Trying.

Dreams of moving on and finding peace. I keep seeing you in my dreams. 

It's not bad because my internal self is working on healing. 

I am finally starting to feel healed in the sense that our chapter is over. 

Ever so changing is my heart, my mind, body and soul. 

You sell yourself short and people think little of you. 

Try to make the best of it, try to take each day like it's heaven sent, and make a memory. 

Only scorched in your mind for eternity. 

Like the dancing sunflowers or the big blue sea. 

We're here for each other always. 

A love that cannot be forgotten is the love of human kind. 

Passionate and deep. 

It circles for the far corners of the galaxies. 

You step aside and let me stride towards something great and unknown. 

I'm beginning to see what you see with great hindsight and integrity. 

You cannot fear what hasn't come dear, you cannot give up before you even try. 

I say to you that I haven't come this far to be nothing, and I won't stop until I've over come the obstacles which stand before me. 

We Don't Trust These Hoes.

She told you all the shit that left you high and dry and you listened..
Naturally you invited that bitch in for some tea and a little night cap.
She dazzled you with hips and lips from the south and you fell right in.
You lost yourself in rivers or seas you never thought existed.
Yet all along her heart belonged to someone else,
captivated by a higher power that wasn't Him himself.
Competing with a ghost for her love which was never promised from the get go.
These hoes mystify and criminalize every move made,
You never had a chance at her heart.
But you sit and you watch her do her dance, go through the motions over and over again.
How much more will it take til you're sanctified?
Until the heavens open up to shine a little light?
Or Hell heats the truth up so you can finally feel it?
Whatever it is you do you better watch yourself.
The man eater herself has no fucks to give about your feelings.
She's here for herself tonight.
To fill a hole in her soul that can't be brimmed.
So indulge in her passions and tend to her desires,
cause pleasing her will be the only pleasure you receive in the end.

Ode to Great Love, Great History.

How can I continue to keep falling in love?
Even though this heart of mine has gone through it it still survives.
Bring me forward to the light of things that are true and real.
If you prey on me I will make sure you fall.
Not the words of hate, but the hate of words will come out.
When no one was looking I cried until I no longer could.
Reach out to me and feel for my heart.
Just follow the cold and you'll find it.
Deserted once before, but I never forgot what it felt like to live.
The found memories of "I love you's" and adventures.
At times I feel guilty, because I know I took away the very breath in your lungs.
I don't like to say this aloud, but I live with hate towards myself and what I have done.
And if by any chance you ever read this know that I am so deeply sorry for what I did to you..know that no matter what you'll always be my first true love who made all my other loves pale to blue.
And though I am but a wanderer in this life I learned...
I learned that there is need and there is dependency.
There is closeness and there is suffocation.
There is trust and then there is nothing.
Even if what we had was destroyed it was something before it was nothing, and that will never be forgotten.
No matter how many puffs, sips, or lapdances take place those memories can never be washed away.
They meant something to me and I'm tired of acting on the contrary.
So I cannot lie to myself my entire life dear.
You were a crucial chapter to an extraordinary novel that's still being written.
And sometimes it hurts, and sometimes we fall, but all that ever matters is that we get back up and walk tall...

I love you forever and always..through distance, space, and time my heart will always find you.

&Even Though.

As the cool breeze shoos dusk to dawn how can I deny you?
I keep dreaming up the impossible in every thing I desire..
Perhaps I'm the only thing holding me back.
Perhaps when you hold me I think I might fall, but when all my walls are knocked down I hear your call.
You're the realest thing that's came into my life since I've been given a second chance,
so why fight it?
Your priorities seem straight.
First thought in the morning and last thought at night are decently indecent..I have a tendency to fight the things I want in life.
But is it that I really don't want them? Is it that I really do?


We condemned this thing from the get go.
I want you ,but I want to be able to leave you.
So with a few words I can change the whole dynamic, but with that really comes the trust issues, the tears, and the harsh words.
The only pain you bring out are my unaired demons, and I can't be mad truth be told.
So on a cold winter night I sit here and have your sins forever scorched into my mine.
Because I will always be condemned by your demons, always have a far ear listening for your breathing..
Wishing you well, as I wish you dead due to the unforgivable pangs of betrayal.


I know that I am a woman of love, one who loves one and then another.
A modern day hippy.
Brought to this Earth to love as many as I can before my time runs out, fortify dignity and integrity amongst man.
Bring to you the hope that could never be otherwise.
I don't mind doing that because it's something that comes natural.
Everywhere I look there is someone that needs my strength and so I offer it up or lower my guard for them..
All in all I am a compassionate being.
Contrary to their belief I do care..and I can die today sure of it.
Knowing in the deepest parts of my heart that I will always love and care.

The Truth Be It Told.

Don't think about it too much when I kiss you softly and ask you to stay. I just want you near my dear. I may never love you,  or maybe I'll never admit it but just stay. I keep all these broken pieces of my heart scattered around because I'm falling apart. Because I have to remind myself that one day these piece must come together again. I don't always agree or see eye to eye but I'm here, with passion, wonder, and daring. You see that smirk on my face and you know it's time, ready to go higher and higher until I come undone at the seams. You see to me this love you desire is maybe something you've been missing for awhile. I can smell it on you like the whiskey, cigarettes, and sweat. Just dance until your done, dance until the world is nothing more but a distant thought. Come back to me at the end of it all and distract me from shitty days..be a stone so that way I can move on. 

