me lose myself. 

Like a Breath of Fresh Air.

If he was the sun she was the atmosphere, ever engulfing and all loving.

 

She embraced his every woe, tending to needs she'll never ever know. 

She watched upon the world, passing along shooting stars to those who needed hope, needed something to shine light in dark places. 

They'll never know where her love could have taken them. 

Won't even know half its capacity, but that's okay though. 

Because each and every day she sees the Sun she holds onto those moments, knowing that night will come her way. 

Always needing shooting stars to ease the pain.

Always needing someone in her graces, to catch as she falls. 

 

I've Got A Friend In You.

I'm never alone when I have you. 

Our friendship is one for the books. 

In ancient times, down for the record. 

You and I. 

We are separated by distance and time.

But every time we pick up where we left off and that's what I love most.

I learned that it's not easy having people in your life for the long haul. 

I learned that the things in life that are often time not easy, are the things we need the most. 

Control. 

Respect. 

Care. 

Maybe those things aren't easy. 

But maybe just maybe life isn't easy. 

But I've got my friends. 

Pain and Remorse.

It's what keeps me in the bathtub, singing those sad songs.
Drowning my issues.
Bringing my existence to the surface.
Walking around with this pain that everyone never seems to notice.
Challenge yourself, ask me if I'm happy, ask me if I love this life I'm leading.
I say to you that I'm hurt, but you hear nothing.
I say I love you, but no words come out.
I always made life easier for you.
Here I am left behind in a world of stress and complication.
It's like I'm waiting for someone that never planned to be apart of my misery in the first place.
Some may think I'm crazy for this, but I don't care.
I truly think that it's all quite simple.
You needed an excuse to no longer be there.
I gave you what you wanted in a way.
I pushed you away.
I'm the insane crazy girl you'll never want again.

To Say Goodbye to A New Old Friend.

It's over, it's over. 

And I can't say it's the same. 

I can't say I'm going insane. 

I'm at peace. 

My heart doesn't appreciate being put in second place. 

I loved you, and I still do but something had to give. 

Your mind isn't right and I can't comprehend you. 

I'm taking the out you gave me, because that's what God would want me to do. 

How can I ever move forward if I'm stuck with you? 

Not to say that you were the worse but you were never good for me. 

Thanks for all the good times, the unmentionables. 

Goodbye dear. 

Her Vices.

Which one of my vices shall I delight in tonight? 

How far away can I stray from the truth, the reality? 

It's all so surreal, all just a dream within a dream. 

The late night drives, the swerving, the crying. 

The lies, the memories that you drank away. 

Buried in poignant brown, and swirls of green. 

Threatening my very being. 

All for a guy, all for someone who was there. 

I thought you cared for me. 

So what will we do when the glasses are low, and the bottles are empty? 

When the green turns to black?

When my emotions are no more? 

Why Am I So Angry?

Disappointed again. 

You left me. 

Here in this same state. 

Feelings of being pathetic. 

I panic because it's all too much of the "truth". 

Because they all come to the same conclusion time and time again and it hurts. 

I'm sorry I'm not closer to perfection like you. 

Or that I can't express myself in a way you approve of. 

I'm tired. 

So tired of it all. 

Dealing with life and the people in it. 

Being happy for everyone but me. 

I have to return to selfish ways otherwise my soul will fade away. 

I won't apologize for my feelings. 

I can't do that again. 

So good luck dealing with the blue-grey version of who I am. 

Good luck becoming my friend again. 

Ever Since The Truth Became A Thing.

You know no one loves you.

But you get out of bed anyways. 

Put on that pretty dress and lipstick. 

You try for them.
And yet nothing in return.
The cycle.
The cliché.
The annoyance.
Ever frustrated.
Ever alone.
Your soul can hardly bear it anymore.
You beg for mercy, you pray to whatever God you don't cry for.
Paint such a pretty picture of all your pain.
Wearing it like fine gold.
And still no one is there to understand why your tears are crimson.
Why your heart is ice cold.
Or why your mind is borderline insane.
 

The Fall of An Empire: Falling Star

A falling star.
That's all you ever are to me.
Illusionist.
You aren't ever in reach to me.
Steal my heart and my voice and end it all.
Because you are a falling star, why can't you see...
The hold you have on me.
The demons you bring to light.
Straight to hell, all my dreams go.
I keep this song in my heart, with these tears in my eyes,
And I'm broken.
The soft sound of falling straight from the universe into a black abyss.
The intense smolder of emotion.
The suffocation of my words that would never stand a chance.
You are a falling star, why can't you see.
You were never met for me baby.
Illusionist, I'm going crazy.
Ever the delusionist.
I'll always be waiting on something I can never see.
That falling star,
That's what you are to me.

Whatever I Say.

My heart is a shell.
Filled with so much nothing that I don't even know where to begin.
I have an understanding of what I enjoy from you, but that's it.
I hurt, I don't really care about much, but I most definitely hurt.
Some things get to me.
Frankly others I could care less about.
I'm not really sure where I should be, or whom I am anymore.
I know that hard work eases my soul.
I know that love keeps me hopeful.
I understand that there are people in this world that are my everything.
And that there are also people in this world who should have been there.
I love. I lose. I love again.

Her Mentor, Her Love.

She said she was feeling things and wanting more. 

His silence is more than expected. 

She loves him and he doesn't even know. 

Always here going through the same woes. 

Her life has never felt more complicated than before now. 

Never had it been so full either. 

She looks for reasons to let go and let be. 

He gives her more than enough reason to stay. 

They do a crazy drunken dance until they're red in the face. 

A bubble, a run away from reality. 

It doesn't matter that she is years from being perfect. 

It's not so crucial that she even accept all his quirky ways. 

But she feels safe. 

She feels like she might not slip away and forgotten. 

But come winter there will be something colder than the atmosphere. 

The Fix.

It's all for me. 

I live freely. 

I come and go as I please 

I kiss and make up. 

I break hearts. 

I can't break up. 

I lose myself. 

I fall too deep. 

I get lonely. 

I get excited. 

I'm free. 

I'm free.

I'm free. 

I'm me. 

I take care. 

I call back. 

I try hard to understand. 

I want it all. 

I've had enough. 

You're not here with me even when you are. 

I'm not your 3AM call. 

I'm not even a thought. 

You're pleased, I'm not. 

It's over. 

It's not all my fault. 

I take. 

I give. 

I give up. 

I give up. 

I'm at fault. 

Letting myself get caught up in all this stuff. 

