I am defeated.

It's been awhile since I was in the dark place.
Maybe a few weeks tops.
So much has changed since then and tonight I feel lost.
I was feeling indestructible today, all because of him.
But of course he doesn't have time for me and our schedules are opposite.
So here I am feeling defeated.
Defeated because I don't think I'll ever find another job.
I can't even get my wrist healed.
Defeated because I have no skills.
I have no motivation to teach myself.
Defeated because when I feel alone it really sucks.
Defeated because my relationship has me pushing my only guy friend away.
Defeated because old men keep crossing my mind.
I'm feeling defeated because I want to have babies.
I just don't want to be old doing it.
Defeated because maybe I won't succeed.
I'm defeated because all my happiness and motivation is dependent on another person.
I guess my addictions know no end.
I'm defeated because he said he loved me, and because he never said it and because he doesn't say it enough.
I'm defeated because money is the struggle.
I'm defeated because I miss my father.
I miss my grandma and my mother.
I'm defeated because I tell myself no so much.
And say yes at all the wrong times.
I'm defeated because all I can do right now is tell you this as these tears roll from my eyes.
I am defeated.

Why Lord?

I spend my time wondering if I'll ever be as rich as you.
If being so emotionally vulnerable will ever do a thing for me.
If you will love me even in hard times when I can't afford anything.
My motivation is down in the dumps these days.
But the sun keeps rising and it keeps on shining too.
I come from a land of struggle where we've all been touched by hard times and no one ever really makes it.
I don't know success.
I just know about how people get complacent.
In a world where we knew nothing and we still don't know a thing.
In my head I feel so happy, but deep in my heart I feel the failure.
I wish to know success one day.
I hope to grow into a better woman fit for something important.

Love You Forever.

I held my hand out.
Waiting for you to love me.
And you found your way into my heart and soul.
Your smile forever etched into my memory.

I feel a warmth I don't ever want to stray from.
I'm fighting my way from a darkness I've lived in too long. Oh I can taste the cherry cola on your lips.

Love has never shown so many sides.
Things keep growing and pushing, pulling.
All this time.
It flies by.
And I want to slow things down.
I want to live in this love forever.

Dreams of Living Life Like Rappers Do.

Just because I cried a little doesn't mean I'm broken.
Still the same girl you knew before then.
I get high off dreams of loving you until the end of time.
I can't believe I ever promised my heart to another guy.
The answer to my questions and all my dreams.
Maybe this is what the rest of forever really looks like for me.
Keep it all inside.
Let it all go.

Dripping.

I feel every ounce of hope leave my body.
I'm truly devastated.
I can't fight this feeling.
Years of hardwork never seemed so pointless.
I'm lost, there's no great journey here.
I just want to leave this earth with some dignity left.
Why is it only getting harder these days?

God I'm Good.

Washing away some stress and burdens.
My days never looked brighter.
As time piles up I'm truly learning about love and life.
Not everything that glitters is gold, but it sure is awfully pretty.
I have a kind feeling and respect for you even in my dreams.
It can be so dark out there.
But the sun is going to rise she says.
The day will begin again.

Something powerful brought us together.
The odds were in our favor.
That's just how it played out.
I couldn't say that all my past loves ended because it was always supposed to be you.
I traveled down a certain road and became the woman I am today.
However messed up I convinced myself I was I was changing.
I love the drama.
Life can be so difficult to stomach and so simply beautiful all in one day.
I love maneuvering these choppy waters.
Our love gives me strength and the ability to see deep, deep inside.
I'm so totally aware I'm finally soaking up positivity.
I have to forgive my yesterday's, cherish today in order to welcome the best tomorrow's.

Midnight Songs.

Maybe love is for the good.
Maybe my soul is too broken to go on.
My peak may have been at 18.
I never knew what I had.
I think of my past from time to time.
Wonder if I'll ever feel calm again.

I want to say that I love you.
I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Hopeless romantic but love never dies.
Just hoping time will be on my side and you'll realize something.

I am the truth.
I may be hard to see, but I'm pure energy.

Love keeps me on.
I want to give you everything and that's what I've decided.
I love you.
I need you.
You should be delighted.

If Only You Knew.