Just because

Real is death, real is the feeling you get when your heart is broken. It's the pain you feel when your starving. The indescribable sensation when you're lying to yourself, god, and those around you. Being alone, being so far away from humanity you don't even recognize youself. You agologize, constantly apologize like your 2 and someone's going to spank you if you don't. Critize you to no end and tear you to pieces. 

Just a Little Something.

Fucking our way towards the end of day. Searching for a satisfaction. I lose myself inside you and cannot be found. Every drop is ecstasy and every pill is nectar. I hope you love me at the end of the day, that my face is burned deep into your memory. You just wait for that moment when you can stop wishing, stop hoping for the inevitable. You have dreams of dreams that cannot be shared through talk amongst pillows and I can't be mad. I see through your shit and you don't even know, loving you is a book that cannot be explored. I'll see you in the spring and share you in the fall, but never will I be yours year round. I let you into my world and you nearly drown. I can't kill the Ill feeling of losing you or not having you around. You were all I never wanted and so much of what I needed. Here for you now, there for me later. I found a respect that had never been found. Each and every day I lose myself to the flow of a river that I cannot be drown in so don't worry. Open my eyes and see trees. You make me laugh, you bring me up to moments I thought I wasn't down for. Twirling in fields of dark and surrounded by clouds of sunflowers. From a world that only makes sense in your dreams or on a drunken night when you feel weak. I will always be there in the morning and at the latest hours of the night when everyone else is asleep. Don't fear what's to come because if it's meant to be baby, it'll be...

Chance.

You gave me a piece of you when no one was looking. That day cruising in the snake roads, dreams of better days. Hiding all your demons, and putting away your sins for me...I miss you some days. But still i hate you every now and again...toyed with me like I was some kind of piggy bank. I pray that every night you fall asleep you drift into dreams that slay your mind and rock your soul. I was promised something faulty and left with nothing but time seen out of a faded gold band. I sway my hips to your songs, run my fingers through curls that keep me warm at night, and drink the liquors that you could never stand. Not many ill wishes just hopes of visits from that bitch karma. Til we meet again. Live. Love. Lost. 

Thoughts and Feelings.

That sweet torture you call love. That beautiful thing you call hate. From the very core of my being I can honestly say I don't relate. Sweet disposition that is you, heavenly sounds that you make. If it's just to see a smile on your face I'll do it. I'll be there when you wake. Carry you down to neutral grounds. I sway from side to side as I listen to the melody that is you. I can't break free, hypnotized by your cries. Death is trying, but this life is so renoun. I can't keep saving you from yourself my dear, or fighting battles. As I lay my head down for sleep, I pray of all the things in life I want to keep, to have and to hold always, things that are near and dear to me. All the things that remind me that I'm human. Look me in the eye and see every scar, every tear, every smile I've bared witness to. Wise and all but I can't sway. All these things I see come to me for a reason and I'll continue to take it one experience at a time..

5AM, The Truth Speaks.

I can't sit here and say that I don't still love you, that I don't sit and think of all the times I spent thinking of you. All the times you were there for me when I all I could do was cry. I'd definitely have to say I miss you and that makes it more difficult for me to breath. I lose the desire to be when I think of being with you again though. I lose all my humanity when I think that if things were different life could have worked out for you and me...it's hard as shit to say but all this running around just isn't me. I hope that one day we'll both find what we're looking for and be happy baby. 

Just a Line Away.

Hair down to your back, a smirk that can make the saddest heart feel free.
A casual way of being everything a girl could ask for.
I watch the stars through the ceiling and talk with you.
Taken away by a few of my vices, but never a dual moment.
The little light at the end of the tunnel flickers on for me.
Maybe a little love, maybe a little hope.
You reach for my heart, but I'm distracted by the sexual tension.
I can only see eyes of toasted honey and I'm mesmerized.

I can't help but love someone who puts a smile on my face and respects my space.
There is something that brings me to the ocean, the trees, and to the moon and back.
You thought it was never possible for me, that I wouldn't find it.
Fought, and discouraged me.
I will rise again my dear.

Finals Week.

Currently finals are fucking me harder than a prisoner who just got released after being locked up for 20 years. Damn. Everything in life seems to focus on a grade, on a name on a piece of paper known as a degree. Something that doesn't make me more entitled than Joe Bob on the street, something that doesn't make me any better than the stripper you secretly visit during the week. My nerves are everywhere, my heart is on the ground, and my hopes are in the garbage. Every promise of opportunity that was given to me feels wasted and pointless and I don't even know why doing the most was a choice in my mind. This is what happens when your a senior with no support from home. When your hopes and dreams turned you into a puddle of tears.

He left me with a good peace of mind.

Here we are again, stuck back in the same spot, with the same thoughts wondering what life will look like. I feel so much cultured, at times less alive. Pieces inside died. People by my side fell up up and away. I can be bitter about it or I can savor the goodness of your memory. They all leave me with a little bit more perspective than before. I know everything is temporary. That this night is not forever no matter how much you may want it to be. Look deep into my eyes and never walk away from me. Don't break this heart of mine, do no harm onto me. 

Why?