Believe in the unbelievable. 

I'm lost. 

I'm lost. 

I'm lost. 

This is the end of a beginning. 

But at the same time it's the beginning to an end. 

It's all the same. 

It's all the same. 

She falls. 

She crawls. 

She hits a wall. 

She's hurt again. 

She survives. 

Even though last time was the last time this is the last time. 

I'm here for you. 

I'll be near and dear to you. 

That cliche you wanted boo.  

I'm down for you. 

I'll let you go. 

Slip away from my soul. 

Seep out of my heart. 

Erased from my mind. 

Sleep. 

Sleep. 

Sleep. 

I'm growing old. 

The bottles stay empty. 

I win and I lose. 

All the time. 

Simulataneously. 

Striving for the forgotten. 

Looking for something delightful. 

That familiar kind of feeling is bestowed upon them. 

Less and less of more. 

It's trying. 

Lost without it. 

We have departed. 

Nail in the Coffin: When A Good Thing Goes Bad It's Because You Broke It.

And the cycle continues. 

Parts of myself are now him. 

And I hate it. 

I rip away at the memories only to find he's all that is left. 

It's all him. 

I take you out. 

Put you on white clouds where you never belonged. 

Guarded by my queen. 

It's like you were never there this time.  

I should never lose myself in another. 

That's what's best for my health. 

I'm sure you can only imagine what it must be like in my head. 

It's white noise and sad faces. 

I worked hard to build myself up only to be torn down. 

Harsh words are triggers for me that guarantee a break down. 

You can't understand my sensitivity. 

Years of abuse to blame. 

Kind words aren't often. 

Love isn't something that works for me either.  

Learning the truth with each and every day. 

Seeing that the dreams and expectations I once had need to be let go of...

Once and for all...

You are just another piece of my history baby. 

Post Class Tid Bit

At some point all you can do is think about it. 

Whatever it is your heart desires; it's constantly on your mind.

If only my passion and devotion for and to my life could be half of what it is for man. 

I have a sort of fixation of what I'm missing. 

A big section of my heart is on reserve. 

All the love I feel I'm missing, who is it missing from? 

Someone who was never there or someone I've never seen before? 

It's hard to tell what you need from what you want. 

I'm sure it all starts with self and goes on from there. 

Certainly. 

When A Playa Gets Got.

I walk around as a free woman.

Feeling the experiences until my heart is content. 

I share no regrets. 

I hold my head high, even if my mood may be low. 

I'm everywhere, like the air. 

Breezing through the lives and hearts of others. 

But then everything stopped for a single moment, and my whole world has changed. 

My heart is grounded. 

Slowly defrosting and wanting to be found, wanting to feel again.

My heart wants something good for itself and that's all that matters. 

Tortured souls graze in awe. 

Time slowly slips away. 

It is you that I want and that's all that matters. 

When Life Got a Little Too Good for Her and Her Vices.

It's gonna be bad. 

And my wine glass can't stay full enough and my pain doesn't cut deep enough. 

And it hurts just as much as all the pain I've ever experienced. 

And I know I'm giving up before I even try. 

But it's because I know that pretty smile.

You deal with demons by yourself. 

No way in hell you're trying to take on mine. 

I can't not give myself a hard time. 

I know my worth and I figured yours out too. 

I mean what you mean to me is much more than you can know. 

I pray that you don't up and leave me. 

But I'm helping you out the door as soon as you really see me.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry baby. 

Reasons to Leave the Dick Alone.

Just because it's there doesn't mean it needs to be gotten. 

Wondering what is it that draws me to you. 

Is it the feeling of being complete or is it the pure animal instinct inside?

When you have needs that can be met by just about anyone. 

When all you can think of is all the times you spent laying awake, because life started to seem a little heavy. 

My mind is a mess because of you.

I can't figure out what I want or need from you. 

I'm not used to the attention, I'm not even used to the time. 

It's only me. 

This is classic me. 

Friends With Benefits.

We can't just live anymore. 

We have to touch, we have to feel. 

Giving into our primal instincts, letting go of all restraints. 

It's no wonder we're all still sane. 

I keep thinking I'll be able to say no, I keep thinking the problem's me but that isn't so. 

Temptation is my greatest friend and darkness has become a comfort. 

It's convienient and lacks passion but I'm content.  

You couldn't give me a higher high. 

The days go by and still I think of you. 

But then it dawns on me that we are creatures of habit and I've missed "you" my whole life and there will never be a day where I don't. 

Console me on my problems, comfort me through my grief. 

I'm entirely yours in between the sheets. 

I can be forgotten or I can be your greatest memory. 

But never will I be your everything, never will I be your everything. 

3AM Contemplations.

What keeps us alive? 

Is it love or is it passion? 

Does one come before the other? 

Maybe a passion is created from pure love. 

Or perhaps having a passion is what puts you on the road to love. 

But love comes from many things. 

From an indescribable need for someone to putting them first. 

Even if I don't know what I'm doing, even if I don't float your boat I'm still learning and that's no joke. 

I'll take this lesson no doubt but I'll keep praying for positive things to get out of it. 

Because I don't fall so hard so often. 

And I can't be too afraid or I may actually miss out. 

I've met loners, screaming lunatics, and heartless cowards. 

I've fought, and cried, and hollered. 

Life has cradled me in the lowest of lows and watched me soar on highs. 

I hear nothing in this world can take you places than learning how to handle change. 

Every moment has its own lessons, it's own positives and tests. 

You can't be so clueless anymore. 

Life won't win. 

O = Optimism

Painting a pretty picture, 

and it's all just for you. 

From the lipstick to the curled hair,

she thought this shit through. 

Opening a door to a stranger, but his eyes were kind and his smile was divine. 

Laughs filled the air, butterflies abandoned the lands. 

She was searching for the truth. 

But she took an oath she'd never do this again. 

The night grew old and sparks flew. 

An undeniable craving she couldn't describe. 

Where did this moment in time come from and why did she deserve it? 

The sad part is she couldn't really say she did. 

You'll always lose what you don't appreciate. 

What The Fuck, Baby.

Words are no more. 

I can't begin, or find an end.

Simplicity never existed. 

It's always been anything but. 

I tried hard to not make a fuss. 

My reactions are raw and uncut. 

Logic will sink in and smooth over everything I fucked up. 

One day you'll believe in me. 

I can't stop myself. 

It's so peaceful here inside my head. 

But I'm not allowed to stay in there. 