My heart beats for you, can't you see that now?
My love is my everything.
May be my greatest possession.
I'm all about loyalty and devotion.
You keep me safe and I'll always be by your side.

All those times I cried.
Fighting over nothing.
All the times I pleaded that you'd love me on my own wavelength.
Sometimes I feel crazy.
I can't let go.
I see everything I've witness and lived pass before my eyes like it's all happening again.

God I love you.
No one ever warned me that you'd be just as loyal.
I hope that one day you come into your own.
If only you knew how to love me.

The Push and Pull.

When disaster hits true colors from within come forth.

I heard your heart break.
And I never will doubt you again.

The fear brought us closer, the stress didn't tear us apart.

No matter the results we stand united.

I saw your heart for the first time.
I held you close and calmed your soul down.
The world stopped turning.
Things weren't about me anymore.
Because you finally needed me.

I love you.
And I always will.

Tea Cups and Coffee.

Looking to disappear.
I may do something crazy when you're not here.

Why must I pay for friendship?
I watch cats that aren't mine ignore me.
Hoping one day I can love another like I did him.

This summer was one for futile attempts at reconnections.
Too bad for you I'm basically married to a bachelor.
I also deactivated my Facebook.

Guess the more I'm alone the more I just wanna be forgotten.
But I hope you'll remember me.
Never felt this strongly about another.
I have mad respect and I can't even fake it.

Let's Go.

I want to fly away.
To soar as high as I can.
Just get far, far away and not look back. Are you okay with that?

I'll take your hand.
I promise to be yours as long as you'll have me.

Why do I want you so badly?
Guess it's most important that I belong to someone.
Maybe all the abandonment has taken it's toll.

I feel so desperate for promises and love and security.

Why am I always waiting and wanting more?

On Fire.

They never warned us.
How we'd cry til we couldn't see.
How the pain from the past would blind us.
Fear creeping up along your spine like a spider.

You cannot run my dear, you cannot hide.
It is time for you.

Testing me, just always testing me left and right.
I can do this.
I want more than the "promise" of love.
I'm in it for passion.
Forever and then some.

I'll take all those broken little smiles and trade them for a look from your direction.
It's gravitating.
You are.

I feel the weight of your body discover me for the first time.
Just two pieces of a puzzle.
I taste you and it leaves me wanting more than before.

So close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
And remember that love is the thing keeps you here.

Melt Away.

I could write about my pains of 5 years ago as though it were today.
Maybe love will always be tainted for me.
I hope he's patient with who I am.
And not counting on who I'm trying to be.
He doesn't want for anything.
He's a content person.
Maybe I shouldn't complain.
Not all relationships have to be complicated.
If I could control myself that'd be a tale for the books.
I love the idea of a happily ever after where I'm actually happy.

Truth Meets the Surface.

Looking to you as my everything.
I don't need anyone else when you're around.
I thought that was what we were doing.
I search for answers, but you're not giving.
Truly this can't be it.
I've held you close to my heart for months now.
You live there.
Making an impact on my very soul.
I want to thank you for making me feel whole again.
But as time passes by I look to you for all the love in the world and come up surprised.
There's still pieces of you that you're not willing to share.
I keep my head down, but my heart is falling apart.
I look to realize my feet aren't on the ground.
Please help me.
We walked this road together and one day I looked and you weren't with me.
My love, my dear please don't betray my heart.

She Knew.

I aim for emotional peaks and highs.
It's all I need from you.
Just stroke my hair and hold me close to you.
If you're afraid to lose me then don't.
I told once and twice I want you.
But don't insult my love with a weaker version.
Match me stride for stride and embrace growth.
We've been through highs and lows.
These valleys are becoming home.
I want to let everything go.
Maybe just accept the care and good sex for now.
But it's just enough until I feel another blow.
My heart is raw and my mind doesn't know where to go.
I'm starting to feel like I'm not yours anymore.

High places.