When everything is to much. When the world seems to be crashing down upon your head. When time keeps slipping away. And the ones you need aren't there. I look and see my reflection. The same reflection I have been looking at for years. The same reflection I have been questioning at every glance. There isn't a day that passes by that I don't feel the pain and sorrow of a thousand words. Of a million I'm sorries. Of a trillion maybe next time. I've been handed the short end of the stick quite a few times. 

This Time.

We sit there and we wonder, why has time suddenly passed us by. When did we stop savoring every moment, seeing all the colors, and tasting all the wonders.  I sit there and question what could be. What if I choose this, or instead say that? What if I loved til no end or stepped back and never let love in? I sit there and I wonder why we are all connected, why we yearn for love and acceptance. One simple touch could make a difference. Three simple words could change the world. Y o u. A r e. W a n t e d. I. l o v e. Y o u. What if we heard these things over and over until our ears bleed, until we screamed mercy. Would we be happy then? Better off perhaps? I can't tell, not until it all ends perhaps. Not until this soul stops wandering this time dimension. 

So it's over.

She touches your heart and then your soul. Turning up the corners of your mouth, sending birds soaring through your soul. She gives you an idea of what love is, of what love could be. But you could never love her, because you know yourself too well. You know your the type that doesn't marry, the type who doesn't want to grow old with someone. You walk away because your not ready  you treat her bad because you don't know how to act. You use her for the night because your body is lonely. She gets it, but she still holds onto hope. That maybe one day she won't be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Who Knows, Who Cares.

Take your time. There's no rush. 

Doing the things that make me blush. 

I see that look in your eyes that tells me you just want to be fucked. I will seize the day that I can get a taste, of your world, of the love I missed out on. I hold a small piece of you in my heart. I feel for you. I really do. Holding onto the old me that isn't here anymore. Wondering if she's ever coming back again. Wondering if anyone can give me hope again. I sit here not knowing what's to become of my tomorrow..or what my today will be. I sit there not knowing anything and it kills. 

it's coming out.

Some of us found God while others ran away. We all look in the mirror and vaguely see who we knew yesterday. Time after time I try to let you know that everything's gonna be okay. I watch as your eyes glaze over, as the clouds engulf your very soul. I try to let you know..that there is always tomorrow. That tomorrow can be a better day. You look at me with eyes filled with dread, cause tomorrow isn't something you want to see. It's not in your plans. I hold onto hope with both hands and breath in, wrapped up in the smoke and mirrors of what we have. Take your time while your killing me softly, cause we always have tomorrow for me to fall apart. 

She's the Force.

You see the work I put in, the focus, the care. I'm here for you she said, I want you alive and happy, but I can't hold it in. There is a right and a wrong and you did wrong. Technically I did the right thing, it just turned out to go against you. Once you feel free you won't want to be caged again. I don't know a soul who wouldn't want to fly high. I don't know a soul who wouldn't want to disappear every so often. The lies they told you, the way they raised you I'm surprised you made it this far love. I'm surprised you're here today..I'm surprised they even care. I live life like this gentle wave, caressing the sand on the beach, chasing the toes of children. I mostly go unnoticed until I rage. Until disaster follows..the lives that are lost and lives that are destroyed. I am a force to be reckoned with. I am a mind to be dissected..until the day of my demise. 

Feelings.

I love the way you feel my dear.. 

The earth and the heavens above, the stars and the moon in the sky. The feelings in my heart, the very baring of my soul. Traces of my life dance along the beautiful waters, tickle down the spines of trees. You see they all take a little something away from me, all leave me a little less incomplete. I can't keep pushing away the feelings, can't keep the  darkness at bay. And you know that, and you all know that...

The blurb.

Sometimes I think of your love as an entity that fills the far reaches of the universe..

It's what warms up the Earth for humans to thrive..

It's what caused the evolution of ape to man..

Sometimes I think of you as someone who's good and not someone who ruined my life.. 

I tend to forget rather than forgive..

I rather be anywhere but here he said, I rather leap off buildings and cliffs. 

My soul hurt because there was nothing I could do to keep you grounded. 

Nothing I could say that would make you want life and happiness again..

I failed at saving you and now I never want to see you again. 

You hurt me, because you can't see that other people's feelings exist too. 

You can't see that tough love is too much..

You never realized how much you didn't know me, how much my heart would get in the way. 

Why ?

Since when was it such a bad thing for a woman to have an opinion?
To express emotions and feelings?
Sometimes it cannot be helped, this fire I feel in my heart.
The shift in the universe that happens that lets me know I should speak up.
If it's not okay to feel or speak then what does that make me?
All these years I've been struggling with overwhelming feelings over everything.
My heart wants to give up.
My soul can't even begin to comprehend.
I spent years and years in silence, living lies and exsisting in personal hells...
And I can't go back again.

Refresh.

She spoke of love songs and fairy tales and the world began to drift. 

Spinning slowly on its axis, rupturing the atmosphere one more time. 

Her hands on her head, she doesn't know where to begin. 

Gorgeous eyes, an attractive smile, she's falling in. 

The warm sun lifts her up and pulls her close. 

It's been a long time since peace and chill vibes settled here. 

She welcomes the love, and happiness. 

She hopes for the best yet prepares for anything to happen. 

Know not who you are, but what you are capable of. 

Love not once or twice, but forever. 

It'll never stop, it'll never end. 

Coming alive to only die again. 

Taking a breathe to only suffocate. 