I'm supposed to let you in. 

I'm not even sure who you are anymore, but I guess we'll find out soon. 

You Can Have Your Cake And Eat It Too.

I wrote a song about you and you don't even know. 

Love was made, passions were thrown. 

My thoughts of you are on the daily. 

I pick up the phone but I just can't. 

Boundaries are loose. 

I was there for you as you are for me. 

A buddy to sink to lows with and drink to highs. 

My tears stay inside but my feelings seep out every now and then. 

I can't keep the stone cold walls of my heart so guarded. 

I'm looking for someone I can share it all with. 

Im patiently waiting. 

I believe in happiness partially because of you. 

Time has gone by and I'm much more whole and healthy. 

I don't cry any more over that life I once knew. 

Every step I take, every memory I make is with the sole purpose of moving on towards something good. 

Something better than every man I know. 

People.

Take me by surprise. 
I never really know why but people take me. 
They paint the story to their liking. 
Some will even give it to you honestly like they’re the antagonist. 
And you look away. 
Find the smallest inkling of light and call it a day. 
There’s no stopping it. 
Destiny brought you here and comfort is why you stay. 
Look into the brown water and let clarity breech your fears. 
You can’t run away and it’s killing you inside. 
Facing all the demons you locked away.
Hearing all the voices you ignored every day. 
I can’t promise you it’ll all be okay but at least you’re breathing.

Fuck Best.

He made his way into my bed, and then into my head. 

Making it to my heart, and that's where it starts. 

The caring, the thoughts, the feelings that come straight from the heart. 

Filling me. 

Breathing is impossible. 

Life comes together and makes sense just for a moment until it melts away again. 

Like it always does. 

He's the best at what he does but he'll never understand me. 

Learn my body and habits but that isn't all there is. 

This isn't a love story but a story filled with moments that could be loving. 

We aren't for one another but it feels good. 

Selfish as can be, innocence leaves me, maturity was never my strong suite so why is life challenging me?

Revived.

Her old leaves are shedding. 

The blackish-brown fading away. 

New growth is happening. 

Something they could be proud of. 

Her heart is evolving into something that longs for love and goodness. 

She's finally washing her hands of all the hurt and going after better. 

Her smiles have meaning behind them. 

Her laugh can warm the cold weather. 

She's glad to be rid of the Devils and Demons her world. 

She's happy to be her own person again. 

No longer holding onto the pain everyday, just slowly letting it go. 

The Wash Cycle.

We let go. 

We fuck up. 

We go back. 

We leave again. 

We're hurt. 

We cry. 

We die a little inside. 

We learn something new each and every time. 

But we're there again. 

Repeat. 

Repeat. 

And finally we can practice what we preach. 

We're "me" again. 

Fuck Reality.

Can't begin to tell you this..

Where do I start? 

I guess I'll start from my heart and work my way down to my soul. 

The night is getting old and the passions are growing stronger. 

The stars no longer shine their bright light on all my problems. 

The moon does. 

And you can't miss a thing. 

It's now there for the world to see. 

I can't thank the galaxy or the universe enough for all the light it has given me. 

Because to know, and to realize is to be aware, is to be able to fix and repair. 

And isn't that what problems are there for..to be fixed?

House of Confetti.

There was a slight shift in the atmosphere, but they wouldn't know. 

Something inside her healed. 

She wasn't killing herself anymore. 

Truth be told she wasn't scared anymore. 

Where her strength came from, well, they wouldn't know that either. 

But she was fine and there was nothing more to it. 

Wrestling in her mind of what to do or where to go and who to invite. 

Life can't always be a party. 

Powerful.

Slowly melting down the walls of insanity.

Crumbles of my life surround me. 

The rapture is coming.

The kind of love fit for a queen. 

The sweet sound of your sorrow. 

I'm sorry for the pain dear, but you know I know nothing else. 

Trembles of the Earth wake the souls of the dead. 

And they are here and here they'll stay forever.
Taken by a dark aura.
And that's just how it was for eternity. 

Whiskey & Weed.

You think you know but it's only begun.
When it comes down to it are you with it?
I see this so much, I see this shit all the time and it blows my mind.
How much they love and they lust and they give it all up.
I can't say I'm not guilty myself but let's have a bit of decency.
I see you across the room and it's killing me.
It's been a few years now and I don't even know what I mean to you.
Are you the man I once loved?
Or just the fuck I once gave?
Either way I can't help but wonder.
My mind drifts to a sinful place.
Reminiscent on the times you made my body pulsate with a thunder.
I can still taste the whiskey and weed that you loved so much.
All the times I snuck away and realized that you didn't even give a fuck.
You fought me on who I was and what I did and nothing was ever the same.
Funny how one time can become everything.
I should have had more time, flirted harder and longer, and did more crazy/wild things.
I find it hard to breath just trying to say your name.
Or remember how I thought I loved you and how I wanted to tell you everything.
Temptation has never been more in my face now that I have fewer distractions.
Each and everyday I wake up alone and lay my head on that same cold bed.
I can't hate that you're in love with another.
I'll never forget the passionate time we spent.
I just wish I never would have put faith in you of all people.
You were the best regret I'll never have.

The Truth About Life and Summer.

The truth of it all is that she didn't even know what was going on.
Just within the span of 48 hours her life had evolved.
Relationships gone.
Trust broken.
And hope hobbling on its last limb.
But she woke up every morning.
But she drank almost every night.
And she continued to ponder what was, and what is, and all that she wanted.
She felt like her life was in a sink hole and that it could always get worse,
You love and you live and you learn and you let go and say the hell with it all.
We mend the relationships that have the greatest impact and forget about the poisonous ones.
Never take shit when you don't deserve it, never apologize for being who you are.
Just live and let be.
Because if it's meant to be it'll be.
This is the mantra she lives by.
This is why she doesn't lie awake every night.
This is why she makes it through life,
Knowing that everything that is won't always be.
Which is a good thing since she's not happy.
She misses him who "loved" her every night.
She misses the guy who she could hang, talk, and drink with into the morning light.
She longs for the security "the devil" once gave her.
And she'll always dream of the one who will have her for life...
Until then she'll continue to sink and float, what else would she do with her summer.

Lies We Once Made Up.

We tell ourselves we can do it. 

That we're strong. 

That nothing will break our mindset. 

That the walls won't ever fall. 

But then there's a flaw. 

A single crack in the foundation and it all comes tumbling down. 

And we wake up alone. 

