Remorse, Gratefulness, and the Reality.

I can't forgive and forget.
You gave me all the love I was missing and then took it away.
All that's left is a shell and you're to blame....
I wish I could blame the pain on someone other than my creator.
This shit cuts deep and it's not even done cutting.
You don't even know me..maybe my age and my name are a thing, but who am I?
Just another human being you see walking down the street.
She left me at a young age, making the things you're supposed to make.
Those choices you choose as a single parent.
I'm not saying you we're wrong, but you could have did a lot better.
I surround myself with laughs and giggles and love that I never felt.
These people are what take away the pain and piece me together again.
Any support I need or help with self reflection and they're there.
Not even a pro in the game yet they've taught me so much good.
And good is what matters in this world..it's what will make the difference in this world.
Sometimes in life you cross paths with people that aren't supposed to be there, from day one it was decided.
And so you let go so they can go to where they belong, and save the souls that were meant for saving by them.
Not everyone will need you... not everyone will even want you.
So why waste time?
Why cry over those that don't fit into your life?
You gotta stop riding in cars with boys.
You have to.

It Doesn't Go Away.

You can't save them all, neither can you let them all vanish.

 When it happens to you who will be there to pick you up right again.

You seek the truths of ancient time questions, well you aren't the first one.

It's said that love can conquer all, but can it fix these fears?

 Can I let you love me for more than a night?

Shit gets real when you're alone on the floor in a dark room.

 With only the eyes of God and demons looking upon me.

I disappoint you every time, and every time I think, "why is my life such a reflection of you"?

 I sit there and ponder the worth of my love to you, I wonder if I'm just wasting my time here.

Trivial things cross my mind, and that little light goes away.

You spent your whole life breaking down all that I built up.

I've been trying for years not to fall into an early grave, but you kept pushing me down deeper.

I doubt that in ten years I'll be bumming on the streets, or that I'll be amounting to nothing like you thought.

Even if I can't get my own the first time around I know someone else will have my back even if it isn't you.

I waste a lot of tears on you when it's obvious I'll always be hurting.

I sit there and realize this and wonder why I can still love you... you that brought me into this world and have almost taken me out a few times.

I learned to find comfort in the pain, I'm always ready to hurt, always ready to miss someone, always ready to die.

Cause that's when you're there for me, when it's time to hurt me again. 

I'm the living queen of darkness and I can't be found.

You see the scars on my being are just a light representation of the scars on my heart.

I'm so hurt and it can't be helped until I do something to help.

But how do you paddle upstream?

How do you defy gravity?

How do you work through the pain?

 

Blood and Pain.

Stay until l figure it out, until the pain goes away. Wash away the blood and forget that all of this ever happened. Take me back. Love me harder and don't ever lack passion. A kiss filled with a thousand words, our body's meet and fit perfectly. The heavens open up in glory. Rays of light come forth and it's judged to be good, it's almost perfect. You carry me away from a sea of discomfort. I recall the days when I was loved and drift back into darkness. I can't see a thing. I'm pure emotion. And a wrath of hell passes through. You forget my charm, my beauty, and sweetness. Now all you see is a damaged girl..and she'll soon be forgotten. 

As She Dances On Your Grave. (Ode to Endings)

A woman knows when she sees a ghost. Her whole being stills and her mood shifts. The Earth slightly tilts on its axis and drifts away from the moon. You can't put the ghost in her face and not get a reaction. You can't speak the name of the ghost otherwise it'll haunt her for all of eternity. I can't express to you the loss that was felt. Or the longing to be free and become one with all vices. To feel something yet feel nothing at all. Your face will become a distant memory...the trap will no longer be my home. I've learn a little something and it's that security is what I desire most. That love is a vague memory and fear I no longer know. 

The Cycle has Ended.

Sex it twice and then run, enough for a taste but nothing more. 

I look into your eyes and see a passionate for the art. 

Is that all it is?

Try not to catch feelings baby and shed no tears while I'm near.

If there's one thing you should know about me is I don't stick around for the tears.

I'll kiss you tenderly when you're down, and give you a high when you are low but never will I carry you away like the sea.

I can feel you near me when we're far apart, hear your voice in my dreams, and smell the smoke that you are throughout town. 

Fixated on the "what if's" and doubts. 

In circles I go, wondering about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. 

I toast to you, wishing an absence of pain and frustration. 

I care for you even when you think I'm dark and cold. 

I can't give you the world, but I can give you me. 

I try to get in your head to better understand, but I'm still left to think about it. 

You say one day I'll see. 

What is it you want me to see babe? 

That you aren't the asshole people make you out to be?

That your heart is bigger than Texas times three? 

Whatever it is I can already tell that you're different. 