Know not what she does, but how she feels deep inside.

Because this may be the last time you see her smile, or feel her touch. 

This may be the last time she decides to love you. 

Wholesome

 No one realizes that I'm the type of girl that loves everyone…Even when love is lost I know I will love again, even in love I feel that strangeness of how I could love whomever. The problem is, not everyone can love me. I'm so worried about falling into the hands of the wrong one, I'm so worried about falling into the hands of no one. I've made my mistakes and made my apologies…I've prayed and sweared to death. I'm hurting now, because I'm no longer a cup of tea. I'm not longer a simple child, I'm a slightly cynical/slightly broken young woman with all of these issues. Parts of me were stolen, other parts were lost, others I gave away. I don't believe that I'm a wholesome woman with tons of self-respect anymore. I believe I let go a lot and swore off many of my standards. If this is what it feels like to be alone I want nothing to do with it. If this is what it feels like to be misunderstood I want to wake from this nightmare. Spare my heart the from the aches and pains. If you do anything for me you can just spare me. I need a moment to live without feeling like a complete and total mess. I feel as though I project the feelings of what I want out of a relationship on other people too much. I go in expecting the world instead of taking them for face value…I put them on this high up pedestal because of how excited I get at the thought of them doing/being what it is I need out of a partner. I'm sorry. Sorry for all the pain I caused and the time I wasted. Sorry for all the words I didn't say and the ones I used against you. I'm just sorry.

River.

With the eyes of a believer I look to you for guidance.
I hear your heart beat, it's filled with love and triumph.
You have many a tales to tell, but there is silence.
You ignore it all and keep to yourself.
I can feel your presence everywhere, you never beseech me.
You just stop and stare, and wait for my next move.

To Know Her is to Love Her.

She knew she could love again, and she would.
More fiercely and passionate than before.
Taken for granted no more, won't be pushed to the side.
She loves and she loves again.
She tries her very best to be okay, but it's never meant to be.
She was born to love a hundred times.
She always felt kind of free.
No matter how devoted and in love, she knows forever lasts for only a moment.
Those throws of passion you feel with her, that longing in her eyes for you.
She's had it a dozen times before, and it won't stop with you.
She may love you, give her heart up, thank the heavens for your birth,
but she will never stay by your side.
She has known this for a very long time, and she's okay.
However you are not. You can't sit there and tell yourself she isn't for me.
She has you convinced that it was meant to be, that love began with her and it'll last an eternity.
You savor her kisses more and more each day, because you know she is a free soul, meant to travel to the seven wonders of the world and never return.
You realize that she leaves as fast as she came into your life,
you realize that nothing will ever be the same.
Because she rocked your world and made you feel things.
Good girls finish last all the time, but her, she always comes out on top,
she'll always be okay, because she understands the destiny of loving and then loving again,
that is what's really meant to be...

Energy.

Escaping my vessel, leaving me with nothing.
I can't even tell you the time of day or why my mind is astray.
I hope that I can help you one day, make everything that was wrong right again.
I feel this tiny emptiness forming at the pit of my stomach.
This aching in the chambers of my heart.
I let someone take another piece of me,
It was my hope, a little bit of my dreams.
I say sorry to my being.
I fall to my knees, down to the Earth comprised of all our heart and tears.
I see the birds, and clouds above me, the gentle sway of the trees.
I fall victim to the beauty of it all,
I drift off into a slumber that takes me back to birth, to childhood, to my adolescence.
Forgive me for I forgot all of these moments.
Back then I didn't know any better,
I didn't know that the world was so scary, that people would break my heart,
That my love would fail to cease.
I feel the gentle vibrations coming from the very core of Earth and I wake,
Tears dripping down my face
 Because I forgot how hard it is for me to take a break from my heart ache,
That even in my dreams it continues to haunt me.
That even I can't slip away from reality.

This is a Love Story.

So the honesty gets me there, takes me to places I wondered of
Exploring the unexplored, writing the unwritten.
I'm happy to oblige, I aim to please.
I look to see what you see in me, and I'm mesmerized
Watching you as you watch me, I'm not all that serious
I won't hurt you though, hold onto that worry a little and then let it go
You can only be you for so long before you start becoming the person you really want to be.
I want to bring out the very best in you, don't hide it anymore.
Laugh until you're young, wild, and free.
Take my hand and I'll lead you to the promise land..
Even if you stray I'll show you the right way.
Trust is key here, love is our glue, and forever is what we've always been after.

The Sun, The Moon, and The Earth.

She feels like the mother of Eath..
All the connections, all the right and wrong, all the love and hate, the forgiveness and vengeance coursing through her veins.
Her tears are seen by many and her heart touches the hearts of others.
She's fighting to make a difference, to find solace from her sins.
Reach to the sky and the sun is gonna shine.
She fades into the wind..
A distant memory, a warm feeling in your heart.
She is the sun, the moon, and the earth..
She holds onto a feeling that she has never felt before..
Bringing people together, loving when no one else can.
She lost her faith but wants to find it again.
She lost her mind but found her soul in the process..
You can't blame her for being the mother of Earth,
when all she ever wants to do is feel alive.

Tired.