Darkness surrounding us from every possible angle but especially from within. 

Smoldering any hopes we ever had about mankind. 

There's so much of nothing within the faithless. 

And a whole bunch of everything within the broken. 

Say as you must, I am but a simple being in a complex universe. 

Your desires are only but for a moment in time and then they will be forgotten forever. 

The Beautifulest Tragedy.

Sometimes fools rush in and you know they'll ruin your life. 

As though that is what they were born to do. 

Your heart skips a beat and you can't resist the thrill. 

Your blood burns. 

Sanity slips in. 

It's as though all of life has been a sad song on repeat though. 

But every time you hear that laugh, see the trace of a smile, feel their heartbeat you remember why you're alive. 

Love is life. 

But life isn't forever. 

We're all confined to a certain span of time. 

Everything. 

Emotions, situations; they are all limited. 

I can't keep loving the wrong. 

Won't be the most dependable. 

I'm never The One. 

Fly away to the stars, back down to the sea, way down to the depths of the ocean. 

To the darkest of all dreams. 

And you will find me there. 

Waiting. 

Billions of Neurons.

Meeting of the minds. 

She gets more from your philosophy than she does your body. 

Can't easily be pleased with a touch or a squeeze. 

Give her some food for thought to feed her curiosity.

I know you can't quite understand but just listen up man. 

There's more to connecting than you think. 

Finding common ground, respecting differences, but also stimulating the synaptic neurons of the brain. 

What could be more fulfilling? 

Not a drug, not sex, not any of the vices. 

Nothing could begin to compare. 

But yet here you are...selling your body like there's nothing else to offer. 

She doesn't even know you exsist. 

This is the Truest of Dreams.

I can't deny the urges, the wants and needs that I have. 

Truly pulling at me. 

Running from a dream is like trying to run from your shadow. 

I know deep within what I feel but I'm trying to prove a point. 

I can pick and choose..I don't always choose them all. 

I'm capable of healthy and platonic. 

I won't hurt anyone, because that's my biggest fear or getting wrapped up in something that'll destroy me. 

I'll take you for what you are..supportive and inspirational. 

A success about a decade ahead of me. 

I'm young..one day I'll be less free and this scares me. 

Until I'm ready it won't be put in front of me. 

Holding onto the little hope I've mustered. 

We can do this I tell myself. 

I can be happy again..and soon. 

Doesn't She.

She faded away into a nothing that not even the lost were familiar with. 

Her pain could be seen by the blind, yet her smile inspired trust. 

Smart girl, not one to worry of. 

But she was a fallen star. 

Very much so far away from her home, from everything she had ever known. 

Didn't she know that the birds needed her song...

That the flowers of the sun needed her admiration..

She flirts with the idea of freedom, of belonging to no one, no man or woman standing in her way. 

Just gone. 

No one can touch her. 

She's one with the earth now. 

Now and forever. 

FML (Free More Love).

I hit rock bottom. 

Just trying to find the surface. 

Maybe float up to the top just for a bit. 

You love and then you lost him. 

You keep on thinking bout him. 

But you can't play the keep away game. 

Don't be ashamed. 

It happens to the best. 

It sneaks up on you and you don't remember right from left. 

Your emotions go up and down til you end up on the ground. 

A total mess from the situation. 

It's hard to have great participation in this kind of situation. 

All of the questions with none of the answers. 

And the shit only gets deeper. 

Your soul only grows more found of the impeding darkness. 

But who do you know? 

Who do you know that has all this shit on lock? 

That doesn't flinch when their luck has dropped? 

I didn't see nothing, and I don't know a soul. 

Just Now.

These scars I have match the ones invisible to the eye. 

Though they'll never be as painful. 

I can't trust myself. 

I can't run from this. 

I do this shit everytime. 

I do it all the time something goes wrong. 

Finding it so much harder to handle life. 

When did everything become so down in the dumps? 

When did "friends" start making demands? 

I just want to know everything will be okay. 

That I can go to sleep and wake again to see another day. 

I just want to feel sane again. 

The Quote.

"However much you love somebody, you should always keep a part of yourself to yourself. Never give it all. You can never be yourself otherwise..."

And this is a truth that cannot be expressed in any better way.
She holds onto the emptiness where all the parts of herself used to be.

Quietly praying for their safe return one day. 

Or at least to have them filled with something of substance. 

She knows that giving her all results in personal satisfaction but there's always a small percentage that's just not having it. 

She'll wait forever, til she's blue in the 

face even. 

Holding her breath that just maybe he life will fall back together again. 

I Don't Even Know.

Why do I always fall for your type? 

The ones that don't love or feel easily.

The ones that always break hearts. 

I care, but I don't. 

I'll love you always, but I won't.

We sit and say farewell and goodbye. 

Each and everytime I can't even get it right. 

What you deserve and what you love. 

I just can't think it up.

So I give you the very least. 

I think of you and then it's obsolete. 

I give you all my love, trust, and gratitude. 

Just to have it spit back at me and I'm sorry. 

I'm just a girl who loves and loves again. 

And it'll be til the very end. 

The Real Blues.

Cause when you're all alone the walls close in. 

The liquor got you thinkin of that nigga who "doesn't exist". 

You can't feel much but what you feel is everything. 

Realizing life is so short and it's all about timing. 

We love and we hate. 

We complain and then we keep on. 

My heart has never felt this strong, my mind has never been so gone. 

What was the fuckin point of it all?

To have me thinking love, but it was nothing at all? 

What's wrong with me? 

Why can't I ever be the one? 

I hope that one day you're all happy. 

Taking every last piece of me until there was nothing at all. 

Im sorry I ever trusted you. 

I'm sorry I thought life could be so cool. 

I look through eyes of heartbreak and I can't see a thing. 

Nothing makes sense and it all fades to blue. 

The Calm Before.

Our hearts shatter into a million pieces and one day they become whole again. 

I can say I'm okay because I don't have to deal with those who hurt me. 

I can love like I never loved before because every guy is different. 

Sure there are the scars that I deal with, the baggage I can sometimes carry along. 

But the hope, and the newness is there. 

I keep going back, I try my hardest to shut my memories off. 

To not see your face in my dreams or in reality. 

I pretend that the best feeling I've had in a long time never even existed. 

And it feels wrong but what can I do?

I ask for the reason why to no avail. 

And then I respectably step aside and out of your life. 

Because why add to the craziness, to the complications. 

Maybe this decision will set some things right in the universe. 

That new paths that lead to better things will show themselves. 