Static electric.
The city lights glow and you feel at home.
How ironic since it's the last place you'd want to go.
You say you're here and I feel alone.
Guess all my baggage is keeping us from reaching each other.
This tainted love is trying to grow but I can barely muster the energy these days.
I watch the earth move around me and I'm terrified.
I don't wanna get left behind.
Take my heart but please don't hurt my pride.
Watch me spiral but you can't catch me.
I can't walk away because I love you.
But this slight unhappiness is growing you see.
Just wanted you near me with love in your eyes and that sweet smile.
Give it a chance.
Let the time you need go by.
Maybe the more we're apart the more we'll grow.
Maybe everything I need will never cross your mind though.

Cruise ships and Merlot.

Clouds of love float through my head.
Yes I miss you.
I give you these words as they beat from my heart.

Such a great thing it can be when you're walking in the presence of love.
I hope it takes you higher than the stars.
I hope it's worth more than diamonds and rose gold.
Something you want to share with the world, but keep all to yourself.

Lose yourself just a bit more.
Trust her with your soul.
She came from a dark place to be here with you today.
Maybe it's easy to love you, but you don't always see the storm she's up against.

The only way to lose her is to herself you know.
But she chose you.
And it's that simple; her devotion.

I've never met anyone that seemed made for me.
Then there was you.
All the imperfections and things to dance through.
All the whimsical moments my heart desires I want them with you.
All the laughs and tears never felt so real.

Why does everything we do seem so meaningful?
It's all so beautiful.
I mean we can have it all.

Maybe her story had been painted by different artist and that's why it doesn't always make sense.
Yet she knew right from wrong.
She knew how to love and to be considerate.
She knew passion and desire.

But, teach her loyalty and devotion.
Teach her appreciation.
Teach her a love that keeps her safe at night.
Remember to always hold her when life is tough.
To always love her every day for the rest of your life if that's what feels right.
That's what her heart beats for.
It beats for.

That Feeling is Like.

It was cold and I needed warmth.
It was you that I wanted most.
Selfish me just wanting that smile in my life.
You had never met a woman like me.
An actual hurricane, but you weren't so afraid of rain.
She took you by the hand and made you feel her love.
And everything else fell away.

Lord knew this day would soon be here.
We can't always get it right, but sooner or later we get what we ask for.
Oh how I love you.
I just want to know you inside and out.

I watch as your love grows and your thoughts branch out.
How I wish to feel your soul.
In another lifetime maybe we were like the star and the skies.
Like strawberries and the fields.

You hold me in a warm embrace and I feel at home.
I hope you never feel pain.
I hope your story is on the right page.
I hope your happily ever after includes our love as the greatest.

He's Mine.

You stepped into my life with strength.
Making your presence known.
Creating a love that will only grow.
Now I start to imagine a family.
Dark curls and smiling faces calling you daddy.
The funny thing is young love goes uncertain for some time.
It sits on my heart pacing back and forth.
Back and forth.
A metamorphosis takes place.
I watch myself rise and grow, falling and dying here and there.
Thanks for believing.
Thanks for always being there.
I've never been so comfortable.
Yesterday's troubles are truly a thing of the past.
My worries with him aren't my worries with you is what I'm starting to learn.

Rewind.

I still think of you every time I drink.
I never got to mourn the us that never was.
I hear your voice.
All your opinions.
And your strength.
I was always protected.
I look around to see that I lost you.
No one is there.
I feel relieved.
You were never mine to begin with.
I always asked why couldn't we just be.
Never did I let anything discourage me from having those feelings.
Ever great story must end with clarity.
Or maybe it was all a dream.

The Truth Is.

Think hard.
Look back to a time you were truly happy. A time where you didn't question where your heart was.
When making love was just for the sake of creating something.
When all the sweet sounds came from your mouth.
Oh I can't forsake such a feeling you give me.
The truth is I love you.
I look into your eyes and see a strength.
I have simplicity with you if I want it.
I can see today, tomorrow, and a year from now.
I am rediscovering the meaning of monogamy.
Regaining pride in my ways of loyalty and endearment.
It's okay to love you.
And I know that now.

It's Here.

Nothing could have prepared me for this day.
Not all the wishing, hoping, dreaming, and free falling.
The day you said I love you too.
I wanted to cry, jump for joy even.
Everything melted into place.
I told you of the smoldering passion, the care and affection that seemed to pulsate from my body.
I haven't felt this much positive emotion in a long time.
It took months of falling for the emotionally unavailable.
Lots of whiskey and tequila affairs.
And a few tears here and there.
Now we made it.
And I love you so much.