I find a growing sadness within my chest
Accepting the end of a new beginning.
I feel as though the soul inside me is going away.
I feel as though the wings I spread are here to stay.
I speak of love, sex, and losing myself, but maybe it's time to be found..
Maybe it's time to love me, maybe it is time to be my own best friend.
I live life for the sake of others most of the time.
I cry for them, pray for them, and exhaust so much of my energy on them.
I feel so crazy always.
I do so much, but yet there is no ripple in the sea of life..
I want a moment to myself, just long enough to wash away the pain, just long enough to recover.

Little Rants.

I guess it's something different for you than it is for me.
I see youth, fun, and good feelings.
Who are you to deny that of me?
I guess I'm a selfish breed.
I don't blame you if you want to leave..
If being free is too weak or scary...
But nothing will keep me from happiness again.
I've always known what I wanted, so fuck me for it.

The Wait.

You think that you made a connection..maybe you just fell for a dead man.
Reach inside a mind full of madness and you'll have to wait..
Wait to understand but even then you won't know what's coming next.
In a moment you'll offer everything up, not because of deep feelings or time, but because of desire.
You sit and you wait, this is the first time you've had to wait and it's unnerving.
All these questions upon questions you have.
You were so ready and expectant.
I guess you can't always get what you want..i guess sometimes you just have to wait.
Maybe there is much more to the process, a conversation, a fair warning or two.
I'll reach my goal sooner than later I hope.

Her Heart.

That taste you want to experience
Of your dreams, and fending off the nightmares
Hold her tight and she won't take flight..
Crumble into a million pieces, burst right at the seams.
She sees present, past, and future all at once
Not the type of girl you pass by without being mesmerized.
She's all over you and you still can't get enough.
Pouring into your heart and soul all at once
You feel like she was yours from the very beginning,
Like fate is what brought you together and destiny is what let you in her heart.
Either way it's all the same, her heart is dripping for you and you get to feeling parched.
You can't let her go, not without letting her feel what it is she deserves.
She lets you love her, just this once, just for this moment, maybe for a lifetime.
And you can't get enough, you feel it all as she does..
As she takes flight, crumbles into a million pieces, and burst right at the seams.
She's gone and all you have is the memory..
All you have is the passion that belongs to her.
She sees past, present, and future or so she thinks.
She gives you a moment then a lifetime.
She's yours as long as you think she is, then she'll slip away.
Because she'll always slip away. . .

Just So You're Fairly Warned.

I looked down and then up, there was love.
Right in my face like the fresh air on a summer morning.
I saw a passion arise from the night like fire.
Then the walls started to melt away.
I don't go above and beyond but for you I made that exception.
To know love is to have love, and to let it go is to finally understand that life goes on either way.
I see the birds and the bees getting together these days.
I drift away at sea and watch in a passive way.
What fears lie before thee?
What pains will I face today?
Certainly not those of yesterday, certainly not again I pray.
I reach up and there's your face, with a gentle embrace a calm washes over me.
I speak of such fires, and passions, and wonders because my heart is still a little astray.
If you think I speak the whole truth your wrong.
If you think you know me your wrong.
To know me is to love me baby, and your wrong.
I'm not your perfect lover, I'm not your china doll.
Just one lost soul finding its way.
One broken heart trying to piece it all together again.
I am me, I'm nothing more than what you see.

The Truth.

Sometimes you just want to tip toe along the line.
Lose yourself and your mind.
Those who help are much appreciated, others stare in awe.
Life takes more than just waking up every day.
This soul of mine has been sailing solo for some time.
Many tales can be told here, but won't. These secerts of mine I'll take to the grave.
The blessed memories I hold onto will escape me one day.
Putting one foot in front of the other and I say "take me on, I'm here to stay. Now and forever you'll have thoughts of me. I hope all is well, I hope love is all around".
My love left me the other day, and it has me on the ground.
Crippled to no end, the whole house buring down.
I hug you one last time, feel your warmth escape you.
I kiss you and say goodbye, because this is the end of eternity.
Until we meet again on the other side my love.

Take some deep breaths.

I live in shades of cool..
You don't see what I go through.
In this world where no one says hello, no one notices you.
You walk and drift away never to see the light of day.
Misunderstood and not even given a chance, it gets more and more tiring every day.
Looking for something to satisfy my soul, and ease my spirit.
I share many stories and wear my scars of great pain.
For everyone to look, but no one to really see.
Wondering always what more is there and why are people this way.
I can't keep on questioning.
I walk a thin line between love and hate.
I feel that time has definitely made me this way.
I'm losing something, but gaining much more.
I dance and sing and play in the rain.
I love no one, but my heart feels for everyone.
There's so much more isn't there... there has to be.

Just a Little Bit.

Keep in mind that time is a sole entity.
That it is one thing, but yet it is everything.
She was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone
Who had nothing, but who wanted everything.

She loved like there was no tomorrow, with such passion and fury.

As though the sun would never rise again, as though the ocean would stop being blue.

She knew that the piece missing within her could one day be filled and she knew exactly how,

it was just that each and every time she tried she was left feeling bluer than before.

On well to the world, to the fish in the sea, to the pain that no one could see.

Dying inside but she keeps trying.

Swimming against the current that is life.

Wondering why at every corner.

I can't tell you how many times she wondered why.

She is still searching, she is the light on the lighthouse in the distance.

Surrounded by fog and dark sea; as far as the eye can see.

Standing strong, unwavering in her search for it all.

Til the end of time, til the heavens open up, or everything just ceases to exist.