We can only hope, and wait and see. 

Always..Your Type.

I'm not saying it's hopeless

Just shouldn't be your main focus. 

I think we just fall too quick, get wrapped up, and lose sight of everyone else. 

At least that's my problem. 

So I need to take this time to figure out what's worth it in this life. 

This is why we're soul mates because we care so much and give no fucks at the same time. 

Can't say that we love with our heads cause our hearts always win the race. 

I want to take you to quiet place, where the world can be ours just even for awhile. 

But then I snap back to reality and realize that can never happen. 

Because we're just two people from different circles so of course there'd be an end to the magic. 

I fall for the good ones and the bad and they all just screw you over. 

But little do they know karma's a bitch and she likes to keep you a little bit closer. 

I walk around with this chip on my shoulder and all the baggage of my past   

I can't tell you how many times I've been in this place in my life where I feel unwanted. 

Dazed and confused I keep searching. Keeping my eyes wide shut for "the one". 

They know I'll always be here, they know I'm a nice girl with a mean streak. 

That my heart is tainted, that my love is conditional because that's all I ever knew. 

They know that nothing will ever be enough, that my thoughts are too much for my heart and my head. 

And that more than anything I just want someone there. 

They know the story but still can't sign on. 

I can't be mad, I can't even blame them. 

So I wander through life and that's all there is to it. 

I Don't Mess With Them Fuck Boys She Said I Don't Either.

She knew when she said goodbye she was also saying hello. 

For her heart was never safe in his hands or any of his successors

And she knew this and those around her knew this but she didn't care. 

Because all she wanted was to be loved and held for the moment. 

But she was lied to, this caused her to shut off her emotions, because why would anyone lie to her. 

I can't compete with the ghosts of the past or the hopes you have for tomorrow. 

I need someone that'll fight for my heart and attention, for my love and devotion. 

Someone that actually deserves the good within me.

I can keep wasting my time with these fuck boys or I can cut the bullshit and get serious. 

I know I'm used to shit so it's easier to deal with, but I want to have that feeling of unaudible gratefulness to be alive. 

That ready to conquer the world and get my life together agenda. 

I want to feel whole again. 

Don't Tell Me You Love Me.

I care for you. 

Deep down in my heart, I know I love you. 

It doesn't matter where we've come from, or what we will be. 

All that matters is you and me. 

The time I spend with you is truly living life. 

Desire pulsing through my veins. 

I can't help but look at you. 

Saying goodbye over and over again because I don't know if I'll ever see you again. 

I love you but I can't say it. 

I can only show you, when I kiss you and hold you and laugh wholeheartedly. 

I can't say it. 

But I love you. 

And one day we'll either come together in happiness or fall apart so tragically. 

But either way I'm glad to have had the time and second chance. 

I'm happy that for a moment you were mine. 

Same Shit Different Person.

I hate when my heart beats to dead ears. 

I can't imagine your world but I try my damnedest to get some form of the truth. The least you can do is the same for me.  

I sit here thinking of you and for what? 

Love was never apart of the occasion. 

You want me when you want me and then that's all. 

I'm sorry I'm so quiet. 

I'm sorry I don't get along with the world. These "problems" I have are ones I'm aware of. 

I can accept me but why can't you get with it. 

Am I really that bad, am I?  

Daze and Confused.

No one wants to be alone. 

Not having someone to share things with is most difficult. 

Not being able to turn to someone for comfort and support. 

I was a frazzled girl and then you were there to calm me. 

I don't always make the right choices. 

I don't play by the book or even think logically with you but I don't know. 

There's something about you that keeps me..just fine and content. 

I want the world, I want time and attention. 

I want to make you fall in love with me. 

I want you to trust me. 

I want to be the person who inspires you to live life and make good choices. 

There a lot of strength that you hold that I don't even think you realize. 

What could push you to get up every morning and work a nine to five? 

It's not just the money..there's not much glamor or fame. 

It's just you fufilling a purpose and I love you for that. 

This isn't our first time here in this strange  exciting terrifying space, so if we can't get it now, we won't have it. 

I'm scared to lose you. 

It's confusing because my senses and my heart dully remember how you made me feel. 

So I know that when it happens, that moment when I finally see you again it'll be electric. 

I'll have to contain myself. 

Because I've missed you and I've missed us. 

So here I stand. 

Stuck on what we had because I want you. 

I just don't know what other way to say it. 

When You Stop Lying to Yourself, and Do Right By Your Desires.

He's all alone. 

By choice or by force of nature he stands all alone. 

Figuring things out before he makes his next move. 

There's something to be respected about a man like that. 

There was always a degree of respect and admiration. 

I see that times are hard, it's like looking in the mirror. 

Maybe we'll find peace together by being apart. 

The sacred parts of me would like to wait on you but lord even knows if I'm first in line. 

So I'll do my best to follow your lead and figure out what I need from myself. 

Because it'll be worth it. 

Then the next time I lay eyes on you I know it'll be perfect. 

Whether it be a year or five I know we'd still be an option. 

So good luck to finding your soul and balancing your energy with that of the Earth. 

I'll pray for us both. 

The Light.

Out in the distance was a light, that shined so bright every night. 

Without fail this light would lead the hearts of many. 

This light belonged to an old lighthouse that stood alone in the far seas. 

No one ever really saw it up close or ever really looked at this lighthouse but they knew it was there. 

Without fail, night after night it would shine for the sake of others. 

This lighthouse saved souls, it saved lives. 

Even in the greatest of all storms it stood strong. 

Without fail. 

And for all of eternity it was destined to do just this. 

Hmm

Never one to blow easy in the breeze. 

Endings, and beginnings. 

That first thought, it was all that mattered.  

Everything was chaos inside, but on the outside decently put together. 

The glow was her guidance and the promise was her only hope.

If she made mistakes she lived with them. 

Not one to give up so easily when it came to matters of the heart. 

And perhaps that was her only fault. 

 

I Hold Onto To All I Was Given.

I love without reserve. 

It doesn't take much for me to love to no avail. 

I give what I've never gotten. 

Searching for someone who will see my soul for what it is and still love. 

Love shouldn't be this thing worshiped or searched for well that's bullshit. 

It's literally what were made out of. 

I am the product of my desires. 

It's ironic how I haven't been able to figure out too much. 

I've been roaming this planet for almost twenty-two years now and there's not much to show for it. 

Just a lot of dried up tears, scars from my dispair, and pain from everything I've lost.  

