Her Vices.

Which one of my vices shall I delight in tonight? 

How far away can I stray from the truth, the reality? 

It's all so surreal, all just a dream within a dream. 

The late night drives, the swerving, the crying. 

The lies, the memories that you drank away. 

Buried in poignant brown, and swirls of green. 

Threatening my very being. 

All for a guy, all for someone who was there. 

I thought you cared for me. 

So what will we do when the glasses are low, and the bottles are empty? 

When the green turns to black?

When my emotions are no more? 

Why Am I So Angry?

Disappointed again. 

You left me. 

Here in this same state. 

Feelings of being pathetic. 

I panic because it's all too much of the "truth". 

Because they all come to the same conclusion time and time again and it hurts. 

I'm sorry I'm not closer to perfection like you. 

Or that I can't express myself in a way you approve of. 

I'm tired. 

So tired of it all. 

Dealing with life and the people in it. 

Being happy for everyone but me. 

I have to return to selfish ways otherwise my soul will fade away. 

I won't apologize for my feelings. 

I can't do that again. 

So good luck dealing with the blue-grey version of who I am. 

Good luck becoming my friend again. 

Ever Since The Truth Became A Thing.

You know no one loves you.

But you get out of bed anyways. 

Put on that pretty dress and lipstick. 

You try for them.
And yet nothing in return.
The cycle.
The cliché.
The annoyance.
Ever frustrated.
Ever alone.
Your soul can hardly bear it anymore.
You beg for mercy, you pray to whatever God you don't cry for.
Paint such a pretty picture of all your pain.
Wearing it like fine gold.
And still no one is there to understand why your tears are crimson.
Why your heart is ice cold.
Or why your mind is borderline insane.
 

The Fall of An Empire: Falling Star

A falling star.
That's all you ever are to me.
Illusionist.
You aren't ever in reach to me.
Steal my heart and my voice and end it all.
Because you are a falling star, why can't you see...
The hold you have on me.
The demons you bring to light.
Straight to hell, all my dreams go.
I keep this song in my heart, with these tears in my eyes,
And I'm broken.
The soft sound of falling straight from the universe into a black abyss.
The intense smolder of emotion.
The suffocation of my words that would never stand a chance.
You are a falling star, why can't you see.
You were never met for me baby.
Illusionist, I'm going crazy.
Ever the delusionist.
I'll always be waiting on something I can never see.
That falling star,
That's what you are to me.

Whatever I Say.

My heart is a shell.
Filled with so much nothing that I don't even know where to begin.
I have an understanding of what I enjoy from you, but that's it.
I hurt, I don't really care about much, but I most definitely hurt.
Some things get to me.
Frankly others I could care less about.
I'm not really sure where I should be, or whom I am anymore.
I know that hard work eases my soul.
I know that love keeps me hopeful.
I understand that there are people in this world that are my everything.
And that there are also people in this world who should have been there.
I love. I lose. I love again.

Her Mentor, Her Love.

She said she was feeling things and wanting more. 

His silence is more than expected. 

She loves him and he doesn't even know. 

Always here going through the same woes. 

Her life has never felt more complicated than before now. 

Never had it been so full either. 

She looks for reasons to let go and let be. 

He gives her more than enough reason to stay. 

They do a crazy drunken dance until they're red in the face. 

A bubble, a run away from reality. 

It doesn't matter that she is years from being perfect. 

It's not so crucial that she even accept all his quirky ways. 

But she feels safe. 

She feels like she might not slip away and forgotten. 

But come winter there will be something colder than the atmosphere. 

The Fix.

It's all for me. 

I live freely. 

I come and go as I please 

I kiss and make up. 

I break hearts. 

I can't break up. 

I lose myself. 

I fall too deep. 

I get lonely. 

I get excited. 

I'm free. 

I'm free.

I'm free. 

I'm me. 

I take care. 

I call back. 

I try hard to understand. 

I want it all. 

I've had enough. 

You're not here with me even when you are. 

I'm not your 3AM call. 

I'm not even a thought. 

You're pleased, I'm not. 

It's over. 

It's not all my fault. 

I take. 

I give. 

I give up. 

I give up. 

I'm at fault. 

Letting myself get caught up in all this stuff. 

Believe in the unbelievable. 

I'm lost. 

I'm lost. 

I'm lost. 

This is the end of a beginning. 

But at the same time it's the beginning to an end. 

It's all the same. 

It's all the same. 

She falls. 

She crawls. 

She hits a wall. 

She's hurt again. 

She survives. 

Even though last time was the last time this is the last time. 

I'm here for you. 

I'll be near and dear to you. 

That cliche you wanted boo.  

I'm down for you. 

I'll let you go. 

Slip away from my soul. 

Seep out of my heart. 

Erased from my mind. 

Sleep. 

Sleep. 

Sleep. 

I'm growing old. 

The bottles stay empty. 

I win and I lose. 

All the time. 

Simulataneously. 

Striving for the forgotten. 

Looking for something delightful. 

That familiar kind of feeling is bestowed upon them. 

Less and less of more. 

It's trying. 

Lost without it. 

We have departed. 

Nail in the Coffin: When A Good Thing Goes Bad It's Because You Broke It.

And the cycle continues. 

Parts of myself are now him. 

And I hate it. 

I rip away at the memories only to find he's all that is left. 

It's all him. 

I take you out. 

Put you on white clouds where you never belonged. 

Guarded by my queen. 

It's like you were never there this time.  

I should never lose myself in another. 

That's what's best for my health. 

I'm sure you can only imagine what it must be like in my head. 

It's white noise and sad faces. 

I worked hard to build myself up only to be torn down. 

Harsh words are triggers for me that guarantee a break down. 

You can't understand my sensitivity. 

Years of abuse to blame. 

Kind words aren't often. 

Love isn't something that works for me either.  

Learning the truth with each and every day. 

Seeing that the dreams and expectations I once had need to be let go of...

Once and for all...

You are just another piece of my history baby. 

Post Class Tid Bit

At some point all you can do is think about it. 

Whatever it is your heart desires; it's constantly on your mind.

If only my passion and devotion for and to my life could be half of what it is for man. 

I have a sort of fixation of what I'm missing. 

A big section of my heart is on reserve. 

All the love I feel I'm missing, who is it missing from? 

Someone who was never there or someone I've never seen before? 

It's hard to tell what you need from what you want. 

I'm sure it all starts with self and goes on from there. 

Certainly. 

When A Playa Gets Got.

I walk around as a free woman.

Feeling the experiences until my heart is content. 

I share no regrets. 

I hold my head high, even if my mood may be low. 

I'm everywhere, like the air. 

Breezing through the lives and hearts of others. 

But then everything stopped for a single moment, and my whole world has changed. 

My heart is grounded. 

Slowly defrosting and wanting to be found, wanting to feel again.

My heart wants something good for itself and that's all that matters. 

Tortured souls graze in awe. 

Time slowly slips away. 

It is you that I want and that's all that matters. 

When Life Got a Little Too Good for Her and Her Vices.

It's gonna be bad. 

And my wine glass can't stay full enough and my pain doesn't cut deep enough. 

And it hurts just as much as all the pain I've ever experienced. 

And I know I'm giving up before I even try. 

But it's because I know that pretty smile.

You deal with demons by yourself. 

No way in hell you're trying to take on mine. 

I can't not give myself a hard time. 

I know my worth and I figured yours out too. 

I mean what you mean to me is much more than you can know. 

I pray that you don't up and leave me. 

But I'm helping you out the door as soon as you really see me.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry baby.