When Did I Become A Ghost?

I secretly hope you read this.
That would be a dream.
To know you still think of me, as I do you every time I try to move on.
Honestly it's easier being a mess than someone's person.
I gave myself to you a long time ago and ever since people have gotten the ghost.
There's no blame here though.
Because we torn each other apart, that's one thing we can agree on.
And years from now when someone tells me you're married with a family and someone tells you I died from drowning in the darkness... I'll secretly wish it was me, and you'll secretly want to be me.
If anything we loved to toxic levels.
We went to a place great poets shy from, a place I'll always remain.
A living hell.
Living with the pain I caused and the lasting scars I'll always have.
A constant reminder that it hurt so much inside the pain and frustration bled out of me.
And I just can't get away.
I want something else, a good, sweet, healthy love.
One I deserve, but deserve in the way I actually know I do.
Sometimes I get so tired of feeling empty.
Of lusting and never loving.
It gets so crazy.
I become so involved and wrapped up in the most fucked up people.
But I swear to you I had love for every single one.
There's just something about knowing you're not the only one going through it.
There's just something about being there for someone... but where are they?
Why don't they ever see me?
These are the insecurities of a ghost you created.
Born on the day my heart was broken, destined to wander the world in search of something bigger than herself.

You're Welcome for the Honesty.

With my heart on my sleeve I dreamed of someone like you.

Too bad my dreams never come true.

When all you know is the bad and the sadness comforts you, what can you do?

I hold my breath to see if it makes a difference.

I trace a path on parts of my body only you've seen.

To know me is to love me, but when you can't even remember my name we're far from that reality. 

When what you want becomes what you need it's time to leave.

I can't trust in you as I did all the others.

Man is so dishonest and loyalty is a thing of the past.

So I can't even be mad when I push you away.

When all your flaws are on display.

When every tear is a waterfall.

Maybe I'm wrong for sabotaging what we had together.

I just realized from day one we wouldn't be forever.

Not Another Sad One.

This sadness is a blessing.
It keeps me comfort when the days grow cold.
I dream of when you'll be mine.
But for now this sadness keeps me warm.
Little do you know, it has nothing to do with you.
This sadness is a blessing.
I tell no lies, but I shy from the truth.
In everything I do I never want to hurt you.
I dance along the line you don't want me to cross.
Not a care in the world.
Because this sadness is my greatest blessing.
When you leave it stays with me, rocks me through the scary night.
Watch my soul darken as the time drags by ever so slow.
This sadness is a blessing, it will comfort me when you and I are no more.

Censored: Because We Just Don't Give A Fuck.

Wrapped inside of your love, or your care, whatever it is that lies in between your legs.

You, that's the only thing I notice.

If only you were that simple, but you're far from it.

On the surface you look like any other person, but deep down you're dark like me.

You have your own beliefs and state of mind and you like to try and put me on.

You care and then you don't and it's the perfect harmony.

I try seeing past today and into tomorrow when I'll finally feel your embrace.

Maybe I'm not demanding enough, perhaps I say no way too often.

You just don't realize how down I am until I fall to my knees.

You said you love me as we lost ourselves in "Rich Sex".

I don't blame you, because sometimes the pussy is just that good.

I won't say sorry for the vulgarity of my words, because all you ever said mattered was that I was as real as the birds in the sky and the time that flies by when we're together.

The only one as of lately that I can see myself with.

The only one that gives me hope that maybe I can do this shit.

To know you really is to love you.

At least that's what I once heard.

10 o clock raps.

They think that I lost my edge, as if I was ever soft for them.
Guaranteed to have my sweet revenge and you won't be laughing will ya.
Too strong to be broken down like the weak green you are always smoking.
I know my worth and simply won't die without the constant reminder of it.
You may not understand the heart and compassion that I bleed.
No blaming the blind for not seeing the issues that lead me.
Stop waiting on me to ruin your world.
Things won't change any more than the seasons will.
And lately it's been feeling awfully cold.
Kiss the man that I give my heart to and still I see you.
I dream of you.
Feel you with me even when I'm so alone in this world.
I pray good comes your way so I know I have a chance.
Cause if you can have it all i know I can find a piece something left behind.