I've known these things so well, ever since I was a little girl. 

I wish someone would have told me early on that the world isn't a pretty place. 

That even if you grow up with love and attention one day you might be a fly on the wall that no one ever thinks of. 

Sometimes I wonder if I just went MIA would anyone really notice or even care. 

I wonder if I really was a mistake or something born out of guilt and unhappiness. 

I wouldn't be surprised. 

This darkness that dwells inside me is something the world isn't ready for. 

So that's why I have my secrets. 

That's why I hide my feelings. 

That's why I'll forever apologize for all the things that I am and will never be. 

Tired of Being Subpar.

I am mentally falling apart. 

I can't really breathe easy. 

Things are a mess in my life and it feels like shit to be so out of touch. 

All I want is happiness and love and appreciation. 

My mind, my body. 

Everything is at its peak with how much I desire from people. 

And I get nothing. 

Or what I get is not enough. 

Or I can't appreciate it. 

I can't do life right and all I feel like is that I'm going to fail. 

I don't think I'm ever felt so alone. 

Or pointless. 

Thoughts Between Sentences.

There's a gloominess in my soul. 

A spot in my heart where absolutely nothing is there. 

I think about you even when I don't want to. 

I just don't care. 

Reaching for stars that aren't there, wishes for miracles that God himself wouldn't even dare. 

A constant apology. 

A feeble attempt to do right and I can't even win. 

My soul is darkness within more darkness and no one knows. 

I'm sorry if my smile leads you elsewhere. Or my humor is the biggest of all distractions. 

That my hopes and motivation confuse you beyond belief. 

You'd never be able to see just how bad it is for me. 

Love is all. 

And all I cannot have. 

Therapy Sessions.

So I let it be known of my issue. 

My dependency. 

How there's this hole in my heart.  

More or less it gets filled but is left empty again and a little bit bigger everytime.

I love it, I hate it. 

I have to find a way to stop making fate so fatal. 

I have to believe in me and someone else. 

Hold my hand, keep it near to your heart so I can feel that it's real. 

That we're here without fail everytime like it's not a choice but it's required. 

Simply the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on and there's not much I would do to look away. 

Mesmerized. 

Everytime. 

I know that one day you'll have a face in my head and a place in my heart. 

But until then I'll just keep on with these therapy sessions until I put in enough good energy into the universe to be able to find you. 

The search continues on. 

Why She's Hopeless.

I spend a lot of time alone and I'm used to it. 

I keep moving forward with or without my team. 

Lots of love for the time I get to spend with you. 

All those memories rock me to sleep. 

I keep the thought of you close to my heart. 

Your aroma fills my lungs. 

It's so sweet. 

I can't take it sometimes. 

I know I'll fuck things up but I hope you'll still hold me in the morning. 

Don't worry about my sins and demons. 

I've been working for a minute to make everything right again. 

This just isn't for me. 

I'm trying to be everything for everyone and it's not adding up. 

I let go of myself in the darkness and each time it gets more frightening. 

I don't leave scares anymore but I feel the pain. 

It quakes my soul, and pulses through my veins. 

I'll shake up your world for the better, but drive you absolutely crazy while doing so baby. 

And all I'll say is sorry, then I'm gone. 

And Again, She's Yours.

With all that's going on why is it you're still the one I always run to. 

When darkness seeps in, you come with it. 

I embrace it, I love it. 

Cause I can never not be one with it. 

I look to you for everything I'm incapable of. 

For life, love, and the pursuit of something better. 

Of course I hope you're the better fit but I know the truth. 

I haven't loved another since you, but you aren't who I want or what I need. 

I trust that you'll hear me out when I say goodbye. 

I mean it with all of my love. 

Always keep me in your heart and remember where we both came from. 

I hope you find it, I hope it always holds you near dear, I truly do. 

I Know Myself Well.

I dedicate my nocturnal hours to you. 

I sit here staring at white walls thinking of what to say. 

I wonder why the darkness has been my best friend lately. 

Why my soul feels less and less there. 

I just can't hide the pain anymore. 

The thought of going through yet another day. 

Wash away my sorrows with rivers of hope. 

Rise from the depths of the sea with ample strength. 

We try all day, everyday, just to love again. 

Given these feelings I won't ever go long without falling hard. 

I see your face and I never stood a chance. 

My heart yearns for someone to be with. 

The guidance and strength that you provide is required. 

So many possibilities of what we could be. 

I want to see where this road takes us. 

What your heart is made of. 

I pray that my kindness doesn't go unnoticed or my life isn't minimal to the basics of your world. 

There's a lot of uncertainty of where things will go. 

But as always I'm down to see and grow and learn and love again. 

She's Ready.

Deep sorrows no longer exist. 

Seeing that the best for me was when you left me. 

Can't say I'll ever get used to the independence but at least I'm still alive and well. 

She looks to the trees and the heavens and asks her questions. 

Open ended responses to be much expected. 

Time takes ahold of the moment and its loving. 

Her love warmed the hearts of many and induced fear in the bravest of man.

She didn't have to say much to let you know you were living in the light. 

She carried away your sorrows, and made sure you never drown in your sins. 

A humanitarian is what she is. 

Graceful with every movement, she dances along blurred lines and never gives in. 

She crosses your mind always. 

She lives in that thing you call a heart and she's comfortable there. 

Chances were always given. 

Forgiveness was appeasing. 

She loves, she cries, she shares her life with a sweet person. 

It's her gift to mankind. 

It's the way she gives back to the world. 

When She's Gone, She's Gone.

I'm not one to wait around. 

I believe in second chances. 

I believe in fighting for what i think is best.

I can't walk away so easily because there are times where I believe things could actually work. 

I don't know what's right exactly. 

But I do know that I follow my heart and soul til the end. 

Even if maybe I should get lost I'll still go on. 

These souls touch my heart and they speak volumes to me. 

They inspire me to climb mountains and reach out for what I want. 

I'm myself. 

I'm free. 

I have no worries. 

It took me awhile but I realized that I'm better off without you. 

All ties cut off and broken. 

You won't be my drunk dial. 

You never will be the one I turn to. 

I'm finally thinking of me and what my heart needs and it's love and support and geniune care. 

So I will hope for the best and say goodbye to all stress. 

I'm walking past thee. 

 

She's Going.

Every day has a night. 

And every night has an end. 

You had my love, but then you gave in. 

You said the one thing I couldn't compete with. 

Im sorry I wasn't enough. 

My emotions are all over the place. 

