I am defeated.

It's been awhile since I was in the dark place.
Maybe a few weeks tops.
So much has changed since then and tonight I feel lost.
I was feeling indestructible today, all because of him.
But of course he doesn't have time for me and our schedules are opposite.
So here I am feeling defeated.
Defeated because I don't think I'll ever find another job.
I can't even get my wrist healed.
Defeated because I have no skills.
I have no motivation to teach myself.
Defeated because when I feel alone it really sucks.
Defeated because my relationship has me pushing my only guy friend away.
Defeated because old men keep crossing my mind.
I'm feeling defeated because I want to have babies.
I just don't want to be old doing it.
Defeated because maybe I won't succeed.
I'm defeated because all my happiness and motivation is dependent on another person.
I guess my addictions know no end.
I'm defeated because he said he loved me, and because he never said it and because he doesn't say it enough.
I'm defeated because money is the struggle.
I'm defeated because I miss my father.
I miss my grandma and my mother.
I'm defeated because I tell myself no so much.
And say yes at all the wrong times.
I'm defeated because all I can do right now is tell you this as these tears roll from my eyes.
I am defeated.

Why Lord?

I spend my time wondering if I'll ever be as rich as you.
If being so emotionally vulnerable will ever do a thing for me.
If you will love me even in hard times when I can't afford anything.
My motivation is down in the dumps these days.
But the sun keeps rising and it keeps on shining too.
I come from a land of struggle where we've all been touched by hard times and no one ever really makes it.
I don't know success.
I just know about how people get complacent.
In a world where we knew nothing and we still don't know a thing.
In my head I feel so happy, but deep in my heart I feel the failure.
I wish to know success one day.
I hope to grow into a better woman fit for something important.

Love You Forever.

I held my hand out.
Waiting for you to love me.
And you found your way into my heart and soul.
Your smile forever etched into my memory.

I feel a warmth I don't ever want to stray from.
I'm fighting my way from a darkness I've lived in too long. Oh I can taste the cherry cola on your lips.

Love has never shown so many sides.
Things keep growing and pushing, pulling.
All this time.
It flies by.
And I want to slow things down.
I want to live in this love forever.