Whatever it may be she's dedicated to learning the truth, finally. 

I Can Give You a Piece of Me.

Holding onto something that isn't real
Feeling like the world is coming down
Spinning and flipping around
Nothing ever stops, time is always lost
I see through eyes of a broken heart
My soul drifting away, my hopes are always on display
Don't hold it against me that I'm adrift at sea
Many things still worry me, but I square it away until a different day
You'll be pleased to know that I am a fighter
Facing danger head on, never looking away
You can trust me when I say that you are loved
Even when it's not always the most obvious thing
We venture through life and sometimes experience grave hours
I can say you'll always be saved, but still be strong
For fear is the only thing that'll steer you wrong my love.

Black Beauty.

You look right at me and see through the exterior,
Deep inside my soul.
It's as though you found what you're looking for.
I kiss you softly, it's as though the heavens start to sing
Don't know what you do to me, but it's tearing me apart.
What can I do?
This black beauty is finally free.
My heart beats strongly to be with you, as though the world would come crashing down
As though oxygen is no longer found.
My being gravitates to you, and soars through the cosmos with every touch.
This feeling is unbreakable, I can't imagine life without you.
You make this black beauty feel free again...

short and to the point.

I just want to prove to the world that I can accomplish something.
That I can make a difference., that I can help a person in need.
I look around me and I can see so many people doing good
When is my chance?
When will I have my own chance to succeed?
I want to succeed.

Giving Me Hope.

He gave me something I could understand
Something that I could hold and eat in my hand
It's like finally someone understands my life
Knows what I should've done and knows my plight
I know I made shameful mistakes and I acted an utter fool
But I feel it was necessary to teach me what I should never do
Maybe there is hope for me after all, that I'll get my life together
The sorrow and hate that's wrapped in me deep down it might finally go away.
After all why should we be angry and sad if it'll screw things up with the next one.

A love story baby.

She's patiently waiting
Biding her time, looking at her watch only sparingly
She's excited because she hasn't given up hope on something...
Love.

I don't know what is out there, but I know that it's there
I feel it deep down to the core of my soul
It's there.

She keeps wondering why, why does stuff happen
What's the reason for the people in her life coming in
So many questions, with no answers.

I go throughout my day wishing..wondering..waiting
You're out there somewhere and I already feel it in my heart that I love you.

She's relieved, relieved that she's got a chance at happiness
She looks in a mirror, shyly, and sees her beauty
Wondering when someone else will see it too.

I hope that you know that you will be loved to your hearts content and beyond
I wonder if you're happy, if you've made it through your first real heart break, if you've achieved many of your goals
I'll be ready, I promise you that I'll be worth the wait.

She's on a first date at a fancy restaurant and there's a glimmer in her eyes
Leaning across the table intimately talking to him
They share a kiss and know that they have finally found one another at last.

lost and now...

I've been stupid these last few years.
I fell in love with a devil.
Lost pieces of me.
Belittled myself..i basically put myself in this little box for awhile.
And for what, to be loved and not forgotten ?
Yea, well now I am lost.
I've lost my friends.
Distant from family.
I don't take care of myself, because I don't care.
I eat everything, drink, curse, lie to myself, lash out, get involved with inappropriate people.
I'm fumbling with my demons this summer...
And there is this mirror that I am being forced to look into..
And what do I see?
Well when I reluctantly take a peek I see someone with holes in her heart..
Someone who has wanted to give up for awhile now, but can't find the nerve to completely throw in the towel.
I'm never gonna be the same little girl I was when I was learning about life, or the teenager I was when I started experiencing life.
To be honest I don't want to be..because I'm smarter for it now.
 Because even if I don't realize it I'm safe, better off, and stronger for everything.
Nothing in life lasts forever, not relationships, not feelings, not even a good phone battery.
But when I can find happiness in cooking or enjoying wine or reading a dirty book I'm gonna do it.
Because at the end of the day I have me, and I'm the only one who will hold me down.
It's nice to have guys around to make me feel desired, but are they worth the time?
Not likely.
The other night my perfect man came to me in a dream, everything I could ask for down to his choice in wine..
That's who I'm waiting for..
One day when my heart is filled up more and I'm on my path again, everything will happen as it should.
I know that there is some greater purpose for me, I just have to get ready.

Let Go.

I've got to let go of the hate, it's time to show the world that I am here.
Underneath all the pain, self-hate, and denial I'm still alive.
It's been two months and life has gone on..
I spend time looking into my hopes, dreams, and future.
I want to succeed and I don't try.
Let love lead you down a path of destruction, but hopefully it'll one day help you find your way back.
I'm taking the incentive to take control of my life, no matter where it may take me.

Little

Funny how people will forget about you during your hour of need.
Life seems so simple, like there is nothing more to do, but breath, eat, and sleep..
The physical pain I feel will go away, but the mental tortures are here to stay.
Rest, don't fight it, just rest.
Forget about the pain.

Summer Fun.

Promise me you won't get involved.
It makes everything have a shot life span.
Summer fun, summer love.
I can give you what you need right here or I can let you drift away.
I see what you are here for and I can't help but drift away.
Sweet touch to my face and deep kiss to the mouth.
You taste of bitter raspberries.
I can't complain, the look in your eyes is intoxicating enough.
I couldn't even tell another soul of how you make me feel.
Smile to my face, sun on my cheeks, how can I let you make me feel this way..
Hands up, guards down.
I'll let you have me right here, right now.
Looking up to the clouds for answers, for reasons why, but I just can't seem to figure it all out.
You rest your hand on my head, and the clouds clear away..
There's nowhere I rather be, and no one I rather hold.
Kiss me until the summer fun grows old..