You weren't mine but you were close to it. 

Maybe it's just the darkness talking. 

Or maybe the lack of sleep. 

Maybe I really have lost it. 

I'm no perfect being but I'm no devil. 

You may not even know what you lost, or how much you meant to me. 

But we crossed paths for a reason and I learned a bit more about me. 

I feel that all this conflict happened to break me of bad habits before I finally met who I'm meant to be with. 

I truly hope that all the good comes and I want to start embracing life more and all it's quirky little moments. 

I Can See Again.

She blamed herself for shit. 

Took on the worries and issues of others as though they were her own. 

But no more, because it's not fair to her. 

People making her feel like shit just because they can't handle life. 

I'm better than that. 

With all thoughts of strengths and weakness to the side she's moving forward. 

Things aren't perfect but they're far from the shitshow that they could be. 

I love you she says to herself and no one can take the love you have for yourself away. 

That in itself is all the strength one needs. 

Cancelled.

I feel so empty. 

I try to make the best of everything and I get left with nothing. 

I'm tired of going through the same shit with different people. 

I hate that I still can't find acceptance from people and forgiveness from the world. 

We all try, we all try. 

But why the hell can't we ever get shit right? 

I'm tired. 

Always wondering if it'll be enough, if you'll ever love me again, could you ever really see me. 

I have to say life isn't as bright and happy. 

It's not an oyster anymore. 

I've been snapped back to reality and I can't shake my fears. 

Fears of failing tremendously, of falling, of being lost again. 

It's like I was just getting back up on my feet again but somehow I've already faulted and ended up on the ground. 

Time after time again. 

I'll always have love for you, but I have to love me more.

 Always..forever..and just a little bit more. 

And She's Back.

I keep hoping that it's all a dream.

I want to wake up in the morning and not even have memory of your face. 

I don't believe that time is ever wasted, but I do think that people take it. 

I can't have feelings. 

I can't be free. 

No one wants that from me. 

But I don't care what everyone wants. 

I care about me. 

I've learned some. 

Mostly that I don't give a fuck.

People will come in with their opinions. 

And they'll leave when they aren't happy. 

I'm almost used to it now. 

Yeah it sucks, but I don't want any favors.

I want what's real. 

Prays to the End.

So time is up. 

All you feel is all I can take. 

I'm not the one, I guess I never was, but I had fun. 

I truly believe we met for a reason. 

Maybe later I'll figure it out, but for now I'm just glad that I got out without much bruising. 

It sucks that my love for you was never revealed. 

That the excitement I felt will never be due to you again. 

But I honestly think I got a glance of what it was like to be with my father. 

Abuser of substance, disreguarder of feelings. 

I could have fell down the rabbit hole with you, but obviously it wasn't my destiny and for that I'm glad. 

I don't know much about what I deserve but it has to be more than the shit I've gotten. 

I like to see these different worlds.

To get a taste of life on the other side. 

I was never a bad girl. 

I always did the right thing. 

I always said please and thank you and kept my head down. 

And that was good. 

I'll never disreguard my dreams and hopes. 

I may not care about love much, but I care about my freedom. 

And I'll never let that go. 

When Love Fucks You Over.

The funny thing about love is that it's nothing and then it's everything. 

It's all consuming. 

It's a a fire that burns within the deepest pits of being. 

I can't tell you what it's made of, I can't even say that it's all the same for everyone. 

But I know it's one of the most beautiful amazing terrifying life altering things out there. 

One moment you're fearless and ready to go, the next moment you're caring for the well being of someone else. 

Every action you make may impact them. 

So you aren't as tempted to flirt or stay out so late. 

They're who you want at the end of the night and beginning of each morning. 

It's beautiful. 

That some day someone might just walk into your life and literally fuck shit up. 

It comes without warning, and it can't be stopped. 

The more you fight it off the more smoldering it becomes. 

That at night it slips out...it slips out in the form of kisses and favors. 

It can't be helped. 

And you're doomed. 

For your heart to either gain life or lose everything it once had before. 

There's no hope at all. 

I Try.

It's like a movie. 

The scenes keep flashing back, like all the great highlights. 

My heart fills and collapses with each one. 

Little by little I lose hope. 

You really don't know how good something is until it's gone. 

Until you see it halfway out the door. 

In my life I've learned that you can't plead and beg, the choice has to come from within them. 

And I chose you a long time ago. 

It's been a month now since I realized how I felt about you. 

And I still haven't told you. 

Everything I do, everything I say, mostly, it's all been out of love. 

The laughs, the hand holds, the butt grabs, even holding you while you sleep. 

I chose to always be there because that meant I was with you. 

That for a few hours out of the day it was just you and I. 

And nothing else mattered. 

I may not be winning the award for humanitarian or even a ribbon for best attitude but I was always there. 

Whether it's because you needed me or I needed you. 

We were there, together, for one another. 

And it was all good. 

Realizations.

Things were moving fast. 

I was there and you were there. 

But then it was always. 

I love you but I could never tell you. 

I watch as you sleep, laying there completely vulnerable and trusting, and I tell you in a bearly audible whisper how I feel. 

I see how beautiful you are, although you may be lost. 

You laugh too loud, you scream without reserve. 

You live all aspects of life to the fullest. 

And all I can hope for is a little light. 

I steer clear of the bad topics. 

I dance around in the glory of love making, of our bodies connecting. 

I see that I've taken things out on you when it's undeserved. 

I see things now and how I've treated you. 

I shy away from your lavish life because I'm scared. 

I don't want to cramp your style. 

I fear the day that you are no longer a factor in my life. 

I don't wish to lose you. 

But I know at some point you'll realize it's time to go. 

And all I can do is bid you farewell. 

I hope that you know that I love you so. 

Every time.

When it's finally time to sit back and enjoy the music I fail. 

I shake things up with clouds of black and hail. 

Shots are fired but no one is hit. 

Just scared shitless. 

You no longer speak, are you through with me? 

I make mistakes and at times become blinded with emotions. 

I'm only human and you know this. 

Drank the color of honey. 

Eyes the color of death. 

I'm sorry that I can't focus. 

Oh well, the hell with it. 

Meowness.

She looks in the mirror and realizes she'll never look as good as she does today. 

Through sober eyes finally seeing that maybe there is more out there. 

Maybe she deserves better. 

It's funny how one day you're in love and the next you don't see the point. 

He's there when he wants to be and even then he's somewhere else. 

Light years away, I'll never catch up, and I can't say that I'd like to.