Hanging On.

Take your time.
Let yourself simmer for a little.
Let all the love in.
The earth owes you that much.
Remember the dancing leaves and the quiet breeze.
That kiss that made you feel like a queen.

Hope you never lose yourself without me.

When the highs are followed by lows.

My best friend let's just be.
Kiss me softly.
Always look after me fondly.
Hold me tight by my waist and keep sweeping me off my feet.

Enter a time of great sadness.
A point where I realize maybe I don't deserve you.
Even with all the love I give it doesn't erase the memories of my past.
I keep hurting them and walking away so fast.

No one knows the fear in my heart.
All the questions I ask.
Singing this same sad song every time.
Cry to me, cry to me so softly.
No one will hear you but me.

Grudge Duty.

When your heart hurts.
Your soul feels lost.
You can't feel the ground because it left a long time ago.
The light of day barely meets your eyes.
Opportunity seems bleak.
What are you doing? 
How can you live with yourself?
Take your battered soul.
Take your smart mouth.
Let me go.

Breaking Up. Breaking Down.

She threw around her insecurities like birds throw themselves to the wind.
She was falling to pieces.
She didn't exactly know why, but yet she knew the very reason.
I'm sorry I don't trust myself to be consistent.
A firey woman whose happiness was killed before it could be found.
Something wrong in the soul, at the core of her foundation.
Take a look closer and you'll realize she loves you as only as much as she knows.
Blinded by rage and sadness.
She doesn't have a goal.
A list of demands and then she's out the door.
Waiting to dance the dance of fools all the while breaking your spirit.
We can't always get what we want.
We can't always love right.
And surely there's always room for a lesson because this is not the peak.

Taken.

Away she goes with all her emotion.
Finally there seems to be someone worth it.
It was all trial and error up until now.
Everything she learned and suffered from will help her now.
It makes sense that everything would lead up to now.
Couldn't be more excited or scared.
It's been awhile since life led her down a path of optimism.
She dances along with such pride and gratitude.
Let life go on and get better as love grows.

He's my religion.
I live by him, I'd die by him.
Giving me all the care I could never give.
Not used to being a first thought.
I think you'd like him. 
Someone that can challenge me as much as I challenge them.
Please let this summer be a short one.
I watch the leaves fall and the winter winds.
I can't let this feeling get away from me.
I have to find some way to make it last forever.
I wonder if you get that.
You look at me as if I was the first one, but something really tells me I'll be the last one.
Every other was just something to past time to.
No one can love me like I do you.
Making life worth it a little more each day.
Don't ever let me get away.

Good Afternoon.

I still smoke weed from my ex dude.
But I think you may be my best dude.
Let me walk and play my silly games.
Tell you things I'm still fighting demons over.
I hear the chimes dance as the wind blows.
Just take me away to a warm sunny place where I can escape.
Kiss me deeply and for too long right before it's time to go.
Tell me you might miss me just a little.
Keep me coming back to be your late night snack.
I love it.
I love it.
Life can be so simple with you.
I can see the meaning with you.
I can lock my legs around your waist and be apart of you.
Let it all fall down. 
Maybe this world would be a better place.
Take my very breath away.
Give my soul something to dance and play with.
It's so much, it's too much, it's just enough.
Keep me near and dear as long as I'm good to you.
Love me if you want to.
Not because I need it but deserve it.

Thirty After.

It comes in waves.
The connection.
The lust.
The love.
Terrified of the truth.
I see you.
When no one could.
I felt your pain.
Licking your wounds right along with you.
I've devoted my everything.
I gave you my soul.

The Repeat.

Life was dwindling down.
Her quest for happiness was over.
Now she just tried her best to get out of bed in the morning.
They don't know her life.
But even when they are enlightened they still can't figure her out.
She felt so scared and sorry all the time.
Rage and hate were becoming her new past times.
Why now?
This test she was given she clearly couldn't handle.
One step from walking away to just disappearing altogether.
New Mexico sounded nice.
If only you could just get away in a heartbeat.
If only you could be stronger and have faith.
If only you could feel something good again.