The Push and Pull.

Clear water, pushes and pulls me.
I don't know what to do but worry and enjoy it all at the same time.
I think one thing and put my foot down, but then my feelings tell me something else.
Forgiveness, overreaction, and second chances.
He knows these all too well.
I turn to a friend, so I won't be alone.
I'm sorry I'm so sensitive, but I've been through hell.
It's beginning to feel like a distant memory, that pain inside.
I'm not one hundred percent, but much better.
I look into the crystal clear waters and see my reflection..
You can have the world I think, a family, and nice things.
Love, care, and fun..loyalty, respect, and adventure.
I know one day I will get all the things I'm hoping for.
As long as I stand tall in these waters.

Writings on The Wall.

Look a little closer, you'll see something you never noticed.

Captivated by looks that's called lust and it'll get you good,

Everytime.

I'm sorry for the pain I caused, but this is the shit that I live for.

Make my life a little more pleasant, or just distract me from the things that make it hectic.

Look into your sweet eyes and wonder why..

Why me?

Why now?

And what does all this mean?

I stay quiet, try not to question the passion we ignite.

Can't stay away no matter how hard I try.

As much as I can't stand you I like having you there, listen to me talk about my shit

I really don't think that you care, but you comfort me and challenge me on my bullshit.

On my toes, I'm always there, but you try to stay two steps ahead, but I'm four baby.

Try and keep up.

I put you back in your box until you prove me wrong,

That you're not like all the others that come in and out of my life like a wrecking ball.

I stand strong, but I have my needs.

No soul wants to soar alone, just freely.
I can't believe how far I've come, heart obliterated and gone, but I keep two feet on the group, sorta.

I'll be waiting for you to look up and read the writings on the wall, then maybe you'll finally give me a call...

The Works.

I've know your type for a while.
Give and take back what you gave.
Be there and then fade away
I hope you understand why I came..
Here for the thrill, fuck the games
But when they don't act right let them explain.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, don't act that way
I've heard it all before, so this is like a rerun for a girl
You send a few texts my way, a phone call here and there
I won't let you in again..so deal with it baby.

Live a Little Less..Err Something.

No expectations.
With that you can never be let down.
Something I am trying not to always be.
Life is stressful as it is.

I see that you're unhappy.
I look at you and see a bit of me.
Trying to fight for something that was once good.
Holding out hope for the person of your dreams.

Realize that things won't change.
That when you see true colors, they aren't gonna go away.
When you feel the pain, and then make up, a little of it lingers each time.
Pieces of you chip away.

Falling victim to the personal hell you created with someone.
Wrapped up in your own demise.
Don't hold on to it.
Remember who you are and where you came from.

s k i n n y.

Come on skinny love just last the year,
holding onto love, and pain, and fear.
Gave up on what I knew before just to give you strength within.
I loved you when no one else knew to.
Why did I get hurt the most...?
Come on skinny love what happened here?
Who's to know the tales of our love anymore, but these scars I hold near.
Trying to, forget it all, just give me a break.
I don't know what the future holds to this day..

It Happens..

Sometimes we fall victim to tragedy and then we lose ourselves and then what?
Do we ever find solace again?
Can we ever really sleep soundly again?
I found a lover, someone that might care..
Someone that calls and shows up and sends good morning texts..
What more could a girl ask for?
Maybe a heart that wasn't torn into a million pieces.

Someone told me I was a mean person, that I had an attitude problem..
Yes, indeed that is true.
But it hurts to be this way.
To try to go through life as though nothing ever happened to me.
As though I am Andrea still.
I am not her, and she is no longer me.
I don't know who I am.
And when I lose my marbles, I can't even figure out why I'm alive.

For once I want things to be normal.
I want to feel the sun on my face, and the wind through my hair.
Take me away from myself, save me from the demise I face..
Get me away from hell on earth.

Ocean Faults.

There's been a shift in the winds..
The current picked up..not a storm per say, but the earth is no longer calm today.
I look across the horizon and see darkness.
The moon is high in sky, but there is no light illuminating.
I look up with hopeful eyes, but to no avail.
With closed eyes I feel soft lips on my neck..
I can't say that this isn't everything I've wanted, but is this a dream..?
When I open my eyes, everything comes into focus, and slowly fades away.
Firm hands are lifting me away.
"Don't hurt", only a soft whisper in my ear.
I drift away.
Waters are crashing down on me.
I'm floating away.
The moon glowing strong now, but he's so far away.
He looks with worried eyes as I'm washed away.
It's up to me to go to him, isn't it, I think.
I can't move.
My legs are as stone, and my heart is pounding.
I sink below the surface.
Watching as the moon turns into a distorted orb.
I can't look away.
They say your life flashes before your eyes, but the only thing I saw was that blurry moon.
Liars...I think as I slip away.

Be the Bigger Person They Say.