I hope to learn for myself what it is that you want me to know...hope to one day be on similar pages baby. 

Half Way to Gold.

She lets you into her heart and home. 

You watch her moves, her heart beating for you. 

You try to get into her soul, but she cations you.

She says don't move and you still, you're frozen cold. 

She looks you in the eyes and explains all of her desires. 

Inside you feel nothing, you hear nothing. 

All you see are her narrow hips, her thick thighs, and supple breasts. 

Those sweet lips that left you wanting more so many times before.

You consume her face, and enjoy the rush. 

Finally everything you wanted. 

Finally she's letting go. 

You feel lost in her every move and touch. 

You feel at home. 

Your pulse strengthens, your heart quickens, you feel something that you can't quite explain. 

You cry out and wither away. 

She's right there for you when you find your sanity. 

You have to see for yourself if it's real. 

You just can't believe it. 

And she takes you and doesn't give you up. 

You've seen the heavens and stars and there's no turning back.

You fall to nothingness while her heart continues to love you...even though you won't let her...even though you're unaware that she can't help it. 

It's fate. 

Because I can.

I got one nigga that love and one who just want to fuck me but he neva thinkin of me//and I live where I work and I barely got money to quench my thirst//can't really tell you how many times I've sat around and questioned my worth//but I promise you at the end of the night you're gonna be regretting not putting me first//you think you know when you really know nothing and all you haters think you somethin//I pop my collar and just keep on stuntin//patron silver keeps me company//and always remember the love you had for me when you thought you had me baby. 

Trying.

Dreams of moving on and finding peace. I keep seeing you in my dreams. 

It's not bad because my internal self is working on healing. 

I am finally starting to feel healed in the sense that our chapter is over. 

Ever so changing is my heart, my mind, body and soul. 

You sell yourself short and people think little of you. 

Try to make the best of it, try to take each day like it's heaven sent, and make a memory. 

Only scorched in your mind for eternity. 

Like the dancing sunflowers or the big blue sea. 

We're here for each other always. 

A love that cannot be forgotten is the love of human kind. 

Passionate and deep. 

It circles for the far corners of the galaxies. 

You step aside and let me stride towards something great and unknown. 

I'm beginning to see what you see with great hindsight and integrity. 

You cannot fear what hasn't come dear, you cannot give up before you even try. 

I say to you that I haven't come this far to be nothing, and I won't stop until I've over come the obstacles which stand before me. 

We Don't Trust These Hoes.

She told you all the shit that left you high and dry and you listened..
Naturally you invited that bitch in for some tea and a little night cap.
She dazzled you with hips and lips from the south and you fell right in.
You lost yourself in rivers or seas you never thought existed.
Yet all along her heart belonged to someone else,
captivated by a higher power that wasn't Him himself.
Competing with a ghost for her love which was never promised from the get go.
These hoes mystify and criminalize every move made,
You never had a chance at her heart.
But you sit and you watch her do her dance, go through the motions over and over again.
How much more will it take til you're sanctified?
Until the heavens open up to shine a little light?
Or Hell heats the truth up so you can finally feel it?
Whatever it is you do you better watch yourself.
The man eater herself has no fucks to give about your feelings.
She's here for herself tonight.
To fill a hole in her soul that can't be brimmed.
So indulge in her passions and tend to her desires,
cause pleasing her will be the only pleasure you receive in the end.

Ode to Great Love, Great History.

How can I continue to keep falling in love?
Even though this heart of mine has gone through it it still survives.
Bring me forward to the light of things that are true and real.
If you prey on me I will make sure you fall.
Not the words of hate, but the hate of words will come out.
When no one was looking I cried until I no longer could.
Reach out to me and feel for my heart.
Just follow the cold and you'll find it.
Deserted once before, but I never forgot what it felt like to live.
The found memories of "I love you's" and adventures.
At times I feel guilty, because I know I took away the very breath in your lungs.
I don't like to say this aloud, but I live with hate towards myself and what I have done.
And if by any chance you ever read this know that I am so deeply sorry for what I did to you..know that no matter what you'll always be my first true love who made all my other loves pale to blue.
And though I am but a wanderer in this life I learned...
I learned that there is need and there is dependency.
There is closeness and there is suffocation.
There is trust and then there is nothing.
Even if what we had was destroyed it was something before it was nothing, and that will never be forgotten.
No matter how many puffs, sips, or lapdances take place those memories can never be washed away.
They meant something to me and I'm tired of acting on the contrary.
So I cannot lie to myself my entire life dear.
You were a crucial chapter to an extraordinary novel that's still being written.
And sometimes it hurts, and sometimes we fall, but all that ever matters is that we get back up and walk tall...

I love you forever and always..through distance, space, and time my heart will always find you.