I know that this "love" is wrong and that its tainted with drugs, sex, and rock n roll. 

He takes what he can get and a little bit more. 

That emptiness she told you of, the yearning for someone to care. 

None of it mattered to him. 

So still she sits with an unrequited love, and an empty soul. 

Hoping one day that she'll find someone that desires more. 

Pointless.

One day marked the worst day of my life. 

But it wasn't the worst, it was far from it, it was one of many that were to come. 

Sometimes it feels like everyday is the worst day of my life. 

Because I'm not getting this or that..because no one listens or understands. 

Because nothing is unconditional anymore. 

I hate it all. 

I hate the fact you won't talk to me. 

I hate the fact that no one will ever love me like you. 

I hate the fact that you're dead. 

I hate the fact that you don't give me the time of day. 

I hate the fact that life keeps keeping on and were only getting older. 

I hate it all. 

And I'm still broken. 

I still can't do right by you. 

I've still got trust issues and pain inside. 

I still cry and die inside. 

So what's the use? 

What's the point?

Feeling Sorry.

Better off got me feeling like I'm better offed. 

When my demons are just there staring at me..expectant like..what am I to do?

When I don't want these feelings anymore.

When I can't figure out the answers to any questions and it hurts. 

All she ever needed was love, but it would never last long enough to heal the wounds. 

No one ever stayed around to figure out her sadness. 

I can't explain my blues but it's there. 

I wear it on my sleeve like the latest fashion. 

I've fucked myself out of good situations before, won't be the first, doubt it'll be the last. 

I hang my head in defeat, and everyone else laughs. 

That dark cloud over my head isn't for show and it's not planning to pass. 

It's my life. 

Sometimes it rains and storms and others it's a light drizzle I don't even notice. 

I'm sorry if my moods aren't what you wanted. 

I'm sorry if all you wanted was my mouth and my "love". 

I'm sorry if I'll never be good enough. 

I'm sorry I don't know the right things to say. 

I'm sorry that I don't understand. 

I'm sorry that I keep on falling for the wrong people. 

I'm sorry I keep sitting here apologizing for other people like it's all my fault. 

I still don't get it. I still don't. 

The Truth Comes Out.

I found someone to call me baby. 

Someone to hold me tight and help me feel again.  I'm not sure where things will go to or if I'm gonna be out the game any time soon. But my heart wants what it's want. It decided all on its own to care for you. I decided to let myself love you. But with my love and care comes the worries. And I worry about everything. I want those I love to be safe. To not hurt or be alone. I just know that from day one I didn't want to change you, because I tried that with other loves. And it's not a tale I like to think of. I'm no longer scared to grab your hand, or kiss you the way I want. I see your face and it soften my heart and lights up my day. But there's a dark silverlining to your world. It scares me some, but I don't want to make the same mistakes as before. I look past a lot. Although there is little you do that hurts me, I know that I'm not perfect and that one day I'll do something that breaks your heart, but I don't know what will happen if I do. 

Hearts.

I'm in deep. 

I never thought it would happen so soon.

I always hoped. 

I "searched" but I was never really ready. 

But I found someone whom I love and that cares for me without a doubt. 

I can't say if he'd take a bullet for me just yet but my presence definitely makes a difference in his life. 

And that's what matters. 

He makes me laugh, shows me affection, talks to my friends. 

The passion I feel from him is unreal, and it didn't take months of cultivating a fire. 

It was just there from the get go. 

I don't have thoughts or plans for the future, but hopes and dreams of tomorrow. 

All of these feelings may be a bit fresh and new, but seedlings eventually bud into beautiful blossoms. 

Love. 

Sweet Moscato.

He loves her. Well that's what she feels. He's sweet. He's her everything. She wants to love him for a very long time. She wants to hold him near and dear to her heart and turn his world upside down for the better. She wants to be in his heart as though that's where she always belonged...but he's elsewhere. He's living life, he's going through things. And it's hard. It's not something she has ever liked living through...so she twittles her thumbs and goes through life. And all she can do is wait and hope for a phone call, for a message, for his love again. 

The Four Letter Word Returns.

There was a shift in the winds, a slight pressure change in the atmosphere. 

It was barely noticeable but I noticed it there. 

I knew something was different. 

I felt it in my very core, that warmth that gives birth to butterflies that flutter deep inside your stomach until you're really to puke. 

I don't know if I can handle the responsibility, the emotional aguish that comes with falling. 

All the uncertainties and desires, all the necessities. 

But I had to accept the fact that I've loved you since early spring. 

And that my life wouldn't be the same without you at this point. 

One of my first thoughts in the mornings, my favorite hello and my most difficult goodbye. 

I hold you near and dear to my heart...

Laughing with Love.

You're always on my mind, like that song you can't stop thinking of. 

You're just always there, even when you didn't want to be.

I warned you time after time to catch yourself before falling, I had to a couple of times. 

It's unreal how I can feel so loved by you, you that I barely even know. 

Maybe it was all the late nights, or just destiny. 

Whatever it is I hope it doesn't hurt if I fall. 

You can't really time these things, or meet someone and just know they'll be a big part of your life. 

It's funny how life turns out. 

She Will Always Leave

The lights dim, the breathing heavies.
I close my eyes and my mind begin to wonder...
I can't sit still, and I know exactly why.
I flutter like a bird and jump to my feet.
Leaving you in the middle of the night is the only control I can find.
I don't want to watch you sleep, I don't want to hold you tight.
I slip out the door onto the balcony.
Having some time and earth all to myself.
My love echoes in the background...
"and if I die before I wake..
I pray the lord my soul to take, but please don't cry
 just know that I, have made these songs for you..."
For someone who spent so much time alone I never really got used to it.
I don't like cuddling because that's too comforting.
I can't hold your hand because that symbolizes unity.
I can't take your kisses anywhere but the mouth because that means you love me.
Maybe it's all in my head.
Perhaps I don't even know what I'm talking about.
You came into my life and I didn't even know what I was in for..
I just hope that when you break my heart I can get back up again.

When It Doesn't Even Matter Anymore. . .

Deep down I know this never works,

Making you apart of my darkness will only make things worse.

Those words will cut deeper than any knife can, 

my heart will bleed til it’s dry again.

Lose myself everyday and everynight,

am I even winning this fight?

I think of you so highly now,

I love you til the skies are blue and the earth is brown.

So curse me if I'm a fool to have fell for you...

Curse me if all I want from life is to be with you.