So much harder to do than you may think..
I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to lose it or walk away..
But be the bigger person is what they all say.
Why sit there holding onto anger and pain, just talk it out, face it.
I can't tell you how hard it is for me..
I don't come from a place where it's okay to take it..but I don't want to deal.
But I must be the bigger person they say.
Friends are valuable, some will come and go..but bad blood is the worst.
So please help me be the bigger person today.

I'm Trying...

Being a better person doesn't come with age, it comes with realizing something.

After all the time that has passed..you still haven't figured it out, I said to myself..

I won't be good for you, I'll do it for me, is what I realized.

I'll stand strong and wear a proud face, because people come and go.

If I'm the best I can be because of someone that may leave 

then I won't have anything in me when they are gone.

I made that mistake once.,and the more I sit there and dwell on that problem the more stupid I feel.

It's believed that holding onto the past will have you forever stuck in it...

I can't express how often that has been the case.

I hold onto all the pain..21 years of pain. 

I feel pain from times I wasn't even alive, from times I was barely even a thought.

It all hurts.

The most "selfish" person is really the most caring..most compassionate..most loving.

I bottle the true me deep down inside because no one deserves it, hell I don't even deserve it.

I tell lies about my good qualities, because I don't want to let someone down with my bad ones..

These tales I tell about my life aren't real..they aren't the true me.

It's just how one person made me feel and think.

I can't always point a finger.

I can't always be confined this way, can I? 

Potential Life Changing Events.

He says he has the capability to change my life.
I scoff, in what world will this life be any different for me.
I look into his eyes, soft and bright.
He saw me when no one else could, taking in my demons one at a time.
I'm losing it inside I explain.
Intentional words fill the air to put us into play.
What's a kiss to you?
Smoldering, undeniable.
Lifting me up.
I see that I know very little about him.
Much more than what meets the eye, but in time I'll find out.
He says he has the capability to change my life...
Well maybe my life is not the only life that requires changing.
Maybe I'll rush in, a blind fool, and show him something more.
I lose him when it's time though.
He gets lost in the waves of passion and drowns and loves every second of it.
I snap him back to reality again and again...
Reeling him into the lighthearted play and witty banter again.
I see you're moving though, in a different place but not very far away.
Opportunity still shows its face...
One day we will meet again.
And that day will be one of great sweetness, and I'll enjoy every little drop of it until the very end.

D.

The lights dim.
A soft stroke to the face.
A passionate kiss.
Oh, I can't wait.
I jump on the opportunity, a new kinda lust.
Fills me to the brim.
There are other feelings I won't write about here..but the feelings come to surface once more.
I realize that desire isn't confined to one person.
I finally understand "those" that are out there...
We're all just looking for the same thing, that one thing that we know will make us whole.
Everyone wants to be taken care of, loved, worshiped even...
And that's okay,
Cause at the end of the day we're only human.
We have a few basic needs.
So when I fill to the brim, I have no regret.
I think of all the time I've ever wasted playing it safe or being a good girl.
My cheeks flush.
I can't take it anymore.
I find my way to heaven..and never look down again...I found exactly what I need again.

A New One.

He made me laugh when a smile would never show on my face.
Giving me a hope for life that I still can't understand.
He jokes and plays and makes me feel better.
I don't understand why life is like this, why it's filled with different loves.
I don't think that I am supposed to go through life loving so many different loves, making so many different mistakes.
People walk in and out of your life like the seasons.
Well according to him, people come into your life like the seasons.
They come, they go.
They leave you sick, or riddled with hope.
For the first time I'm coming into my own, I'm getting things I've been wanting for so long.
But at the same time I'm losing a lot...
I can't say life is perfect, it's much better than before, but not perfect.
I have my heart locked away for safety, but my soul seeks fun and unsafe play.
I'll live a little.
I may hurt a little, but at least it's my choice.
At least I'm doing the things I desire.
They may all talk a pretty talk, and be on my team, but Lord only knows what they really are to me.
I know that my heart and my mind are one, so to truly recognize things, I need both.
Guess I'm not ready yet, so until then I will have my fun, experience it all...
And soak up the thought of people hating my life choices...
Why is my life your greatest story???
Look into the mirror, smoke up your trees, and paint your face to deceive, but leave me out of it.
I know life has much more in store for me.

the weirdness.

So here we are, just a little less of me.
I washed away my tears and looked into the distance...
I was no longer present in the mirrors on the walls..
I no longer had love in my heart..
The emptiness deep within is trying to be filled, with what they ask?
What could possibly make me whole once more.. I fought a hard battle which nearly tore me apart..
I was nothing, laying one with the earth..a whisper in my ear damming me for all eternity...
The wind picked up, a storm came and went...but there was a warm light that appeared.
That undying light showing me that I meant something to someone, that I was special, and that I was worthy of real love...I was set free to one day fly high with happiness, and although hitting rock bottom hurt, I mean it hurt like hell..i was free, free to make my own decisions and live my own life, however I felt like.

Guilt.

I see the mirror.
The way I am fully on display.
No one in sight to make it right, not even my reflection.
I feel the eyes, the judgment passing over me.
It's okay. It was never the first time and it won't be the end.
I want to scream and shout.
I'm in shackles, I'm all cuffed up.
Take me away from this misery, for I can't find my peace.
No hope or belief.
It's all or nothing for me...It's all or nothing baby.
Sweep away the lost souls, and brush off the wounds of defeat.
Taking over me, my body lies to earth and sleeps...my body lies to earth and it sleeps.