Driving in Cars With Boys.

You give me something that I've never had.

Love so bad I can barely stand....it.

Something new and irreplaceable.

But that's not what they were waiting for.

I reach my hand up to the stars.

And that's when I figure this is what dreams are made of.

Magical yet explosive.

My body is devoted to you.

I'm under your spell, and you gave me the potion.

I can't deny these feelings inside.

My body is your inspiration, and you love being inspired.

Your touch is barely there, but the things it does to me are hard to mimic.

Keeping my mind off darker days with old flames.

Keeping my heart satisfied.

And what we do is one of my greatest vices.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to ignite this sinking ship.

Darkday.

I wouldn't say I lost my voice I just found another outlet.

Well perhaps i did lose myself along the way.

Because I always lose myself to my vices.

Give me an inch and I'll cut it into two like it's nothing.

Show me the waters of torture and I'll drink them til there's no more.

They give me a chance, whomever they is, they that still believe, they that'll always have faith.

They give me a chance and watch me throw it away time and time again.

But isn't it getting old, tiring even?

Why should they keep watching as I crash and burn like a drunk driver?

Why would I continue down this path of self destruction? 

The Truth About Being One.

It hurts having so much silence.
They don't understand that the dark days aren't just limited to the clouds and retreating of the sun.
How could they ever put the puzzle together and see the broken hearted girl.
With sad eyes, and a sexy demeanor.
She's fighting to keep her head above water as she drowns out the silence with her vices.
They expect that one day she'll give life to another.
Or that one day she'll find a world of happiness.
But she knows it'll always be one foot in front of the other, taking it day by day.
Merely existing to live every once and awhile.

This Is What You've Got.

Losing your balance.
It's like you're being sucked into a black hole.
Nothing else matters.
How can you sit there so calmly? 
When the world is ending.
Never losing control.
The water washing away the reasons for my vices.
Those kisses give me something else to write here.
I'd be lying if I said that you were the one, and I'd be lying if I said I never thought about us.
Many days have gone by, and I try to keep them behind me.
Emotions seep through the cracks in my heart and I start drowning.
No one can hear my screams here, frankly because no one's around.
You see this is the part where I disappear.
Where the world goes on without me because I no longer exist.
I see my reflection and it's more me than you'd ever get to see.
Perfect scars decorate my body.
It all slips away with time.
That caress I once cherished.
That passion I helped kindle.
Letting you go wasn't even close to the hardest thing I've done.
The thing about this all,  is I barely feel hurt anymore.
I've been given the chance to truly be alone.

She Does The Most For You.

I write because you exist.
Because you love and you let love go.
If it wasn't for you I'd be okay right now.
I'd be sailing with the summer breeze, and catching flight with birds, and forgetting all of my fears.
You smile in my face and tell me everything will be okay, but it won't will it?
At the end of the day I'll have to let you go.
Like the sky let's the stars fall and crumble.
It always comes to a screeching end doesn't it ?
I could never tell you apart from the imposters.
I never gave you enough credit to make you feel beautiful.
Got so caught up in the idea of perfection that your heart never received affection.
The dramatics, the soulless nature of your ways.
It all goes back to the grave.
There are somethings in life I'll cherish and never forget.
But others I can barely live with.
This potion gives strength to my devotion, but life gives me reason to keep on floating.
So I make my way towards the stars and the moon and the heaven and I settle right into that warm place near your heart.
And I hope we never drift apart, I hope we never drift apart.

The shift.

Sitting here contemplating why the sky is blue and the ocean too.

Took her awhile to realize that we don't always have the answers. 

Took her years to know that this is just what we do.

We chase love, fall for its tempting ways.

We chase security and sometimes fall short only to hit the ground.

Loving every minute of it the whole way down, they love every minute of the fall. 

You see them in the club swaying to the sweet sound of their vices.

That's the anthem.

Falling only to feel the sweet pain of hitting the ground.

At least we know we're not dreaming, that life is real and we're fighting all the demons.

Keep striving for everything we can't feel, and everything we can't see.

Give it up to the man above and all those watching down on us.

We're here until we're not and that's what it's all about.